


likes: exy

by djhedy



Series: what if we kissed... and we met on tinder [1]
Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Asexuality Spectrum, Comedy, Crack, Dumbasses, Happy Ending, Hidden Depths, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Idea, Online Dating, Pining, Romance, Sexuality Crisis, Texting, Tinder, apparently, i'm sorry but if i had to read it so do you, just a smidge, no really i found it in my fic folder with no recollection of writing it, p a n s e x u a l e x p e r i m e n t a t i o n, what is this, will this ruin my soft idyllic writing rep
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-19
Updated: 2020-02-09
Packaged: 2020-09-07 17:08:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 14
Words: 32,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20313037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/djhedy/pseuds/djhedy
Summary: Allison: ok look I have an ideaNeil: oh noAllison: you’re not going to love itNeil: I already said oh noAllison: we should sign you up to tinder!Neil: …how do you leave whatsapp





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Edited to add:  
tw: ace-blindness on the part of well-intentioned friends, but it all works out
> 
> ok look... i know i usually write the soft idyllic wordy fluffy stuff... but i found this in my fic folder. i *barely* remember writing it, i think late and drunk one night and must have forgotten? it is nonsense. i could write more?? but equally happy to chalk it up to fucking nonsense ok bye xxx

**Allison: **ok look I have an idea

**Neil: **oh no

**Allison: **you’re not going to love it

**Neil: **I already said oh no

**Allison: **we should sign you up to tinder!

**Neil: **…how do you leave whatsapp

**Allison: **LISTEN

**Neil: **no

**Allison: **it’s not my fault you got drunk and told me all your secrets but since that happened already let’s just try to move past it

**Allison: **you said you didn’t know whether you didn’t like girls or didn’t like anyone??

**Neil: **I regret meeting you

**Allison: **SO don’t you think it’s time for a little… _p a n s e x u a l e x p e r i m e n t a t i o n_

**Neil: **how long did it take you to type that

**Neil: **…Allison where did you go

**Neil: **ALLISON

**Allison: **ok so the good news is I’ve made you a profile

**Neil: **ffs

**Allison: **it’s your usual password darling now GO OFF INTO THE WILD I haven’t filled out the profile you’ll have to do that I wish you luck, happy sex-hunting

**Neil: **you can’t make me do this you know

\---

_**Name:** Neil_

_**Age: **21_

_**Occupation:** student_

_**Likes:** exy_

_**Goals:** staying alive_

_**Favourite music:** the rhythm of my shoes against the sidewalk_

\---

**Neil: **I hate u

**Allison: **you did it!!

**Neil: **did I do it right

**Allison: **… neil srsly

**Neil: **what?

**Allison: **“likes: exy”

**Neil: **it said to put what I liked

**Allison: **no offence hun this is the worst profile I’ve ever seen

**Neil: **go away

\---

_IT’S A MATCH!_

\---

**Neil: **oshit oshit

**Allison: **what??

**Neil: **I matched with someone

**Allison: **yes!

**Allison: **but also, no offence…how

**Neil: **shut up what do I do this is all your fault HE’S SENT ME A MESSAGE

**Allison: **what does it say??

\---

**Nixxxy: **Hey...cutie…

\---

**Neil: **wtf am I supposed to say

**Allison: **is he cute?

**Neil: **I have no idea!

**Allison: **then why did you swipe right

**Neil: **I swiped right on the first five guys I saw

**Allison: **…

**Allison: **…

**Allison: **for fuck’s sake

\---

**Nixxxy: **what you up to darlin?

**Neil: **nothing. Texting you back I guess

**Nixxxy: **hahahaha yeah I get ya

**Neil: **what do you get?

**Nixxxy: **so, just wondering…

**Neil: **what

**Nixxxy: **does the rug match the curtains? ;)

\---

**Neil: **Allison do I want to know what that means

**Allison: **honestly, knowing you, probably not

**Neil: **ok

\---

_IT’S A MATCH!_

\---

**Aaaron:** hi

**Neil: **hi

**Aaaron:** is that the best you can do

**Neil: **you said it first!

\---

**Neil: **second guy was a bust

**Allison: **why what happened

**Neil: **he was an asshole

**Allison: **some people like that?

**Neil: **you’re an asshole

**Allison: **exactly!

\---

_IT’S A MATCH!_

\---

**KevinD: **hello nice to meet you. Who’s your exy team?

**Neil: **hi. New York Strikers, how about you?

\---

**Neil: **uh, I think I’ve just been dumped for poor taste in exy

**Allison: **by who?

**Neil: **by a fucking snob

**Allison: **we’ve talked about this, if you’re going to support a bottom ranking team you’re going to have people assuming you’re a terrible person

**Neil: **shut up

\---

_IT’S A MATCH!_

\---

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **…hello

**Andrew: **what do you want

**Neil: **this is a weird conversation

**Neil: **we matched?

**Andrew: **that doesn’t answer my question

**Neil: **ok, uh… I guess I just wanted to see what this was all about

**Neil: **you know, this app and stuff

**Neil: **what do you want?

**Andrew: **wealth consists not in having great possessions, but in having few wants

**Neil: **…did you just google that

**Neil: **that doesn’t really answer the question

**Andrew: **I want nothing

\---

**Neil: **Allison this guy’s creepy

**Allison: **ok, creepy how?

**Neil: **i…have no idea let me get back to you

\---

**Neil: **r u…ok?

**Andrew: **do they teach you to spell whole words at college

**Neil: **ok asshole

**Andrew: **:)

**Neil: **…y r u smiling

**Andrew: **I’m not. I never smile. That was a text smile.

**Neil: **ok dude you’re a bit weird no offence

**Andrew: **what’s your major?

**Neil: **math

**Andrew: **good lord. Why?

**Neil: **hey I don’t question your values.

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **what about you?

**Andrew: **criminology

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **if I ask why will you just tell me not to question your values

**Andrew: **almost certainly

\---

**Neil: **ok

**Allison: **ok what? Creepy guy still being creepy?

**Neil: **yes

**Allison: **…and

**Neil: **…let me get back to you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ -hedy x


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was a good excuse to stop packing (don't recommend moving house ever avoid avoid alert) and im too tired to write my trc trauma!fic right now so thanks for the excuse to make no sense for a bit xxx

**Neil: **you still there?

**Andrew:** it depends what you want

**Neil:** dunno, just wondered if you were still there, bit bored

**Andrew:** well golly neil im flattered

**Neil:** how often are you on this thing anyway?

**Andrew:** my cousin installed it on my and my brother’s phones, hes trying to win worlds biggest waste of time award

**Neil:** why is it a waste of time?

**Andrew:** why are you bored

**Neil:** watching a movie with my friends

**Andrew:** I

**Andrew:** I don’t even know where to start

**Neil:** I don’t really like movies

**Andrew:** ok

**Andrew:** or friends?

**Neil:** well one of them is my friend, Allison’s my roommate, her girlfriend and best friend are both over

**Andrew:** what’s the movie called

**Neil:** dunno, there’s a singing crab?

**Andrew:** that could be a number of movies

**Neil:** wait a sec

\---

**Neil:** allison what’s this even called

**Allison:** why are you texting me im three feet away

**Neil:** I don’t know what the rules are no one’s said anything in a really long time

**Allison:** because we’re watching a movie!

**Allison:** moana

**Allison:** why are you so deficient

\---

**Neil:** moana

**Andrew:** what bit are you on

**Neil:** ok the singing crab has gone and now there’s… oh god there’s another song

**Andrew:** maybe pay attention to something other than yourself, you might learn something

**Neil:** cant I pay attention to you instead

**Andrew:** no

**Andrew:** and by the way she learns who she is by staring into the ocean and having a conversation with her dead grandmother that’s pretty cool asshole

**Neil:** you’ve seen this movie??

**Andrew:** nope

**Neil:** wait rly?

**Neil:** …andrew??

\---

**Allison:** who are you texting

**Neil:** im not

**Allison:** fine what essay are you writing on your phone and can i see pictures

**Neil:** im just on tinder this was your idea

**Allison:** ooh anything encouraging?

**Neil:** nope

**Allison:** o rly?

**Allison:** …neil??

**Allison:** hellooooo

\---

**Neil:** what’s your favourite movie?

**Andrew:** you decided to try to be interesting then

**Neil:** do tell me how I’ve nearly succeeded

**Andrew:** i don’t have a favourite movie because im not a child

**Andrew:** but if I played your stupid game it might be the perks of being a wallflower or benjamin

**Neil:** great, has anyone ever told you you’re super easy to talk to

**Andrew:** like you you mean

**Andrew:** “I hate friends and movies and also sunshine and happiness”

**Neil:** hey I like some things

**Andrew:** that’s a lie, you like one thing, unless your bio is a lie

**Neil:** oh well

**Andrew:** I hate liars

**Neil:** have you always been this goth

**Andrew:** excuse you

**Andrew:** and yes

**Andrew:** people have killed to be this goth

**Neil:** who did you kill to be that goth? Haha

**Neil:** …andrew?

\---

**Allison:** hey bud do we need any gro cer iiiiieeesss

**Neil:** milk please

**Allison:** kk hun il be back at 6 hows it going

\---

_IT’S A MATCH!_

\---

**MattyBoi**: hey man! I like your profile pic nice smile 😊 😊 😊 how’s it going?

\---

**Neil:** honestly matching with objectively attractive guys is kinda exhausting

**Allison:** why are we friends

**Neil:** strong bisexual energy?

**Allison:** speak for myself, you’re more like a sleepy hedgehog bisexual

**Allison:** we don’t even know if you’re bi

**Allison:** so you’re really just a sleepy hedgehog

**Neil:** what

\---

**Neil:** hey, yeah it’s going alright how about you?

**MattyBoi**: yeh great can’t complain! Life is good. You like exy huh? I’m a big fan! What’s your team?

**Neil:** New York Strikers

**MattyBoi**: hey cool man! Good for you

**Neil:** oh, do you like them too?

**MattyBoi**: oh uh well, no, they suck no offence

**MattyBoi**: but I’m really happy for you

**MattyBoi**: my team is Chicago Wild Hats

**Neil:** yeh ok, their goalie is pretty decent

**MattyBoi**: DECENT how dare you Sinead DECENT Flanagan is not her name

**Neil:** ha, what’s her name then, Sinead SAVED ONE GOAL AGAINST BOSTON Flanagan

**MattyBoi**: I think you’ll find it’s Sinead WOULD SAVE YOU TIL YOU CRIED Flanagan

**Neil:** must take a while to put on forms

**MattyBoi**: I hear ya

\---

**Neil:** hmm met a guy who might be alright :)

**Allison:** WHAT

**Allison:** WAIT

**Allison:** don’t you dare have a gay epiphany til I get home

**Neil:** im not having a gay epiphany calm down

**Neil:** what’s a gay epiphany

**Allison:** if you don’t know maybe you’re not having one, wait home in 20 x

\---

**Neil:** andrew can I ask you something

**Andrew:** I don’t know

**Andrew:** will it require me to take a tylenol

**Neil:** what’s a gay epiphany

**Andrew:** I

**Andrew:** I have honestly never been this frequently stunned into silence

**Neil:** is that a compliment?

**Andrew:** are you not gay?

**Neil:** to be honest I don’t know, I’m kinda here because my friend made me sign up

**Andrew:** your one friend, who you don’t even like

**Neil:** I didn’t say that

**Andrew:** your one friend whose company you tolerate even though she makes you watch movies and signs you up for gay dating, you, a straight

**Neil:** I’m not straight

**Andrew:** prove it

**Neil:** what are you 12

**Andrew:** send me a photo of a man you find attractive

**Neil:** that’s never really how it’s worked for me

**Andrew:** really

**Andrew:** maybe you’re not gay or straight

**Neil:** really?

**Andrew:** I’m not your fairy gaymother fucking google it

\---

**MattyBoi**: do you want to meet up for a coffee New York?

\---

**Neil:** someone asked me on a date

**Neil:** what do I say

**Allison:** do you want me crashing

**Neil:** stop texting and driving pull over!

**Neil:** allison??

**Allison:** ok ive pulled over what did he say

**Neil:** he suggested coffee

**Allison:** is this andrew?

**Neil:** what? No

**Allison:** are you still chatting to him?

**Neil:** a bit

**Allison:** ok who’s this guy then

**Neil:** think his name is Matty

**Allison:** well coffee is perfect because if he’s dull or ugly you’re in and out in 20 minutes tops

**Neil:** jesus what if im dull or ugly

**Allison:** hey you’ve never cared about that before

**Neil:** HEY

\---

**MattyBoi**: do you want to meet up for a coffee New York?

**Neil:** sure Chicago :)

**MattyBoi**: SWEET

\---

**Neil:** ok I said yes and now I want to die

**Allison:** it’ll be fine! Now shut up and let me drive home so we can panic as a team

**Allison: **pick a movie for once in your sad hedgehog life will you

**Neil: **ok, I’ve actually got a couple I wanna watch

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so that happened  
good news: MATT GETS ADDED TO TAGS WOOP  
medium news: neil is a sleepy hedgehog something-sexual  
not news at all: andrew is a raging goth  
love ya xxx


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha sorry. where did i go. good question. i spent three months writing sad anxiety fics. YOU'RE WELCOME. have some crack to make up for it x x x

**Neil: **I watched benjamin

**Andrew: **why are you telling me

**Neil: **I think I liked it

**Andrew: **I’m happy for you

**Neil: **it was a bit sad though

**Andrew: **what’s your point

**Neil: **I dunno aren’t movies supposed to be fun?

**Andrew: **like this conversation you mean

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **it’s not even a sad movie, are you broken

**Neil: **I don’t know, it seemed like the guy found it really hard to talk to the other guy

**Andrew: **sometimes talking to people is hard

**Neil: **well, yeah, that’s why I found it sad

**Andrew: **do you find talking to people hard

**Neil: **yeah sometimes. I guess that’s partly why my friend signed me up to this

**Andrew: **I thought it was to figure out if you were gay

**Neil: **she said that was why, but she’s never cared before

**Andrew: **have you never been interested in anyone

**Neil: **nope. And I don’t really care, but I guess maybe she thinks I’m lonely or something

**Andrew: **are you

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **ok nevermind

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **are you?

\---

**Neil: **why aren’t you here I need you to DRESS ME

**Allison: **FINALLY

**Allison: **I KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME

**Allison: **wait switching chats

**Neil: **oh no please don’t

\---

**Allison: **LADIES, WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY

**Dan: **sweet I fucking love an emergency

**Renee: **how can I help??

**Neil: **I regret my actions

**Renee: **:)

**Dan: **oh a Neil emergency my favourite

**Allison: **neil can I tell them neil honey can I can i

**Neil: **no. I have a date. Don’t make a big deal out of it

**Dan: **OH MY GOD

**Renee: **oh neil I’m so excited for you!

**Allison: **damnit neil! My one moment of thoughtfulness and it backfired. This will teach me to be so considerate in the future

**Neil: **literally all I wanted was help picking a shirt

**Neil: **or a t-shirt

**Neil: **or… what else do people wear

**Dan: **I’m literally coming over

**Renee: **I can come later this evening! When’s your date?

**Allison: **yay! Fashion party!

**Neil: **it’s not until tomorrow, we’re just having coffee in the afternoon

**Renee: **ok, you can go pretty casual for a coffee, I wouldn’t worry

**Allison: **casually FABULOUS

**Dan: **I’M ON MY FUCKING WAY

**Neil: **great

**Renee: **do you mind if I ask, what species of creature has taken your fancy

**Allison: **A HUNK OF MAN

**Dan: **TEXTING AND WALKING IS STRESSFUL

**Neil: **I mean he’s a guy yeah

**Renee: **I’m so happy for you!

**Allison: **called it

**Neil: **you did not

**Allison: **I fucking did

**Renee: **start without me but send photos! Babe, a nice sweater maybe?

**Allison: **yes probably a good call

**Neil: **ok I don’t really need you all to fuss if the answer is “a nice sweater”

**Allison: **a good call AFTER WE’VE TRIED ON YOUR ENTIRE WARDROBE

**Renee: **“entire wardrobe” is a bit of a stretch

**Neil: **Renee

**Renee: **Neil

**Renee: **:)

**Neil: **fuck’s sake

**Dan: **I’M OUTSIDE

\---

**MattyBoi**: we still on for tomorrow??

**Neil: **yeah :)

**MattyBoi: **great! I’m really looking forward to meeting you

**Neil: **how will I know who you are, in the coffee shop

**MattyBoi: **you’ve seen my photo? Or do you mean do I look like my photo haha

**Neil: **oh, yeh, of course

**MattyBoi: **I promise it’s not a stock image! Haha!

**Neil: **right. No, mine isn’t either.

**MattyBoi: **you’re not much of a chatter, huh?

**Neil: **oh, sorry

**MattyBoi: **no don’t be! I get it, sometimes it’s easier to talk in person right?

**Neil: **right

**MattyBoi: **ok well I’ll see you at 3pm tomorrow? 😊😊

**Neil: **looking forward to it

**MattyBoi: **😉

**Neil: **:)

\---

**Andrew: **tell me a joke

**Neil: **why am I going on a date

**Andrew: **I don’t know, why are you going on a date

**Neil: **no, I’m asking you

**Andrew: **I thought it was a joke

**Neil: **why would you think that

**Andrew: **I asked you for a fucking joke

**Neil: **oh yeah, I didn’t see

**Andrew: **jesus, is this why you find it hard to talk to people, because you're unintelligent

**Neil: **maybe

**Andrew: **self-deprecation isn’t attractive

**Neil: **I wasn’t trying to be attractive

**Andrew: **clearly

**Andrew: **though my answer remains the same

**Andrew: **why are you going on a date

**Neil: **I have no fucking idea honestly

**Andrew: **don’t go then

**Neil: **helpful

**Andrew: **you’re welcome

**Andrew: **someone on here?

**Neil: **yeah

**Andrew: **guy?

**Neil: **yeah

**Andrew: **exy?

**Neil: **stop being so incisive

**Andrew: **it’s not my fault you have as many layers as a rug

**Neil: **???

**Andrew: **who’s this exy guy then

**Neil: **I don’t know much about him, he lives nearby, he likes chicago wild hats

**Andrew: **pathetic. their goalkeeper can’t save more than four goals in a row before she gets tired

**Neil: **…

**Andrew: **oh

**Neil: **andrew

**Andrew: **isn’t it funny, my wacky cousin stole my phone

**Neil: **no he didn’t

**Andrew: **and typed out a message, for a lark

**Neil: **no he didn’t!

**Andrew: **he’s always pulling shenanigans like that

**Neil: **ANDREW

**Andrew: **such a shenanigan puller, I’ll have to show him what for

**Neil: **you like exy??

**Neil: **…andrew?????

\---

**Neil: **ok if I promise to never mention it again will you come back

**Andrew: **I don’t trust “if”s

**Neil: **look I just want your advice

**Andrew: **that’s not a promise

**Neil: **I was hoping you wouldn’t notice that

**Neil: **will you help?

**Andrew:** do you even realise what you’re doing

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **never mind. I don’t think I can give you advice on your date

**Neil: **but should I go?

**Andrew: **you clearly don’t want to, so why would you

**Neil: **I don’t know. Allison’s my best friend, I want to trust her. If she thinks this could be good for me maybe it could be

**Andrew: **you don’t trust your best friend

**Neil: **I just said I did?

**Andrew: **no you didn’t

**Neil: **oh well that’s what I meant

**Andrew: **sure

**Andrew: **go on the date then

**Neil: **yeah?

**Andrew: **what’s the worst that could happen

**Neil: **well lots

**Andrew: **give me your worst

**Neil: **he could find me boring

**Andrew: **I think it’s more likely he’ll find you infuriating

**Neil: **is that better

**Andrew: **after some thought, you’re right, it isn’t

**Andrew: **that’s really your worst case scenario?

**Neil: **why?

**Andrew: **_he_ could be boring. You could be the one bored. He could be an axe murderer

**Neil: **eh

**Andrew: **did you just ‘eh’ an axe murderer

**Neil: **I’ve had worse

**Andrew: **what

\---

**Allison: **ok text me when you get there

**Neil: **I’m round the corner

**Allison: **ok! what’s our signal

**Neil: **do we really need a signal

**Allison: **NEIL

**Neil: **fine. I call you and ask how my sister’s doing

**Allison: **great. Fingers crossed today isn’t the day she’s dying!

**Neil: **yeh

**Allison: **don’t be nervous, that navy blue sweater really brings out your icy blue eyes my little cornflower

**Neil: **stop naming blues

\---

**MattyBoi: **I’m inside! See you soon!

\---

**Dan: **YOU’RE GONNA SMASH IT. Remember to BRING IT. You are a beast and he’d be lucky to sex you, don’t settle for less than a 9, *mwah*

\---

**Renee: **good luck neil! :) I’m sure you’ll have fun!

\---

**Neil: **gotta go, I’m at the coffee shop

**Allison: **GOOD LUCK BABY DOLL

**\---**

**Andrew: **neil?


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i cant be stopped  
just try  
(wait dont this is way too fun)  
xxx

**Neil: **um

**Allison: **what??

**Allison: **how’s it going

**Allison: **why are you texting me

**Allison: **where’s the Hunk

**Allison: **…NEIL WHAT

**Neil: **I have literally no idea what im doing

**Allison: **whats happening

**Neil: **he’s gone to get cake

**Allison: **aww

**Neil: **I don’t like cake

**Allison: **the things we do for booty

**Neil: **I am not doing this for booty

**Allison: **he doesn’t have a nice booty?

**Neil: **I resent you

\---

**Andrew: **fine I will tell you a joke, since you asked

**Andrew: **your tinder profile.

**Andrew: **see I can be funny

\---

**Allison: **team I think we might need an emergency meeting tonight

**Dan: **great

**Renee: **you are always so excited about emergencies, danielle

**Dan: **life is mundane

**Dan: **also don’t call me danielle

**Allison: **LADIES

**Dan: **sorry, go on

**Dan: **what’s the hip hap

**Allison: **neil is texting me from his date

**Renee: **oh dear, is it not going well?

**Allison: **from what I can gather he is interested in neither cake nor booty

**Renee: **there’s a joke here

**Dan: **oh man

**Dan: **this is your fault, al

**Allison: **shush

**Allison: **nothing is faulted yet, this might simply be a bad beginning

**Dan: **maybe he’s not gay?

**Allison: **look, maybe he’s gay and not attracted to Hunks of Man

**Dan: **…what else is there

**Renee: **the early booty catches the cake

**Allison: **is that your joke

**Dan: **what do you see in her

**Allison: **she has a nice ass

**Renee: **it is true

\---

**Neil: **omw

**Allison: **ok how did it go though??

**Neil: **tell you later

**Neil: **just want a quiet night ok no drama

**Allison: **suure

**Allison: **unless…

**Neil: **ffs

**Allison: **I just invited them round so we could analyse your date from every angle and work out whether you are incompatible with Hunk or with Men or with Humans

**Neil: **great

\---

**Neil: **sorry, was busy

**Neil: **I do not accept the premise of your joke

**Andrew: **and what premise is that

**Neil: **that you are funny

**Andrew: **you wound me

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **you went on your date then

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **you gonna ask how it went

**Andrew: **why would I do that

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Neil: **seriously, I’m just gonna get take out and crash on the sofa

**Allison: **that’s ok we’ll crash NEXT to you

**Allison: **get enough for four

**Allison: **and get my girl some egg rolls

**Neil: **you know I can’t deny Renee anything

**Allison: **she says thanks

**Neil: **they’re there now??

**Allison: **we needed to mentally prepare for NeilGate

**Neil: **does my humiliation really need a name

**Allison: **it’s not humiliation! Seriously, do you really honestly not want our advice picking apart your personality and flaws?

**Neil: **well you make it sound so fun

\---

**Renee: ***is excited about egg rolls* 😊 thanks neil, but seriously just tell us if she’s making you uncomfortable

**Neil: **thanks renee, I will

**Neil: **I know she means well

**Renee: **but she can be kind of intense

**Renee: **she just wants you to be happy, you know?

**Neil: **I know

\---

**Neil: **tell me another joke

**Andrew: **I gave you comedy gold already and you didn’t even thank me for it

**Neil: **my profile isn’t a joke

**Andrew: **are you sure? Have you read it?

**Andrew: **let me read some to you

**Andrew: **imagine im clearing my throat

**Andrew: ***clears throat*

**Andrew: **“goals: staying alive”

**Andrew: **oh wait that didn’t take as long as I thought it would

**Neil: **I feel like you’re just being mean now

**Andrew: **hey

**Andrew: **it’s true

**Neil: **I didn’t know what to put

**Andrew: **how about… your ambitions

**Neil: **what are yours?

**Andrew: **why do you want to know

**Neil: **well you know I can’t resist these easy, sparkling conversations of ours

**Andrew: **now who’s being mean

**Andrew: **:(

**Neil: **don’t think you can fool with me a text face, that’s not a real life face

**Andrew: **aww

**Andrew: **he’s learning

**Neil: **stop deflecting

**Andrew: **sorry what are we deflecting I’m deflecting so well I can’t even remember

**Neil: **gotta go, home

**Andrew: **what a shame

\---

**Neil: **um, can I ask you a favour

**Renee: **sure what?? you ok?

**Neil: **um can you get her to stop calling me gay

**Renee: **yes, of course. is it making you uncomfortable?

**Neil: **I just, I thought the point of this was to help me work stuff out, and I feel like she just *wants* me to be gay

**Renee: **honey she wants everyone to be gay

**Neil: **…allison’s bisexual

**Renee: **I know, why do you think she has so many issues

**Renee: **I’ll talk to her

\---

**Renee: **bathroom

**Allison: **booty?

**Renee: **boy talk

**Allison: **intriguing

\---

**Renee: **she’ll back off

**Neil: **thanks

**Renee: **hand me the last egg roll and we’ll call it even

\---

**Neil: **I’m exhausted

**Andrew: **do tell

**Neil: **my friends can be a little overbearing

**Andrew: **oh no

**Andrew: **they didn’t make you watch another movie did they

**Neil: **it was apparently necessary to spend the entire evening working out what went wrong with my date

**Andrew: **ah

**Neil: **yeh

\---

**Neil: **you’re quiet

**Andrew: **you know I don’t just exist on your phone screen right

**Neil: **oh, sorry

**Andrew: **shut up

**Andrew: **my cousin and brother are over

**Neil: **do you get on well with them?

**Andrew: **no

**Andrew: **they’re my closest family

**Neil: **?

**Andrew: **everyone else is dead

**Neil: **…

**Andrew: **:)

**Neil: **right

**Neil: **sure I’d be closest to my two remaining alive family members if that’s what I had

**Andrew: **what do you have

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **you know

**Andrew: **I literally don’t

**Andrew: **welcome to the conversation

**Neil: **I’m not close to them

**Andrew: **republicans?

**Neil: **british

**Andrew: **god, are you british?

**Neil: **no?

**Andrew: **hmm

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **say ‘bottle’

**Neil: **we’re texting?

**Andrew: **say it

**Neil: **… bottle

**Andrew: **did you actually just say that out loud

**Neil: **my roommate has gone to bed

**Andrew: **so you’re just talking aloud to yourself then

**Andrew: **that’s better

**Neil: **did I pass

**Andrew: **I dunno, did it sound britishy

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **I only lived in europe for a few years

**Andrew: **huh

**Neil: **I’m going to sleep

**Neil: **night andrew

**Andrew: **sure

\---

**Neil: **u awake

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **I think I should text him but I don’t know what to say

**Andrew: **why don’t you ask your friends

**Neil: **I’m asking you

**Andrew: **why

**Neil: **idk

**Andrew: **an entire evening spent dissecting your problems and they didn’t even teach you how to dump someone

**Neil: **oh god is it dumping?

**Andrew: **no, calm down

**Andrew: **just tell him you didn’t appreciate him making fun of the fact you’re british

**Neil: **he didn’t do that

**Neil: **I’m american

**Andrew: **I’ll believe it when you can pronounce bottle correctly

**Neil: **it’s not even pronounced that differently

**Andrew: **only a brit would know that

**Neil: **let it go

**Andrew: **no

**Andrew: **how do you expect me to advise you how to let someone down when you haven’t told me anything about the date

**Neil: **you never asked

**Andrew: **I will happily put my face back on my pillow, just say the word

**Neil: **you’re in bed?

**Andrew: **it’s 3 in the fucking morning

**Neil: **why are you awake?

**Andrew: **you ask a lot of questions

**Neil: **I really don’t, you’re just incredibly evasive

**Andrew: **I’m waiting

**Neil: **fine

**Neil: **it was

**Neil: **it was fine

**Andrew: **…

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Neil: **I have no idea what I’m doing

**Andrew: **clearly

**Neil: **I’ve never been interested in anyone in the way allison’s always going on about

**Andrew: **you didn’t want to fuck him?

**Neil: **jesus

**Andrew: **or have him fuck you?

**Neil: **no

**Andrew: **does that make you uncomfortable?

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Neil: **I just don’t really care

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **tell him you just want to be friends

**Neil: **am I allowed to do that?

**Andrew: **depends

**Neil: **on

**Andrew: **did he talk to you about exy

**Neil: **yes

**Andrew: **then he’s passed all your criteria for friendship

**Neil: **mean

**Andrew: **what else is in your criteria

**Neil: **uh

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **allison

**Andrew: **… allison is your criteria?

**Neil: **I wasn’t done

**Andrew: **…

**Neil: **well idk, what’s in yours?

**Andrew: **I don’t have friends

**Neil: **…

**Andrew: **I got family

**Neil: **…was that a joke

**Andrew: **it’s a quote from the best movie ever made

**Neil: **I don’t remember it from benjamin. Perks of being a wallflower?

**Andrew: **someone’s got a good memory

**Neil: **it’s queued on my to watch list

**Andrew: **great

**Andrew: **have you read the synopsis

**Neil: **no why

**Andrew: **idk

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **get allison to tell you what it’s about beforehand, so you can decide whether to watch it

**Neil: **um, ok sure

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **… so what’s the greatest movie ever made

**Andrew: **the fast and the furious

**Neil: **ok but

**Neil: **we’re having like three conversations and I keep losing track

**Andrew: **excellent

**Neil: **what’s your friendship criteria

**Andrew: **they don’t make me want to punch them in the face

**Neil: **?

**Andrew: **most humans make me want to punch them in the face

**Andrew: **did date man?

**Neil: **no

**Andrew: **then tell him that, he’ll be thrilled

**Neil: **you’re really helpful

\---

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **you’re probably asleep

**Andrew: **tell him you enjoyed meeting him but didn’t feel a spark, and hopes he isn’t disappointed but you really enjoyed talking stick ball and want to stay friends

**Andrew: **try not to have a heart attack over it, these things happen

**Andrew: **now fuck off I’ve got a test tomorrow

\---

**Neil: **thanks

\---

**Neil: **hey matt. I enjoyed meeting you yesterday but didn’t feel a spark, I hope you’re not disappointed but I really enjoyed talking about exy. Do you want to be friends?

**MattyBoi: **neil! It’s nice to hear from you.

**MattyBoi: **yeah, it doesn’t seem like you’ve done this much before?

**Neil: **what do you mean

**MattyBoi: **no offence but that message sounds like you asked someone what to say to me and repeated it word for word

**Neil: **no it doesn’t

**MattyBoi: **😊 no hard feelings man, I felt the same. That happens! Don’t feel bad about it

**Neil: **yeah?

**MattyBoi: **of course! I don’t, I just made a great new friend!

**Neil: **well. Thanks.

**MattyBoi: **do you want to watch exy together sometime?

**Neil: **oh, yeah! That’d be great actually. My roommate doesn’t understand the rules so it’s less fun with her

**MattyBoi: **allison, did you say? She sounded hilarious. Maybe I could come round some time?

**Neil: **sure

**Neil: **:)

**MattyBoi: **😊😊😉😉

\---

**Neil: **tell me a joke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im glad you're enjoying this nonsense as much as i am *hugs* *for* *everyone* xxx


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (was this writing procrastination from watching uk election results? yes. do i want to talk about it? no. have some jokes and feels instead.)

**Allison: **you know maybe we started this experiment off the wrong way round

**Neil: **what do you mean

**Allison: **well, it’s more likely you’re straight than gay, most people are

**Allison: **maybe we should find a lady-person to date you, balance the scale

**Allison: **yeh?

\---

**Neil: **what you up to

**Andrew: **you can’t just ask someone that

**Neil: **no?

**Neil: **I just did though

**Andrew: **studying

**Neil: **really?

**Andrew: **I thought you were a college student

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **you’re like

**Neil: **eager though

**Andrew: **eager to be literally anywhere other than this conversation

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Neil: **u wanna come over Friday?

**Matt: **yes!!! Falcons v Tornadoes!

**Neil: **:)

**Neil: **birds battling it out

**Matt: **yes! Well. Birds, and forces of nature

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **can’t wait! Will your housemate be there?

**Neil: **probably

**Neil: **and I should warn you

**Matt: **? 😊

**Neil: **she’ll invite her girlfriend and best friend

**Neil: **they’re pretty obsessed with you?

**Matt: **with ME

**Matt: **why

**Matt: **you been gossiping 😉

**Neil: **you were the first date I’ve been on since high school

**Neil: **their curiosity is literally boundless

**Matt: **INTERESTING

**Matt: **happy to provide entertainment to pretty ladies as long as there’s chips

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **I didn’t say they were pretty

**Matt: **you didn’t say they WEREN’T

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **hey

**Neil: **are you

**Neil: **um

**Matt: **? yes sweetie?

**Neil: **bi?

**Matt: **yeh!

**Matt: **it’s on my profile?

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **sorry, I didn’t notice

**Neil: **sorry

**Matt: **don’t be!! Doesn’t matter to me very much, I don’t exactly advertise it, just who I am. Does it matter to you?

**Neil: **no, allison’s bi

**Neil: **she thinks I am actually

**Matt: **and what do you think?

\---

**Neil: **matt’s coming over Friday

**Allison: **that’s not an answer to my question

**Allison: **wait

**Allison: **TINDER matt

**Allison: **DATE TURNED FRIEND matt

**Neil: **I’m just letting you know

**Allison: **this is EXCEPTIONAL

\---

**Neil: **sorry, I didn’t mean to annoy you

**Andrew: **you’re a particular brand of pathetic today

\---

**Andrew: **neil

**Andrew: **what’s up

**Neil: **don’t worry about it

**Neil: **hope studying goes ok

**Andrew: **ok

\---

**Allison: **can I invite the gang

**Neil: **can I stop you

\---

**Allison: **hello gang

**Renee: **hey beautiful

**Renee: **what’s up

**Allison: **come round Friday!

**Dan: **what’s happening Friday?

**Neil: **falcons v tornadoes

**Dan: **ooh

**Dan: **is this a

**Dan: **sports thing

**Neil: **yes danielle

**Dan: **don’t call me danielle

**Dan: **I got it, didn’t i?

**Renee: **thank you for the invitation neil 😊

**Allison: **hey

**Renee: **is there anything in particular we should bring?

**Renee: **for exy watching?

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **no?

**Allison: **yes

**Allison: **bring warm weather gear

**Allison: **because

**Dan: **?

**Allison: **it’s about

**Neil: **omygod

**Allison: **TO GET

**Renee: **…

**Allison: **HOTTTTTTT

**Neil: **can I leave this group

**Dan: **no

**Dan: **also what’s she talking about

**Neil: **I just invited matt round

**Neil: **nbd

**Renee: **aw neil that’s sweet

**Dan: **NO BIG DEAL? HUNK ALERT

**Neil: **how do you even know

**Dan: **um duh we spent like five hours looking at his photo

**Neil: **oright

**Allison: **I have not received the credit I feel I am due

**Renee: **honey! We are so proud of you for setting neil up with an attractive young man that he has ended up making a friend out of :)

**Allison: **<3

**Dan: **and now we will be forced to watch Sports to get to be in his presence

**Neil: **am I even needed in this

**Dan: **yes, how else will I meet attractive sports fans

**Neil: **you don’t even like exy

**Dan: **shush you

**Dan: **are chips good sports snacks 

\---

**Andrew: **ok if for example I have finished going over my notes

**Andrew: **and lying in bed unable to sleep

**Andrew: **might you have finished your strop

**Neil: **what strop

**Andrew: **what’s wrong with you today

**Neil: **you’re the one who said you’d rather be anywhere else

**Andrew: **yeh

**Andrew: **well

**Neil: **…

**Neil: **I feel a “your mom” coming on

**Andrew: **hey

**Andrew: **anyway

**Andrew: **either tell me what’s got you all sensitive and pissy or tell me a story

**Neil: **what kind of story

**Andrew: **coward

**Andrew: **what were you doing when I texted

**Neil: **honestly? Nothing

**Andrew: **see this is why I like talking to you

**Andrew: **such riveting content

**Neil: **you like talking to me?

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **…

**Andrew: **go away

\---

**Andrew: **ok come back

**Neil: **honestly this would be a little exhausting if I wasn’t finding it impossible to get to sleep

**Andrew: **hey same

**Andrew: **how about that

**Andrew: **the compatibility is off the charts

**Neil: **you find me so annoying to talk to

**Andrew: **sure but life is short

**Andrew: **what do you do when you do nothing

**Neil: **other than talk to you

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **dunno

**Neil: **sometimes me and Alli watch tv

**Andrew: **that’s not nothing

**Andrew: **what were you doing when you texted

**Andrew: **you know the one

**Andrew: ***im neil im sad and don’t want to talk about why*

**Neil: **dunno, guess I’m in bed texting people

**Andrew: **for the last few hours?

**Neil: **yeah

**Andrew: **neil

**Andrew: **you don’t have that many friends

**Neil: **look asshole

**Neil: **you don’t actually know anything about me

**Neil: **I didn’t actually ask for you to yell at me, and then interrogate my personal life, and then criticise me for it

**Neil: **so how about you fuck off

\---

**Allison: **hey bab do we need any groceries

\---

**Matt: **hey neil! I hope you’re ok buddy

**Matt: **sorry about that last question, you absolutely don’t have to talk to me about that if you don’t want to :)

**Matt: **but, speaking as someone who struggled to work out who they were, with pressure from my parents to settle with a girl

**Matt: **it wasn’t til college that I realised I was bi

**Matt: **just know I’m here if you ever wanna talk!

**Matt: **I know you’ve got allison, and she sounds great, so I’m sure you’re fine

**Matt: **but hey, I actually think you’re pretty awesome, and would love to listen if you ever need to chat

**Matt: **ANYWAY. Sorry for wall of text!! Hoping we’re still on for Friday. -Matt(yboi 😉)

\---

**Allison: **neil honeyyyy

**Allison: **wanna hang out tonight? Haven’t seen you for a few days

**Neil: **sure

**Allison: **be honest, have you been going out or hiding in your room

**Neil: **what do you wanna watch

**Allison: **I’ll get the popcorn, you grab blankets

\---

**Allison: **neil is sad :(

**Renee: **oh poor neil

**Renee: **do you know what’s wrong?

**Allison: **of course not, this is neil

**Allison: **the day he talks to me about anything voluntarily will be a fucking miracle

**Renee: **maybe all you can do is be there for him

**Allison: **I’m fucking trying but he picked the saddest fucking film

**Allison: **I swear, I can’t eat popcorn to this shit

**Renee: **what movie?

**Allison: **perks of being a wallflower

**Renee: **huh

\---

**Renee: **hey neil :) what you up to

**Neil: **allison is texting you isn’t she

**Renee: **well

**Renee: **maybe not

**Renee: **but how did you know

**Neil: **you don’t text me that often, renee

**Neil: **also she has a dumb look on her face

**Renee: **well anyway that’s irrelevant

**Renee: **(though adorable, sneaky piccies if possible please and thank you)

**Renee: **she’s worried about you

**Neil: **she can just ask if she’s got a problem with me

**Renee: **hey, no need for that – I just thought I’d let you know

**Renee: **we all care about you

**Renee: **you have people who will listen if you need to talk :)

**Neil: **I know

**Neil: **I’m fine

**Neil: **really

**Neil: **but, thanks

**Renee: **:)

\---

**Neil: **it shouldn’t be easier talking to you than my friends

**Neil: **wait

**Matt: **haha, um

**Neil: **sorry

**Matt: **haha buddy I’m not gonna take every dumb thing you say (no offence) as a friendship ruiner, don’t worry so much

**Matt: **what’s up?

**Neil: **I just feel stressed and weird

**Matt: **weird?

**Matt: **e x p a n d

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **allison pushing me on this sexuality stuff is kind of stressful honestly

**Matt: **that makes a lot of sense to me! it is super stressful

**Neil: **I know she’s coming at it from a good place

**Neil: **she’s really happy with her girlfriend, and wants me to be happy too

**Matt: **ok

**Matt: **what do you want?

**Neil: **I have no idea

**Neil: **that’s the whole problem

**Matt: **you know you don’t have to figure your sexuality out *right now*, right?

**Matt: **hell some people come out in their 50s after decades of being happily straight-married

**Matt: **you can tell her to back off, if you need to

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **she might be right though

**Neil: **all I do is work, study, sleep

**Matt: **hey that’s not true

**Matt: **falconers are gonna WHOOP tornadoes ass

**Neil: **haha, not if Coach Wyland has anything to say about it

**Matt: **oh and what’s that

**Neil: **I heard he’s switching up his line-up

**Matt: **OH REALLY

**Matt: **ok we need to get into this

**Matt: **but don’t distract me I’m on a roll

**Matt: **my point is there must be things in your life you like! Example one: my awesome self

**Neil: **:)

**Matt: **example two: exy, which is just the best

**Neil: **yeh ofc

**Matt: **don’t sell yourself or your life short. It sounds like you’ve got some great friends, and you were really brave to go on that date with me, honestly

**Matt: **it’s so much easier for me, I’ve been doing this for a year now

**Neil: **yeh?

**Matt: **BUDDY I can’t wait to hug you on Friday

**Matt: **I’m gonna hug you so fucking hard

**Neil: **hah

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **also we’re gonna talk more

**Matt: **I understand why you might find it easier to talk to a near-stranger. We have no expectations or demands of each other, you know?

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **it’s hard to find relationships like that

**Neil: **mm

**Matt: **ok I gtg but we need to a) talk about Wyland’s line-up I will be googling that shit on the way to work, and b) what time Friday??

**Neil: **7pm? :)

**Matt: **perfect! 😊 Look after yourself buddy. You’re pretty awesome, don’t want you thinking otherwise and letting that get in the way of anything!

\---

**Neil: **ok look

**Neil: **three men are standing on top of the empire state building

**Neil: **the first one says to the other two, “these wind currents are insane, you could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground”

**Neil: **the second one says, “you're crazy!”

**Neil: **so the first guy jumps jumps off of the building, and after a few minutes he’s floating back up to the top, safe and sound

**Neil: **the second guy says, “oh my god, I’m gonna have a go”

**Neil: **so he leaps off of the building, falls to the ground and splatters all over the sidewalk

**Neil: **the first guy smiles, amused

**Neil: **and the third guy looks at him and says, “that was mean, Superman”

**Andrew: **…

**Neil: **you’re welcome

**Andrew: **I’m not thanking you for that

**Neil: **you wanted a joke

**Andrew: **yeh like a month ago

**Neil: **it has not been a month

**Neil: **drama queen

**Andrew: **thank you for my joke

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **you googled it didn’t you

**Neil: **of course

**Neil: **where else do you get jokes from

**Andrew: **what did batman say to robin before he got in the batmobile

**Neil: **…

**Andrew: **get in the fucking car, robin

**Neil: **?

**Andrew: **lmao

**Andrew: **ho ho ho

**Andrew: **:)

**Neil: **???

**Andrew: **that is how you joke

**Neil: **that was not a fucking joke

**Neil: **that was just a retelling of a conversation

**Andrew: **so was yours

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **but

**Neil: **wait

**Andrew: **ah, see this is fun

**Andrew: **please do throw yourself at a linguistics problem, math major

**Neil: **shut up

\---

**Neil: **I watched that movie btw

**Andrew: **which one

**Neil: **perks of being a wallflower

**Andrew: **ah

**Neil: **it wasn’t very perky

**Andrew: **no

**Andrew: **I didn’t say it was

**Neil: **I liked it

**Andrew: **I didn’t ask

**Neil: **it was sad, but very good

**Neil: **made me feel a bit uncomfortable

**Andrew: **?

**Neil: **dk. Never mind

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **look im sorry about before

**Andrew: **don’t

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **are we ok tho

**Andrew: **superman walks into a bar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok this was supposed to be my FUNNY fic and it's turned into a FEELINGS fic because apparently i literally don't know how to not let a thing do that. but anyway. hoping y'all are still enjoying "light-hearted tinder romp turned neil has feelings ono what are they", fic. xxx


	6. Chapter 6

**Neil: **do we have food

**Allison: **food like what

**Neil: **like food in the house that humans consume

**Allison: **you mean other than leftover takeout

**Allison: **I think there’s a pear in the fridge

**Allison: **possibly a lemon

**Neil: **will you buy food

**Allison: **depends

**Neil: **on

**Allison: **how

**Allison: **HOT

**Allison: **YOU WANT IT

**Neil: **…

**Neil: **will you please act normal tonight

**Allison: **never

\---

**Andrew: **entertain me

**Neil: **entertain yourself

**Andrew: **where’s the fun in that

**Andrew: **what are you doing

**Neil: **panicking

**Andrew: **ah, perfect

**Andrew: **let me get popcorn

**Neil: **asshole

**Andrew: **why are you panicking

**Neil: **someone’s coming round

**Andrew: **you mean allison

**Andrew: **or allison’s girlfriend

**Andrew: **or allison’s friend

**Neil: **good memory

**Andrew: **it’s honestly not hard to remember the three people you have mentioned

**Neil: **no, matt

**Andrew: **you’ve never mentioned a matt

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **he’s the guy

**Neil: **uh the guy I went on a date with

**Andrew: **ah

**Neil: **so, yeh

**Neil: **I never have people round

**Neil: **allison’s buying food

**Neil: **i’m assuming she would have told me if I had to do anything else

**Neil: **right?

**Andrew: **I’m sure you’re fine

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Andrew: **my popcorn ran out

**Neil: **were you actually eating popcorn

**Andrew: **look, have you showered

**Neil: **excuse me?

**Andrew: **I’m helping

**Neil: **yes, I am a regular showerer I’ll have you know

**Andrew: **have you vacuumed

**Neil: **oh shit

**Andrew: **let’s take that as a no

**Neil: **ok I could do that

**Andrew: **yes you could

**Andrew: **you owe me popcorn

\---

**Allison: **ok there’s beer and pizza in the fridge, dan is bringing chips, renee is bringing her beYOOtiful smile

**Neil: **great, renee is such a giver

**Allison: **I know, I’m so lucky

**Allison: **what time’s the hunk coming round?

**Neil: **7

**Allison: **k hun

**Neil: **why am I nervous

**Allison: **well I don’t know

**Allison: **because you’re a hedgehog

**Neil: **I still don’t know what that means

**Allison: **small and prickly and likely to curl up in a small ball at the slightest hint of danger?

**Neil: **I don’t think that’s accurate

**Allison: **maybe because you actually like this guy?

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **I really

**Neil: **I mean yes, he’s really nice

**Neil: **apparently I am in for a big hug

**Allison: **well that’s ADORABLE

**Allison: **I can’t wait to meet him

**Allison: **and to watch this hug fest

**Neil: **but that’s all

**Neil: **I don’t like him like that

**Allison: **not that, let’s be honest, you could necessarily tell

**Neil: **why do you say that?

**Allison: **well, because you don’t like *anyone*, so I feel like your criteria and self-awareness is probably a little off base

**Neil: **maybe I’m just not like you

**Allison: **who are you like then

**Neil: **idk

**Allison: **…ok great chat

\---

**Neil: **I vacuumed

**Andrew: **I actually didn’t need that update, but thank you

**Neil: **consider it pre-payment for popcorn

**Andrew: **that’s cute

**Neil: **:O

**Andrew: **shut up

**Andrew: **what are you wearing

**Neil: **um

**Andrew: **honestly neil can you just, for one second

**Andrew: **I mean for your date

**Neil: **hah, oh I see

**Neil: **wait, what date

**Andrew: **um the guy you’ve just vacuumed for

**Andrew: **are you in a coma

**Neil: **that’s not a date

**Neil: **i didn’t say it was a date

**Andrew: **but it’s date guy

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **andrew, it’s not like that

**Neil: **did I not tell you

**Neil: **I sent him what you said, and he totally agreed, and we’re just friends. He’s coming round to watch exy, and the girls are coming too. Like as a friend thing

**Andrew: **aah

**Neil: **?

**Andrew: **well

**Andrew: **you never told me that, how was I supposed to know

**Neil: **why can’t you ask like a normal person

**Andrew: **anyway

**Neil: **you can’t just anyway anything I say you don’t like, I don’t think that’s how it works

**Andrew: **anyway

**Andrew: **the question still stands

**Neil: **?

**Andrew: **what are you wearing

**Neil: **for my friend date?

**Andrew: **sure

**Neil: **dunno

**Neil: **clothes

**Andrew: **the power of imagination

**Andrew: **I am stunned

**Andrew: **hold me back, the muse is strong within me

**Andrew: **must

**Andrew: **paint

**Andrew: **this

**Andrew:** vision

**Neil: **what is wrong with you today

**Andrew: **what sort of clothes

**Neil: **why do you care

**Andrew: **wow, way to accuse

**Andrew: **I really don’t

**Andrew: **but you brought it up, so

**Neil: **I did not??

**Andrew: **t-shirt? hoody?

**Neil: **actually yeh

**Andrew: **jeans that are too big for you?

**Neil: **well, I use a belt so, I guess maybe

**Andrew: **jesus

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **you are a disaster

**Neil: **is that a good thing

**Andrew: **why would that be a good thing

**Neil: **I dunno, you seem to like it

**Andrew: **way to accuse

**Andrew: **go away I’m busy

**Neil: **sure

\---

**Dan: **D MINUS 10 MINS

**Neil: **what?

**Renee: **she’ll be there in 10

**Renee: **we both will

**Allison: **yay! Kisses for everyone!

**Renee: **😊

**Dan: **score!

**Neil: **no thanks

**Neil: **guys

**Neil: **please

**Dan: **what

**Neil: **PLEASE be normal tonight ok

**Neil: **matt’s cool, and he’s just a normal guy, and we’re just friends

**Dan: **I get it

**Renee: **yes

**Renee: **what is it the kids say

**Renee: **two bros, chilling, being heterosexual, hugging at a distance like good old friend pals

**Allison: **I thought you were 22

**Dan: **where can we get a copy of her birth certificate

**Renee: **😊

**Allison: **i love you even though you’re secretly 47

**Renee: **an old man in a young hot womanly body

**Allison: **damn fucking right

**Neil: **can you not

**Dan: **don’t worry neil, we won’t embarrass you

**Dan: **you’re clearly not right for each other

**Dan: **he’s too hunky for you

**Neil: **ok

**Allison: **don’t insult my hedgehog! He’s plenty hunky

**Neil: **I’d rather you didn’t

**Renee: **I’m not sure I’d use the word “hunky”, but neil is an attractive young man

**Allison: **47 was too kind a judgement

**Dan: **oh neil is for sure pretty, but, hunky?

**Allison: **yeh you’re right

**Allison: **google suggests ‘hunky’ means ‘large and strong’ as well as ‘sexually attractive’, the latter of which we can all agree neil is

**Renee: **leave me out of this

**Dan: **you just need to hit the gym a little, neil

**Allison: **he goes

**Dan: **yeh right

**Dan: **when’s arm day, neil, when

**Neil: **what on earth is happening

\---

**Neil: **what you up to?

**Andrew: **i’m out

**Neil: **where

**Andrew: **dinner of champions

**Andrew: **ice cream sundae

**Andrew: **[photo attached]

**Neil: **jesus

**Neil: **that’s the size of a planet

**Andrew: **I know, I’m so happy I could die

**Andrew: **:--)

**Neil: **stop

**Neil: **who you with

**Andrew: **my brother and cousin

**Neil: **are they your only friends

**Neil: **is this why we’re friends

**Andrew: **excuse me

**Andrew: **how dare you

**Andrew: **they’re not my friends

**Neil: **hah

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **how’s friend date going

**Neil: **um, yeh, I think ok

**Andrew: **does he smell nice

**Neil: **seriously will you stop

**Neil: **it’s not like that

**Neil: **but also yes

**Andrew: **???

**Neil: **he’s a really big hugger

**Andrew: **how exciting for you

**Neil: **I have been hugged more times this evening than ever in my life

**Andrew: **that’s

**Andrew: **I see

**Neil: **I am not a big hugger

**Andrew: **no kidding

**Neil: **I managed to escape using clever diversion tactics

**Andrew: **you went to get a drink

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **smart

**Andrew: **one of a kind

**Andrew: **what do you drink

**Neil: **oh, I don’t really

**Andrew: **?

**Neil: **water, mostly

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **people think it’s weird

**Andrew: **why

**Neil: **I’m 21 and I don’t drink alcohol, apparently that’s as big a sin as being a virgin

**Andrew: **why can’t you just do whatever you want

**Neil: **not that

**Neil: **I didn’t

**Neil: **well

**Andrew: **oh good, we’re back to panic, my company over here was starting to get a little dull

**Neil: **I didn’t mean to imply anything

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **not sure why you think I care

**Neil: **oh, um, I don’t

**Andrew: **I mean I’m not sure why you think I’d judge you

**Neil: **oh

**Andrew: **life is complicated

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **do whatever you need to and fuck anyone who says otherwise

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **thanks andrew

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **you are honestly the most irritating person I’ve ever had the pleasure of not actually meeting

**Neil: **um. thanks?

**Andrew: **sure

\---

**Andrew: **what’s happening now

**Andrew: **has there been any more nice smells

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **you mean from friend man

**Andrew: **sure, or any other smells really, happy to receive litany of evening smells

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **actually

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **can I ask you something

**Andrew: **sure

**Andrew: **wait

**Andrew: **I’m getting comfortable

**Andrew: **ok I’m ready

**Neil: **you didn’t actually move did you

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **where are you?

**Andrew: **club

**Neil: **the family?

**Andrew: **dancing

**Neil: **you’re by yourself

**Andrew: **I’m never by myself neil

**Andrew: **I have

**Andrew: **You

**Neil: **hahaha

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **are you drunk

**Andrew: **maybe but it was a fucking joke

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **where’s my question

**Neil: **so, I am now sitting on the floor, because people were talking too loudly and I wanted to hear the commentary

**Andrew: **jesus

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **go on

**Neil: **and anyway allison and her girlfriend are sharing the armchair and I don’t want to interrupt

**Andrew: **with your eyes

**Neil: **exactly

**Andrew: **go on

**Neil: **so matt and dan are on the sofa

**Andrew: **(I’m assuming dan is the best friend, not a dog or something)

**Neil: **(no)

**Neil: **(I mean yes)

**Andrew: **(ok)

**Andrew: **so what are they engaging in flirtatious behaviour

**Neil: **this is my question

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Neil: **but they’re very close, and behind me, but sometimes matt says something to me so I have to turn round

**Neil: **give me an example

**Andrew: **you know

**Andrew: **googly eyes

**Andrew: **shoulder touching

**Andrew: **laughing at jokes that would not normally be worthy of a pity smile

**Neil: **then yes

**Andrew: **how disappointing for you

**Neil: **will you stop

**Neil: **I could not be more thrilled at how much apparent sexual activity is going on around me

**Andrew: **I would hardly call shoulder touching sexual activity

**Neil: **ok half-time’s over, sorry

**Andrew: **one-track mind, I get it

**Andrew: **I signed up to this

**Andrew: **I dug my own grave, as it were

**Andrew: **I mean “likes: exy”

**Andrew: **whoever would have thought that was serious

\---

**Neil: **oh jesus

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **where am I supposed to go

**Andrew: **why

**Neil: **I nearly walked in on allison and girlfriend in the bathroom

**Andrew: **unfortunate

**Neil: **and matt and dan are doing staring eyes and leg touching on the sofa

**Andrew: **hide in the kitchen

**Neil: **helpful

**Neil: **go dance

**Andrew: **I would never

\---

**Neil: **that was bad advice

**Andrew: **wait a second, on the way home

**Neil: **are you driving?

**Andrew: **uber

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Andrew: **I’m comfortable

**Neil: **well thank god for that

**Andrew: **you may proceed

**Neil: **are you in bed?

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **me too

**Andrew: **thrilling

**Andrew: **is that my update

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **so matt approached me in the kitchen, and asked me if he could ask out dan

**Andrew: **how disappointing for you

**Neil: **OH MY GOD

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **I don’t know why he asked me, but I said he could do whatever he wanted

**Andrew: **and?

**Neil: **and then dan

**Andrew: **lmaooo

**Andrew: **ruuuuined

**Andrew: **etc

**Neil: **thanks for your support

**Neil: **and then dan found me and asked if she could

**Neil: **well she asked in a slightly different way

**Andrew: **tease

**Neil: **she asked if she had my blessing to “bang the hunk”

**Andrew: **delightful

**Andrew: **I do like to know how the hets talk these days

**Neil: **hets?

**Andrew: **heterosexuals

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **well matt’s bi

**Andrew: **obviously

**Neil: **well, how would the uh, non-hets say it

**Andrew: **you mean the gays

**Neil: **sure

**Andrew: **I don’t know

**Andrew: **they might say they want to blow you

**Neil: **right

**Andrew: **or wreck you so hard you can’t even open your mouth to say stupid things

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **wild

**Andrew: **I know

**Andrew: **what’s the world coming to

**Andrew: **the queers eh

**Neil: **you’re so

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Neil: **yourself

**Andrew: **and what are you

**Neil: **nobody

**Andrew: **hmm

**Neil: **I think I'm gonna go to sleep

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **good night neil

**Neil: **good night

\---

**Andrew: **it’s not a bad thing

**Andrew:** to be nobody

**Andrew: **you’re a blank canvas

**Andrew: **maybe you could just make your own rules

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i? love? them? so? much? ok that's all bye xxx


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the comments on this fic always make my day!! you guys are insane and i love you xxx

**Neil: **thanks for coming on Friday matt I had fun

**Matt: **BUDDY

**Matt: **me too 😊

**Matt: **and, you know

**Matt: **your friend dan

**Matt: **I think I might be in love

**Neil: **ha

**Matt: **no really

**Neil: **you only met her a few days ago

**Matt: **I KNOW

**Matt: **it's ridiculous 

**Matt: **I cant stop thinking about her

**Neil: **ha, ok, il let her know

**Matt: **omg please don’t

**Neil: **?

**Matt: **I havent messaged her yet

**Neil: **why not

**Matt: **FEAR

**Neil: **of

**Matt: **SHE’S SO BEAUTIFUL

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **I think she feels the same way about you

**Matt: 😱**

**Matt: **tell me more

**Neil: **they all call you Hunk of Man

**Matt: **!!!

**Matt: **(all?)

**Neil: **mostly dan

**Matt: **wow

**Matt: **ok

**Matt: **wow

**Matt: **ok that just makes everything worse

**Neil: **why

**Matt: **…

**Matt: **I’M NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: 😭**

\---

**Neil: **hey

**Dan: **what

**Neil: **dan

**Dan: **that’s me

**Neil: **so

**Dan: **yes

**Neil: **do you like matt

**Dan: **yes why

\---

**Neil: **she likes you

**Matt: **how do you know??

**Neil: **I asked

**Matt: **you just ASKED

**Neil: **yeh?

**Matt: **HOW?

**Neil: **[screenshot attached]

**Matt: **jfksfdstrds

**Neil: **???

**Matt: **what is wrong with you

\---

**Neil: **[screenshot attached]

**Neil: **ali

**Neil: **matt seems kinda mad

**Neil: **what did I do wrong

**Allison: **NEIL

**Allison: **my darling hedgehog

**Allison: **you don’t just go around saying these things

**Neil: **why not??

**Allison: **that’s not how this shit works

**Allison: **you don’t just ask someone if they like someone, it’s more complicated than that

**Neil: **why on earth would it be more complicated than that

**Allison: **well, they might not mean the same thing you do by the word ‘like’, like does dan fancy him or looove him or just want to ride his dick

**Allison: **and by asking her before matt’s had a chance to you’ve made matt seem dumb and small

**Neil: **none of this makes any sense

**Neil: **I don’t get it

**Allison: **ah my darling, you will one day

**Neil: **stop fucking saying that

**Neil: **maybe I don’t want to get it

**Allison: **dude

**Neil: **maybe I’m gonna make my own rules

**Allison: **what?

**Neil: **I’m a blank fucking canvas

**Allison: **huh??

\---

**Matt: **omgomg

**Neil: **calm down

**Matt: **no

**Neil: **just ask her out

**Matt: **how

**Neil: **you’re asking me?

**Matt: **fair point

**Matt: **but you know her better than I do! What would she respond better to, like a casual hey, like maybe a friend date first, like maybe a bunch of us should just go out what do you think?

**Neil: **christ

**Neil: **just fucking ask her, or don’t ask her

**Neil: **but work it out yourself

**Matt: **oookaaay

\---

**Neil: **ok I get it

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **I hate everyone

**Andrew: **welcome

\---

**Allison: **srsly, you’re not talking to me?

**Neil: **maybe I’m sick of being told I don’t know who I am, or what I’m doing, or how relationships work

**Allison: **I never said any of that

**Neil: **you literally do

**Neil: **you imply it all the time

**Allison: **alright asshole calm down

**Allison: **I was just trying to help, you should be grateful

**Neil: **yeh well maybe I’m just not like you

**Allison: **clearly

\---

**Andrew: **what’s happened

**Neil: **nothing

**Andrew: **original

**Neil: **I’m sick of all of them

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **what are you doing

**Andrew: **not talking to you if you’re going to be an angry pisshead

**Neil: **oh like you’re not angry all the time

**Andrew: **when? Have I ever? Been angry?

**Neil: **well I don’t know

**Neil: **you’re an asshole

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **why don’t you tell me how you really feel

**Neil: **the world being shit doesn’t make you angry?

**Andrew: **anger is pointless

**Neil: **oyeh

**Neil: **along with every other emotion huh

**Neil: **that’s original

**Andrew: **what’s got your knickers in a twist

**Neil: **maybe I’m sick of playing games

**Andrew: **ok

\---

**Allison: **AAAARGH

**Renee: **???

**Allison: **that’s it, I’m done

**Dan: **what

**Allison: **neil can die celibate and alone see if I give a fuck

**Renee: **oh

**Dan: **what’s happd

**Allison: **you know I spend all my time looking after the little shit, I buy our groceries, I teach him how to cook, I help him buy clothes, I introduced him to you guys, he only has friends because of me, I signed him up to tinder BECAUSE I WANTED TO HELP, he’s literally always messaging people but won’t tell me who, and he’s being a fucking asshole about it

**Renee: **oh dear

**Dan: **what a little shit

**Renee: **hmm

**Allison: **what

**Dan: **what, I was supportive

**Renee: **hmm

**Allison: **FUCKING WHAT

**Dan: **ali I love you

**Allison: **this cannot be good

**Dan: **but we did tell you not to push

**Allison: **when have I ever pushed?

**Allison: **like literally when??

**Allison: **all I want is the best for him!

**Renee: **oh honey

\---

**Andrew: **what did you mean

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **games

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Andrew: **ok

\---

**Matt: **man I’m sorry

**Matt: **I didn’t mean to go on about dan to you, was that insensitive?

**Neil: **why would it be insensitive

**Neil: **I don’t like you like that

**Matt: **uh, no me neither, that’s not what I meant

**Neil: **ok?

**Matt: **just, you know

**Matt: **you’re still figuring this stuff out

**Matt: **maybe you don’t want it thrown in your face all the time

**Neil: **or maybe I want people to stop treating me like I’m an idiot

**Matt: **um

**Matt: **yep that too, totally, ok

**Matt: **sorry neil

**Matt: **☹ ☹

\---

**Allison: **great, not you guys too

**Renee: **my darling, he has mentioned a few times that he wanted you to back off, for example when you were calling him gay, and you have not been listening

**Allison: **that was you that suggested it, not him

**Allison: **not once has he actually asked me to stop

**Renee: **actually it was neil

**Allison: **what??

**Renee: **he texted me and asked me to get you to stop calling him gay

**Allison: **oh great so now y’all are going behind my back

**Dan: **jeez ali calm down

**Allison: **fuck off

**Dan: **what did I do??

**Allison: **maybe take my side for once

**Dan: **I’m always on your side

**Dan: **when you’re right

**Allison: **great

**Allison: **I don’t wanna talk about this anymore

**Renee: **don’t be like that :(

**Dan: **nah let her

\---

**Andrew: **be nice to your friends

**Neil: **this isn’t about them

**Andrew: **sure

**Neil: **I am being nice to them

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **it’s not about them

**Neil: **but

**Neil: **fuck

**Neil: **how do you always know everything

**Andrew: **I am a m a g i c i a n

**Neil: **???

**Andrew: **fuck’s sake neil you care about two things

**Neil: **I do?

**Andrew: **stick ball and allison

**Neil: **oh

**Andrew: **and I’m guessing it’s not running around with a stick that’s got you in a mood

**Neil: **ok but she’s being an asshole

**Andrew: **but you like assholes

**Neil: **how do you know

**Andrew: **:)

**Neil: **oh stop

**Andrew: **never

**Neil: **ok maybe I blew up a little at her

**Andrew: **there you go

**Neil: **but she’s pushing this dating stuff and I’m tired of it and maybe I’m just not like her and I want her to stop

**Andrew: **so just tell her that

**Andrew: **establish your boundaries and expect her to meet them

**Neil: **I did

**Andrew: **what exactly did you say to her

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **anyway

**Andrew: **wait

**Neil: **ok thanks for the advice

**Andrew: **excuse me

\---

**Neil: **you’re an asshole

**Allison: **is that my apology

**Neil: **what apology

**Neil: **he suggested I explain, so I am doing

**Allison: **who? matt??

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **you’re being an asshole

**Neil: **and I understand why

**Allison: **worst fucking apology ever

**Neil: **and maybe I haven’t been clear

**Neil: **so I’m being clear now, ok

**Allison: **what

**Neil: **stop it

**Allison: **fine

**Allison: **and you know what? buy your own fucking groceries

**Neil: **I literally never asked you to shop for me

**Allison: **right and you were happy living the rest of your life off beans from a can

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **you don’t know anything about me

**Allison: **maybe because you never tell me anything

**Neil: **well I’m telling you this

**Neil: **maybe I’m not gay, or straight, or bisexual, have you thought about that

**Neil: **maybe I don’t want to play by dumb fucking rules that say you can’t just _say_ things to people

**Neil: **who would want to live by those rules

**Neil: **maybe I don’t want to live in a world that tells me I’m boring for being 21 and not drinking or having sex

**Neil: **maybe I want my best friend to understand that and respect it

**Allison: **jesus I didn’t

**Allison: **I just think it’s likely

**Allison: **I just want you to be happy

**Neil: **I know

**Neil: **but I don’t know how to be happy

**Allison: **well that’s fucking sad

**Neil: **and you pushing me on this stuff isn’t gonna make me happy

**Allison: **well, ok

**Allison: **like

**Allison: **I’m not sorry

**Allison: **I kinda just want what’s best for you and I don’t see what’s wrong with that

**Neil: **I didn’t expect you to be

**Neil: **you’re an asshole

**Allison: **well god neil

**Allison: **I think I’m gonna cry

\---

**Neil: **when I said games I meant you by the way

**Andrew: **yeh

**Neil: **why can’t people just say what they mean

**Andrew: **maybe it’s more complicated than that

**Neil: **you sound just like her

**Andrew: **wise, this allison is

**Neil: **you think I’m complicated?

**Andrew: **that’s not what I said

**Neil: **do you like me?

**Andrew: **ask me something else

**Neil: **why

**Andrew: **I’m about to go out

**Neil: **where

**Andrew: **got a date

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **really?

**Andrew: **yes neil

**Andrew: **we met on tinder

**Andrew: **I assume you remember

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **ok great and you’ve been on a date, correct

**Neil:** yeh

**Andrew: **cool well now I am going on one

**Andrew: **I go on dates sometimes

**Neil: **you never said anything

**Andrew: **I don’t tell you everything

**Neil: **right

**Neil: **I guess I thought you would have done

**Andrew: **sounds like your problem

**Neil: **I told you about matt

**Andrew: **not really

**Andrew: **only to get my advice

**Andrew: **expecting me to stick around just so you can ask me for advice on dating, your friends, your life

**Andrew: **no thanks

**Andrew: **trying to work out if I like you as part of some experiment of yours when we both know this is a fucking pipe dream

**Andrew:** nah

**Andrew:** wanting me to help you figure out your sexuality as if it's really complicated and interesting, when it’s fucking clear who you are if only you’d do some of the work yourself for once

**Andrew: **as I said, I’m a little busy

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **like I never asked

**Neil: **I didn’t know that was all this was

\---

**Neil: **andrew?

**Neil: **I guess you've gone out

**Neil:** um have fun on your date

**Neil: **tell me about it later yeh

**Neil: **or don’t, whatever, up to you

**Neil: **sorry, you’re busy

**Neil: **k

\---

**Neil: **sorry matt

**Matt: **that’s ok buddy I’m really sorry I was stupid about this stuff

**Matt: **you totally get to say how you wanna feel about it and talk about it

**Matt: **how can I help

**Neil: **stop being so nice

**Matt: **haha ok

**Neil: **come round?

**Matt: **!! sure, everything ok?

**Neil: **dunno

**Matt: **that’s totally fine, can’t wait to see you!

**Matt: **I’ll bring hugs and my dumbass smile

**Matt: **see you soon 😊

\---

**Neil: **movie night?

**Allison: **really?

**Neil: **yeh. Matt’s coming over.

**Allison: **ok!

**Neil: **don’t invite renee or dan

**Allison: **happy to

**Neil: **please buy food

**Allison: **of course I fucking will I was joking

**Neil: **ok

**Allison: **are you ok

**Neil: **of course

**Allison: **ok because you never ask anyone for anything

**Allison: **neil?

**Allison: **ok honey see you soon xx

\---

_IT’S A MATCH!_

\---

**Melissa:** hey gorgeous

**Neil: **hey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> um sorry xxx


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha soooorry people were so mad XD. this was the soonest i could make it up to you!  
you'll notice i changed the tags to include a smidge of angst ;) i'm sorry  
(i'm not even slightly sorry)  
also i dont know the lingo i call all messaging texting IS THAT STILL WHAT WE CALL IT who knows but in this au it is  
xxx

**Allison: **hey honey renee’s coming over tonight, you wanna hang with us?

**Neil: **can’t

**Allison: **you’ve been sulking in your room for a week

**Allison: **no longer shall I let this lie

**Neil: **I havent been sulking

**Neil: **and I cant hang out because im going out

**Allison: **excuse ME

**Allison: **really?

**Neil: **yep

**Allison: **with WHO

**Neil: **not that it’s any of your business of course

**Allison: **of course

**Allison: **who am I, except your best friend who lets you live here at a reduced rent, cooks your meals, gives you exciting life advice

**Neil: **gets more and more exciting every day al

**Allison: **I know

**Allison: **Im a treat

**Allison: **so?

**Neil: **I guess im going on a date

**Allison: **!

**Allison: **huh

**Neil: **what

**Allison: **nope

**Neil: **whaat

**Allison: **nothing

**Allison: **have a nice time

**Allison: **wear your coat

**Neil: **really

**Allison: **what

**Neil: **that’s all you have to say

**Allison: **hey I am a respecter of boundaries young hedgehog

**Allison: **you say no allison, your life advice – while excellent and thoughtful and tailored to my very person – is not wanted right now

**Allison: **who am i

**Allison: **after all

**Neil: **oh my god

**Neil: **I didn’t ask you to never speak again

**Neil: **drama queen

**Allison: **well im not sure what level of opinion im allowed here

**Neil: **you’re allowed an opinion

**Neil: **but im going out in ten minutes, so

**Allison: **!!

**Allison: **jesus

**Allison: **well, I guess, I thought that experiment had sort of died in the water

**Neil: **why?

**Allison: **um I don’t know if you remember yelling at me

**Allison: **and matt

**Allison: **and basically being glued to tinder

**Allison: **and then the night?

**Neil: **yes

**Allison: **neil you [cried]

**Neil: **I did not

**Allison: **you [did]

**Neil: **stop it

**Allison: **we sandwiched you

**Neil: **it was a nice sandwich

**Neil: **and if I did cry

**Allison: **[crying]

**Neil: **which I didn’t

**Neil: **it was because it was a fucking sad movie

**Allison: **how were we supposed to know you hadn’t seen frozen before

**Neil: **I haven’t seen anything? You know that?

**Neil: **anyway what’s your point

**Allison: **well since [the night]

**Neil: **stop it

**Allison: **you haven’t mentioned dating since, I’ve barely seen you on your phone

**Allison: **how come you’re going on a date all of a sudden

**Neil: **it isn’t all of a sudden, I arranged it a week ago, this is just the first night she’s free

**Allison: **she

**Allison: **huh

**Neil: **you can’t just ‘huh’ gender

**Allison: **I fucking can

**Neil: **hey you like girls

**Neil: **maybe I can too

**Allison: **yes I am filled with confidence

**Neil: **anyway I can date whoever I want

**Allison: **yes

**Allison: **I literally said that

**Allison: **that’s how this whole thing started

**Neil: **yeh well

**Neil: **that’s what I meant

**Neil: **maybe I’m just taking your advice

**Allison: **…

**Allison: **ok what’s going on

**Neil: **what

**Allison: **you hate taking my advice

**Neil: **look I gotta go

**Allison: **I am sighing at you

**Allison: **are you going to a public area

**Neil: **I am not twelve

**Allison: **neil you don’t even remember your age half the time

**Allison: **if she asks you can always check your profile

**Neil: **great pep talk thanks

**Allison: **CALL ME IF SHE’S DULL OR UGLY

**Neil: **k bye

**Allison: **bye

\---

**Allison: **hey honey

**Renee: **:) :)

**Allison: **you coming over tonight?

**Renee: **still yes

**Renee: **clingy

**Allison: **the world is in a shift right now, and I must admit I am a little perturbed

**Renee: **tell me

**Allison: **neil

**Allison: **a) is going on a date, and didn’t tell me to freak out or ask what to wear

**Renee: **ooh

**Allison: **b) with a GURL

**Renee: **ooh!

**Renee: **(girls are great though)

**Allison: **c) suggested he was just following my advice? Advice which he basically spent last week yelling at me for?

**Allison: **(yes I know im a fan myself)

**Allison: **(but don’t get distracted)

**Renee: **(right)

**Renee: **hmm

**Renee: **maybe he really is just trying out the whole spectrum

**Allison: **but we started this experiment because he’d never fancied a girl

**Renee: **he’d never fancied a guy either

**Allison: **but that might have just been because SOCIETY didn’t give him the CHANCE

**Renee: **darling

**Allison: **yes yes I’m hardly calling him gay I just thought it was likely

**Renee: **I really think it might be more complicated than that

**Renee: **I just hope he’s doing this for the right reasons

**Allison: **me too

**Allison: **ok very suddenly bored of you not being here right now

**Renee: **!

**Renee: **we said 8

**Allison: **:(

**Renee: **ok shall leave in 10 x

**Allison: **LOVE YOU

**Renee: **😊

\---

**Neil: **hey matt

**Matt: **buddy

**Matt: **how’s it going??

**Neil: **um yeh ok

**Neil: **can I ask you something

**Matt: **sure!

**Neil: **so

**Neil: **I’m on a date

**Matt: **BUDDY

**Matt: **that’s so exciting

**Neil: **right well

**Matt: **what’s up

**Neil: **I kind of hate it

**Matt: **oh no

**Neil: **how do i

**Neil: **you know

**Neil: **leave

**Matt: **neil! I’m sorry that’s uh sucky

**Neil: **is that your advice

**Matt: **nope I’m thinking

**Matt: **where are ya? What was the plan?

**Neil: **dinner

**Matt: **oh neil

**Neil: **what?

**Neil: **she suggested it

**Matt: **dinner on a first date? Yeesh

**Neil: **what??

**Matt: **well, it commits you to like a 2 hour date

**Matt: **and sometimes you can tell about a person in the first ten minutes

**Neil: **try two

**Matt: **haha

**Matt: **ouch

**Matt: **how far through are you

**Neil: **she’s ordering starters

**Matt: **XD

**Matt: **oh man

**Matt: **I don’t think I can help

**Matt: **I wish I could!

**Matt: **lie back and think of england?

**Neil: **what does that even mean

**Matt: **text me when you escape??

**Neil: **k

**Matt: **and maybe get off your phone

**Matt: **she may be not for you but she still has feelings man

**Neil: **right

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **god

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **bye

**Matt: **XD

\---

**Dan: **al

**Allison: **danielle

**Dan: **don’t

**Dan: **you know, matt still hasn’t texted me

**Allison: **seriously??

**Allison: **I thought he was a sure thing

**Dan: **you know what

**Dan: **this is why I don’t date men

**Allison: **you’re straight

**Dan: **what’s your point

**Allison: **so you coulda just said this is why I don’t date

**Dan: **I am dating MYSELF

**Allison: **oh yes I forgot

**Dan: **I don’t need this in my life

**Dan: **he seemed pretty keen, and maybe I was just feeling generous

**Dan: **but there’s a thai place on the corner with My Name On It

**Dan: **I don’t need a man to go out

**Allison: **you go girl

**Allison: **you’re independent

**Allison: **you’re BEAUTIFUL

**Dan: **thank you

**Allison: **you don’t need anyone else!

**Dan: **exactly

**Dan: **thank you

**Allison: **(want me and renee to meet you there in 20?)

**Dan: **(if you could)

**Dan: **(plus however many minutes it takes to ensure you don’t spend the whole of dinner watching each other’s mouths)

**Allison: **(give me 40)

**Dan: **(make it an even 60)

**Allison: **(you’re my favourite person in the entire fucking world gotta go xxx)

**Dan: **(hit it guuuurl 😉)

\---

**Neil: **I cannot believe

**Matt: **hahaha

**Matt: **are you out already??

**Neil: **I had to

**Matt: **BRO

**Matt: **what did you say

**Neil: **well

**Matt: **come on

**Neil: **the waiter asked if we wanted a dessert menu

**Neil: **and

**Neil: **I said that wasn’t necessary

**Matt: **O_O

**Neil: **and she laughed, like it was a joke, and asked why

**Neil: **and I said because I wasn’t going to call her

**Matt: **NEIL

**Neil: **what?? she was fine

**Neil: **I mean, she was a bit annoyed

**Neil: **the waiter looked a bit weird

**Neil: **I dunno why

**Neil: **anyway she left me with the bill

**Neil: **dates are expensive

**Neil: **and now im tired

**Neil: **…matt

**Matt: **ERROR 404 MATT CANNOT BE FOUND

**Neil: **hey it wasn’t

**Neil: **that bad?

**Matt: **I CANNOT

\---

**Allison: **NEIL

**Neil: **yes

**Allison: **YOU’RE ALIVE

**Neil: **I’m on my way home

**Allison: **us too! What a coincidence!

**Allison: **meet you there hedgehog?

**Neil: **sure

**Renee: **we heard you had a hot date!

**Dan: **or at least a date

**Dan: **hotness level was not submitted beforehand

**Dan: **you’re in trouble

**Neil: **sorry

**Neil: **but if she is hot I didn’t notice

**Dan: **DAAAAAAAAAMN NEIL

**Neil: **what??

**Renee: **I think he’s just being honest :)

**Dan: **I KNOW

**Dan: **THAT’S WHAT MAKES IT SO AWESOME

**Allison: **ah neil

**Allison: **oh well, one more step on the Ladder of Life

**Neil: **?

**Allison: **I don’t know I’ve had a bottle of wine

**Neil: **ok

**Allison: **LIFE IS A LADDER

**Neil: **renee

**Renee: **we’ve got her :)

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Allison: **neil psssssssssst

**Neil: **why are you texting me across the room

**Neil: **I’m not getting you alcohol, renee cut you off

**Allison: **no no

**Allison: **I have a question

**Allison: **about your matt friend

**Neil: **matt

**Neil: **what about him

**Allison: **oh just curious

**Allison: **does he know

**Allison: **beauty

**Allison: **when he sees it?

**Neil: **…what?

**Allison: **does he know

**Allison: **creativity?

**Allison: **when he sees it?

**Allison: **does he know

**Allison: **passion?

**Neil: **um

**Allison: **loyalty?

**Neil: **ali

**Allison: **strength?

**Neil: **has matt not texted dan

**Allison: **DANIELLE IS A GODDESS

**Neil: **I know

**Allison: **If you could pass it along

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **hey

**Neil: **I thought that went against dating law

**Allison: **I’LL RIP HIS THROAT OUT

**Neil: **I’ll pass it along

\---

**Neil: **danielle

**Dan: **hedgehog

**Neil: **if I text matt and do some digging will you kill me with your bare hands

**Dan: **where did you get an idea like that

**Neil: **allison told me once you could kill a man with your bare hands

**Dan: **well it’s true

**Neil: **I did not escape my father to die because of flouting dating regulations

**Dan: **ooook

**Dan: **we’re gonna talk about that some more

**Dan: **but do whatever you like

**Dan: **I’m taken anyway

**Neil: **?

**Dan: **I’m dating mySELF

**Neil: **oh yeah I forgot

**Neil: **sorry

**Neil: **ok will do

**Dan: **love u hedgehog

**Neil: **ok

**Dan: **even tho ur emotionally repressed

**Neil: **hey

\---

**Neil: **hey matt

**Matt: **hey 😊

**Matt: **you ok?

**Neil: **I’m fine

**Matt: **have you heard from she-who-must-not-be-named

**Neil: **who?

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **my date?

**Neil: **no

**Matt: **I am shocked

**Neil: **it wasn’t that bad

**Matt: **so, what have you learned

**Neil: **?

**Matt: **aren’t you on a great experiment

**Neil: **oh, well that’s ali’s thing

**Matt: **yeh but it’s your life

**Neil: **I guess

**Matt: **you *guess*??

**Neil: **I dunno

**Neil: **I just didn’t like her

**Matt: **not attractive?

**Neil: **literally I don’t find anyone attractive

**Neil: **but

**Neil: **that’s not the point

**Neil: **she bugged me

**Matt: **hmm

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **I wanted to ask you something

**Matt: **yes

**Neil: **let me see if I get this right

**Matt: **ok

**Matt: **I’m excited

**Neil: **do you know

**Neil: **beauty

**Neil: **when you see it?

**Matt: **um, I think so?

**Neil: **I’m just passing on a message

**Matt: **ok!

**Matt: **is there more?

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **do you know

**Neil: **creativity

**Matt: **what’s going on

**Neil: **why haven’t you texted Dan

**Matt: **oh

**Neil: **ali’s, um, curious

**Matt: **:/

**Matt: **um

**Matt: **well

**Neil: **what happened to “I might be in love”

**Matt: **I mean

**Matt: **that’s kind of the problem

**Matt: **that, and, um

**Matt: **haha this is super dumb

**Matt: **I don’t need to bother you with this!

**Matt: **let’s talk about your date some more

**Matt: **what about her bugged you

**Neil: **wait

**Neil: **we can talk about you

**Matt: **we don’t have to

**Matt: **I like helping you out man

**Matt: **it’s no big deal 😊

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **it is a big deal

**Neil: **I’m not.

**Neil: **I’m not like that

**Neil: **I’m not sure why you think I am

**Matt: **wait, like what??

**Neil: **I ask about you

**Neil: **right?

**Matt: **oh, of course! I didn’t mean to imply that

**Matt: **you’re great a guy neil, you clearly really care about your friends!

**Matt: **I guess you can be pretty quiet

**Matt: **I feel really lucky you let me in

**Matt: **but I get the impression that’s pretty rare for you

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **I dunno

**Neil: **that’s not the point

**Neil: **I don’t want to just talk about my problems

**Neil: **I never said that’s all I wanted

**Matt: **hey

**Matt: **why are you yellin, I thought we promised no more yellin

**Neil: **I’m not yelling!

**Matt: **>:(

**Neil: **sorry

**Neil: **I’m not

**Neil: **I just wanna know why you didn’t message Dan

**Matt: **it’s gonna sound so dumb

**Neil: **hey

**Neil: **it’s me

**Matt: **…I’m gonna cry

**Neil: **don’t

**Neil: **I just mean, I have no idea what I’m doing

**Neil: **there’s only so dumb it can be

**Matt: **haha yeh

**Matt: **ok

**Matt: **ah well, I dunno, I’m just so – in my head about it

**Matt: **she’s like fucking perfect

**Matt: **so I’m kind of terrified

**Matt: **I haven’t like had that kind of initial chemistry with anyone for a long time

**Matt: **you know when you really just like, feel like you really click with someone??

**Neil: **that sounds, um, yeah

**Neil: **I get it

**Matt: **and on top of that she’s GORGEOUS

**Matt: **but – this is the dumb bit

**Matt: **please don’t judge me

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **and don’t tell anyone

**Neil: **I won’t

**Matt: **like

**Matt: **she’s a girl

**Neil: **yeh?

**Matt: **I dunno neil I only realised I was bi a few years ago

**Matt: **I’ve dated a lot of girls, but I’ve only had sex with two guys, and neither of them were serious

**Matt: **and I guess it feels

**Matt: **oh this sounds so stupid

**Neil: **it doesn’t, just because, I mean, I have no idea

**Neil: **but if this is how you feel how can it be stupid?

**Matt: **oh man neil you are so fucking nice

**Neil: **I am??

**Matt: **but it sounds stupid when I say it out loud

**Neil: **we’re texting

**Matt: **you know what I mean!

**Neil: **I do, sorry, go on

**Matt: **I guess it felt like I might be missing something else

**Matt: **like, you know, you grow up thinking you have to be one thing

**Matt: **you know

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **like – we’re guys, so we don’t cry, and we’re attracted to girls, and we’re obsessed with sex

**Neil: **yes

**Matt: **and, I’m a crier neil!

**Neil: **are you?

**Matt: **and so are you!

**Neil: **no I’m not

**Matt: **and society can go fuck itself

**Neil: **I agree with you there

**Matt: **so, I don’t know, what to do

**Matt: **or whether this matters

**Neil: **I’m not sure I can help

**Neil: **but um

**Matt: **yeh??

**Neil: **I think finding someone you uh

**Neil: **really connect with is

**Neil: **really rare

**Neil: **or it is for me anyway

**Neil: **and, I dunno

**Neil: **you’re bi

**Neil: **so I thought that meant gender sex whatever didn’t matter?

**Neil: **so, maybe you’re just really overthinking this whole thing

**Neil: **maybe

**Matt: **ohmygod

**Matt: **that’s, why didn’t I think of it like that

**Matt: **that’s a good point

**Neil: **yeh?

**Matt: **I love you so much

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **I’m so glad you’re in my life

**Neil: **rly?

**Matt: **yeh! You’re a good friend, and you’re a really good listener

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **RIGHT

**Matt: **I’ll message her. I’ll do it now!

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **you alright?

**Neil: **I’m fine

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **good luck

**Matt: **THANKS

\---

**Neil: **hey so

**Neil: **I went on a date

**Neil: **with a girl?

**Neil: **sorry, nsfw

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **it was pretty boring

**Neil: **but at least I tried right?

**Neil: **allison says life is a ladder

**Neil: **um, anyway, that’s not what I meant to say

**Neil: **I want to know how your date went

**Neil: **do you date a lot?

**Neil: **I guess I thought you hated tinder

**Neil: **you said your cousin signed you up

**Neil: **but I dunno

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **I wanna hear about it

**Neil: **and um, I dunno

**Neil: **I wanna hear all about you

**Neil: **uh yeah

**Neil: **anyway

\---

**Neil: **wanna hear a joke?

**Andrew: **i don't know neil, do i dare

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all your comments give me life i read them over and over and they make me laugh so much. i'm so pleased people are enjoying this :D xxx


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its-a me mario  
sorry for the slightly longer than usual break, it's been *a week*, but hello i did it you're welcome! i love you all, did i mention that?

**Neil: **hey

**Neil:** :)

**Andrew: **where’s my joke

**Andrew: **have I been lured under false pretences

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **knock knock

**Andrew: **who’s there

**Neil: **neil

**Andrew: **…

**Andrew: **neil who

**Neil: **hey it’s me

**Neil: **I can’t believe you’ve forgotten me already

**Andrew: **…

**Neil: **hi

**Andrew: **I could be asleep right now

**Andrew: **for this, I have risen

**Neil: **my message woke you up?

**Andrew: **was awake already

**Neil: **why?

**Andrew: **anyway

**Andrew: **why are you awake

**Neil: **I have a test this week

**Neil: **I can’t sleep

**Neil: **I’m pretty sure I’m gonna fail

**Andrew: **is that because you have never once read a math

**Neil: **I study

**Andrew: **when

**Neil: **like an hour ago

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **and tomorrow

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **how’s it going

**Andrew: **if you’re gonna be boring I’m going back to sleep

**Neil: **you said you were already awake

**Andrew: **what’s 12 + 10

**Neil: **…22

**Andrew: **great

**Andrew: **nailing it

**Neil: **it’s not that sort of test

**Andrew: **how hard can math be

**Andrew: **what’s the test on

**Neil: **how was your date?

**Andrew: **shut up

**Andrew: **I will look up hard math

**Neil: **you don’t scare me

**Neil: **…andrew?

\---

**Andrew: **In this question, X and Y are path-connected, locally simply connected spaces

**Neil: **??

**Andrew: ** _Andrew is typing…_

**Neil: **shit

**Neil: **wait

**Neil: **let me get my pencil

\---

**Allison: **do you still want a ride to campus?

**Allison: **neil

**Allison: **hedgehog

**Allison: **don’t you have a study session

**Allison: **I have knocked on your door twice don’t make me come in there

**Allison: **why am I awake if you are not

**Allison: **what is the purpose to this early existence

**Allison: **I’m eating your porridge

**Allison: **goodbye porridge

**Allison: **mm yummy

**Neil: **shit shit shit 2 minutes

**Allison: **oh hello

\---

**Neil: **have you seen my red textbook

**Allison: **uh huh

**Allison: **[image attached]

**Neil: **shit

**Allison: **want me to drive back with it

**Neil: **please

**Allison: **what will you give me for it

**Neil: **favors

**Allison: **good enough

\---

**Neil: **andrew

**Andrew: **shouldn’t you be studying

**Neil: **I am, I’m with my group right now

**Neil: **but wait

**Neil: **listen

**Neil: **why shouldn’t you bring alcohol to a math party

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **because

**Neil: **…

**Neil: **you shouldn’t drink and derive

**Andrew: **ten years you have taken off my life, ten

**Neil: **:)

\---

**Neil: **[image attached]

**Andrew: **that does not look like math

**Neil: **what do you think

**Andrew: **of your future as a mathematician?

**Andrew: **poor

**Andrew: **of your future as an artist?

**Andrew: **dire

**Neil: **hey

**Neil: **I think it’s pretty good

**Andrew: **they’re fox paws, neil

**Neil: **so you know what they are

**Neil: **I am so good at drawing

**Andrew: **read your fucking textbook

**Neil: **yep

\---

**Dan: **neil!!

**Neil: **hi??

**Dan: **I mean

**Dan: **not that I care

**Dan: **but I just thought I’d let you know

**Dan: **The Hunk Has Landed

**Neil: **ah yes

**Neil: **I sort of knew that

**Neil: **assuming you mean he texted you

**Neil: **I don’t really want to know if you mean something else

**Dan: **;)

\--- 

**Matt: **I TEXTED HER

**Neil: **I’m aware

**Matt: **she told you??

**Neil: **yep

**Matt: **ok

**Matt: **what exactly did she say

**Matt: **if you don’t mind

**Neil: **matt I have a huge test this week, I’m trying to study

**Matt: **yeh yeh I hear you

**Matt: **ok like briefly

**Matt: **exact words if you can

**Neil: **you texted her, what did she say to you?

**Matt: **I asked if she wanted to hang sometime

**Matt: **and she said

**Matt: **“sure”

**Matt: 😍 **!!!!!!!!

**Neil: **that’s great matt

**Matt: **ok your turn

**Neil: **then will you let me study

**Matt: **maybe

**Matt: **joking! of course I will!

**Matt: **what did she say to you

**Matt: **exactly

**Neil: **“The Hunk Has Landed”

**Matt: **:O

\---

**Neil: **so matt and dan are finally going on a date

**Andrew: **have you done lots of math

**Neil: **yes, _mom_

**Andrew: **show me

**Neil: **wait

**Neil: **[image attached]

**Andrew: **that sure looks dull

**Andrew:** are those more fox paws

**Neil:** no

**Andrew: **what are you doing now

**Neil: **waiting for bus

**Andrew: **thrilling

**Andrew: **ok tell me your little story

**Neil: **it’s not my story

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **idk there’s nothing to tell

**Andrew: **boring

\---

**Neil: **what are you guys doing for your date?

**Matt: **well

**Matt: **oh SHIT

**Neil: **what

**Matt: **I HAVE NO IDEA

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **I just ASKED

**Neil: **that’s probably fine

**Matt: **I am UNWORTHY

**Neil: **um

**Matt: **I just said like “do you wanna hang some time” and she said “sure” and I’ve been so excited I haven’t planned anything

**Matt: **shitshitshit

**Matt: **help??

**Neil: **with what

**Matt: **NEIL

\---

**Neil: **I think matt wants me to help plan his date

**Andrew: **ho ho

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **I was laughing

**Andrew: **that is a good joke

**Neil: **rude

**Andrew: **you have been on two dates neil

**Andrew: **I mean, presumably

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **yes I’ve only been on two dates

**Neil: **no other dates

**Neil: **two

**Neil: **yeh, the ones I’ve told you about

**Andrew: **great

**Andrew: **and they were disasters?

**Neil: **and they were disasters

**Neil: **I hate everyone remember

**Andrew: **right

**Andrew: **and Boyd was there for one of them

**Andrew: **he should know better

**Andrew: **I’m starting to think less of this man

**Neil: **want to help plan his date?

**Andrew: **why would I want that

\---

**Andrew: ** _Andrew is typing…_

\---

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **yes??

**Neil: **um I have some ideas

**Matt: **HIT ME

**Neil: **you could take her on a hot air balloon ride

**Neil: **at sunset

**Neil: **with a bottle of champagne

**Neil: **and a boombox playing celine dion

**Matt: **…

**Neil: **um it could be really romantic

**Matt: **hmm

**Matt: **that’s a really interesting idea neil thank you

\---

**Neil: **[screenshot attached]

**Neil: **why do I talk to you

**Andrew: **sparkling wit

**Andrew: **imagination

**Andrew: **smiles

**Andrew: **:)

**Neil: **stop

**Andrew: **never

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **you forgot the top hats

**Andrew: **I cannot trust you to do anything right

**Neil: **do you think that would have persuaded him

**Andrew: **I don’t think you’re in a position to judge what would work in this context

**Neil: **have you ever worn a top hat on a date?

**Andrew: **who knows neil

**Andrew: **I am an enigma

**Neil: **interesting

\---

**Allison: **bring me popcorn

**Neil: **ok

**Allison: **I demand movies

**Allison: **and good company

**Allison: **shall I invite the laaadies

**Allison: **…neil?

**Neil: **sorry yeah go for it I’m happy with whatever

**Allison: **you’re… happy? with?? whatever???

**Allison:** wtf is happening

\---

**Neil: **no, I really don’t

**Andrew: **I don’t believe you

**Neil: **I don’t have any hats

**Andrew: **what do you do when it’s cold

**Neil: **I don’t get that cold

**Andrew: **this is a safe space

**Andrew: **you can be honest

**Andrew: **do you own a beanie

**Neil: **no

**Andrew: **hmm

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **you should try it

**Neil: **try what

**Andrew: **I’m not going to repeat myself

**Neil: **try a beanie

**Andrew: **anyway

**Neil: **on my head

**Andrew: **where else

**Neil: **why?

**Andrew: **I need to go find my top hat

**Neil: **you don’t own a top hat

**Neil: **do you think I’d look good in a beanie?

**Andrew: **how would I know

**Neil: **hey

**Neil: **you think I would look good in a beanie

**Andrew: **I’ve never seen you

**Neil: **the photo on my bio

**Neil: **I have caught you

**Andrew: **doing what

**Andrew: **why did you only upload one photo anyway

**Neil: **I don’t get a minute to enjoy this?

**Andrew: **no

\---

**Allison: **babes

**Allison: **can you see neil’s phone

**Renee:** why?

**Dan: **no

**Dan: **why what are we doing

**Dan: **I love it already

**Renee:** no, I can’t

**Renee:** he is texting a lot isn’t he

**Renee:** I will ask

**Allison:** why would you just ask when we could sneak??

\---

**Renee:** al would like to know what you are doing on your phone

**Neil:** tell her I’m writing grocery lists

**Renee:** ha ha, neil

**Renee:** ok

\---

**Renee: **he said he’s writing grocery lists

**Dan: **OMG

**Allison: **EXCUSE ME

**Dan: **hedgehog is funny

**Dan: **who knew

**Allison: **RIGHT

\---

**Allison: **WHO ARE YOU TEXTING

**Neil: **wait a sec

**Allison: **how dare you

\---

**Neil: **al wants to know what I’m doing on my phone

**Andrew: **so tell her

**Neil: **I haven’t um really told her about you

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **tell her you’re doing math

**Neil: **on my phone

**Andrew: **I’ve heard math is universal

**Neil: **hahaha

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Allison: **WELL?

**Neil: **math

**Allison: **wait

**Allison: **what??

**Allison: **you’re texting _math ???_

**Allison: **that doesn’t even

**Allison: **I cannot

**Allison: **babe

**Allison**: I actually can’t

**Allison: **I need a warm bath

\---

**Andrew: **answer my question

**Neil: **you’re just grumpy because you’ve been caught

**Neil: **and I dunno

**Neil: **it was the only photo on my phone

**Neil: **al said I had to learn to take photos, so she made me take that one of myself

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **you’re no better you know

**Neil: **what’s this one of the blurry side of your face and cigarette smoke and, a skatepark?

**Andrew: **I’m an enigma

**Neil: **sure

**Neil: **hey you’re almost smiling in this one

**Andrew: **how dare you

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **anyway

**Neil: **shh

**Neil: **I’m busy

**Andrew: **doing what

**Neil: **wait

**Neil: **there’s two of you in this one

**Andrew: **oh no

**Andrew: **are you having a stroke

**Andrew: **how many fingers am I holding up

**Neil: **stop

**Neil: **you have a twin?

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **you never said

**Andrew: **I said I had a brother

**Neil: **you conveniently left out the fact he looks almost exactly like you

**Andrew: **irrelevant information

**Andrew: **almost

**Neil: **well yeh

**Neil: **he looks angry

**Andrew: **?

**Neil: **you said you don’t get angry

**Neil: **I assume showing any kind of emotion would be beneath you

**Andrew: **you know what happens when you assume

**Neil: **you kick my ass?

**Andrew: **I would not stoop to such levels

**Neil: **you would not have to stoop

**Neil: **I’m taller than you

**Andrew: **how can you tell

**Neil: **you’ve written it in your bio

**Neil: **I’m three inches taller

**Andrew: **huh

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **so neil

**Andrew: **if you’re done invading my privacy

**Neil: **these are the photos *you* chose

**Neil: **aw whose cat is this??

**Andrew: **have you really not looked through these before

**Neil: **why would I have done

**Andrew: **this is a dating app

**Andrew: **how someone looks is the whole point

**Neil: **oh

**Andrew: **to some people

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **well

**Andrew: **never mind

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **yes

**Andrew: **what is green and has wheels

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **hmm

**Neil: **dunno

**Andrew: **grass

**Neil: **!

**Neil: **grass does not have wheels??

**Andrew: **the wheels bit was to throw you off

**Neil: **you lied to me

**Andrew: **it’s a fucking joke

**Neil: **betrayed

**Neil: **ridiculed

**Neil: **I thought you didn’t lie

**Andrew: **when did I say that

**Neil: **andrew “I hate liars”…whatever your surname is

**Andrew: **I don’t lie

**Andrew: **you wanted a joke

**Neil: **I literally didn’t

**Neil: **you started this

**Andrew: **and I can end it

**Neil: **:(

**Andrew: **stop

\---

**Andrew: **what is happening in front of your face

**Neil: **do you mean what am I doing

**Andrew: **that’s what I said

**Neil: **movie night

**Andrew: **I thought you had a test

**Neil: **I’m taking a break

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **what are you doing

**Andrew: **you mean what is happening in front of my face

**Neil: **sure that’s what I said

**Andrew: **very little

**Andrew: **I’m home

**Neil: **alone?

**Andrew: **yup

**Neil: **cool

\---

**Neil: **what do you like doing

**Andrew: **define your terms

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **ok what do you choose to do when you’re alone

**Andrew: **study, smoke

**Andrew: **books

**Neil: **you read?

**Andrew: **yes

**Andrew: **I did suspect you could not

**Neil: **what books do you like reading

**Andrew: **anything

**Andrew: **there’s a library on my way home from campus

**Neil: **you read anything?

**Andrew: **yep

**Neil: **cool

**Neil: **I don’t really

**Neil: **read, I mean

**Neil: **I can though

**Andrew: **I believe you

**Neil: **maybe you can recommend something to me sometime

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Neil: **ok I got one

**Andrew: **joy

**Andrew: **do I need to prepare, mentally, as it were

**Andrew: **I usually do

**Neil: **listen

**Neil: **a man runs into a supermarket

**Andrew: **yeh

**Neil: **apologises, and steps carefully to the side

**Andrew: **right

**Neil: **…that’s it

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **it’s like one of yours

**Andrew: **no, it’s not

**Neil: **:(:(:(

**Andrew: **stop that

\---

**Neil: **movie was boring

**Andrew: **what was it

**Neil: **I didn’t even ask

**Neil: **it had sharks in it

**Neil: **they were in the sky a lot of the time

**Andrew: **you do movies wrong

**Neil: **mostly I just looked at my phone

**Neil: **and talked to you

**Andrew: **like I said

**Neil: **I dunno I think I prefer my way

**Andrew: **you are

**Andrew: **intolerable

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **sure

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **I’m going to bed

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Andrew: **you awake

**Neil: **no

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **talk to me anyway

**Andrew: **needy

**Neil: **I’m up

**Andrew: **in bed?

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **you?

**Andrew: **yeh

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **what’s up?

**Andrew: **earlier, I said something

**Andrew: **I want to clarify

**Andrew: **it’s ok to use dating apps however you like

**Andrew: **I did not mean to imply there was only one right way

**Andrew: **most people are incredibly shallow

**Andrew: **it is ok to be different

**Neil: **oh, well

**Neil: **but – yeah, thanks

**Neil: **I don’t really know, is the problem

**Andrew: **I know

\---

**Neil: **you awake

**Andrew: **yeh

**Neil: **you never answered my question

**Andrew: **you ask too many questions

**Neil: **I really don’t

**Andrew: **I’m seeing the guy again this weekend

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **ok, yeh

**Neil: **cool

**Andrew: **he is extremely boring

**Neil: **yeh?

**Andrew: **all he talks about is exy

**Neil: **really

**Neil: **how did you manage that

**Andrew: **I am incredibly unlucky

**Andrew: **it follows me everywhere

**Andrew: **it brought me to you, apparently

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **ok so why are you seeing him again

**Andrew: **boredom

**Neil: **I don’t really get it

**Neil: **if he’s boring what do you get out of it

**Andrew: **what do you think, neil

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **shit

**Neil: **sorry

**Neil: **of course

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **yeh cool

**Andrew: **are you ok

**Neil: **yep

**Neil: **yeh that makes sense

**Neil: **that’s what everyone else wants

**Neil: **I get it

**Andrew: **right

\---

**Neil: **sorry, you’re probably asleep

**Neil: **I can’t

**Neil: **I was thinking

**Neil: **you know, I can

**Neil: **I think I should probably just

**Neil: **I could leave you alone, if you want

**Neil: **you came here for something I don’t know if I can do

**Neil: **and, that’s cool, really

**Neil: **if you want me to fuck off

**Neil: **I’ll do whatever you want

**Andrew: **neil

**Andrew: **I never do anything I don’t want to do

**Andrew: **and you’re going to make yourself sick with all that thinking

**Neil: **I can’t sleep anyway

**Neil: **I dunno

**Neil: **I like talking to you

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **then we don’t have a problem

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Andrew: **when you said earlier

**Andrew: **the question

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **I know that’s not the question you meant

**Neil: **no

**Andrew: **so, let me just

**Andrew: **this isn’t one-sided

**Andrew: **I won’t just take something from you

**Andrew: **if you don’t know what you want

**Andrew: **I won’t ask anything of you until you can give me a yes I can believe

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **I don’t, uh, oh right

**Neil: **right

**Neil: **so

**Neil: **you do like me

**Neil: **but you won’t ask me out?

**Neil: **…andrew?

\---

**Andrew: **yes

\---

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: ** _Neil is typing…_

\---

**Neil: **ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ^^ dummies xxx


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> :D i love ya xxx

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **don’t

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **nothing has changed

**Andrew: **don’t pretend it has

**Neil: **yeh no I wasn’t um going to

**Neil: **yeh ok

**Andrew: **ok

\---

**Andrew: **goodnight neil

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **yeh ok

**Neil: **goodnight andrew

\---

**Allison: **babe can I take your clothes out the dryer

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **I mean sorry

**Neil: **I forgot

**Allison: **clearly

**Allison: **you home?

**Neil: **in bed

**Neil: **with a textbook

**Allison: **saucy

**Neil: **very

\---

**Neil: **hey

**Matt: **hey!

**Matt: **how’s it going?

**Neil: **yeh fine

**Matt: **great!

**Neil: **how are you

**Matt: **can’t complain my man

**Matt: **😊

**Neil: **cool

\---

**Matt: **was there anything else?

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **sorry

**Matt: **ok cool 😊

\---

**Neil: **hey

**Matt: **hey!

**Neil: **so

**Matt: **yeh……….???

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **I did that math test

**Matt: **ah great, yeah I knew that was last week

**Matt: **how did it go?

**Neil: **yeah ok I think

**Neil: **math is easy

**Matt: **haha

**Matt: **if you say so, I dunno

**Matt: **it looks hard

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **can I ask you something

**Matt: **yeh?

**Matt: **always!

**Matt: **what’s on your mind?

**Neil: **cool

**Neil: **yeh

\---

**Matt: **???

**Matt: **where’dya go

\---

**Neil: **oh sorry

**Neil: **allison needed me

**Neil: **clothes emergency

**Neil: **talk later yeh

**Matt: **um… ok??

**Matt: **gonna hold you to that though

**Matt: **Neil?

**Matt: **>:/

\---

**Dan: **ladies

**Dan: **the big D lands this weekend

**Allison: **Oh REaLlYlyLYLylLYLylY

**Renee: **I’m right here

**Allison: **I can’t even *talk* dick?

**Dan: **constitutional rights!

**Renee: **talk away

**Dan: **THANK YOU

**Dan: **so he’s taking me out

**Dan: **I don’t know where

**Dan: **I am viewing this as an experiment

**Allison: **yeh yeh

**Allison: **great!

**Allison: **in what

**Dan: **you know

**Dan: **dating people who are not myself

**Allison: **fantastic

**Renee: **you should ask neil for advice

**Dan: **SNORT

**Dan: **that’s different

**Renee: **how?

**Dan: **he’s a hedgehog trying to work out when he wants to come out of his small spiky curly ball of sadness

**Dan: **I’m basically wonder woman trying to decide whether to reward men with my existence

**Allison: **10 out of 10 correct facts

**Renee: **I don’t think neil’s sad

**Allison: **um babe have you seen him recently

**Allison: **he always looks contemplative

**Allison: **or is entirely engrossed in his phone and won’t tell me why

**Allison: **or like is avoiding his phone entirely?

**Allison: **or starts sentences and doesn’t finish them

**Allison: **honestly it’s a little weird

**Dan: **very hedgehoggy

**Renee: **hmm

**Dan: **anyway on with the D

**Renee: **oh yes sorry

**Renee: **dick away

**Dan: **you are such a good friend

**Renee: **:)

\---

**Neil: **watcha doing

**Andrew: **see right there

**Neil: **what?

**Andrew: **weird

**Neil: **that wasn’t being weird!

**Andrew: **you have never once used the word ‘watcha’

**Andrew: **it isn’t even a word

**Neil: **you don’t know me

**Andrew: **clearly

**Neil: **alright fine

\---

**Neil: **hello, homeboy, what is up

**Andrew: **for what am I being punished lord

**Neil: **depends, what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done

**Andrew: **I’m not sure that’s really what you want to ask

**Neil: **you’re right it’s not

**Andrew: **I scare them away neil

**Andrew: **this is who I am

**Neil: **no, but then I’d have to tell you what mine is

**Andrew: **would you?

**Andrew: **interesting

**Neil: **wait that wasn’t an invitation

**Andrew: **ok

\---

**Andrew: **do you want to play a game

**Neil: **maybe

**Neil: **am I allowed to use whatever words I want

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **what’s the game

**Andrew: **tell me something real

**Neil: **truth?

**Andrew: **sure

**Neil: **and then you tell me something?

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **like what?

**Andrew: **anything

**Neil: **hmm

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **are you gonna be mean about it

**Andrew: **almost certainly

**Andrew: **is that ok

**Neil: **I’d expect nothing less

\---

**Andrew: **well?

**Andrew: **where’s my truth

**Andrew: **gimme

**Neil: **I have no idea what to say

**Neil: **I’m not very interesting honestly

**Andrew: **I don’t think that’s true

**Neil: **I’m not really used to talking about myself

**Andrew: **I would never have guessed

**Neil: **is this you being mean

**Andrew: **I’m just warming you up

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Neil: **I don’t know what kind of thing you want but

**Neil: **you probably already know this really.

**Neil: **ali is my only friend

**Andrew: **yeh

**Neil: **I mean, was my only friend

**Neil: **I have some friends now

**Neil: **but they’re all because of her

**Andrew: **really

**Neil: **well you know she made me sign up to this dating app

**Andrew: **that wasn’t the clarification I was looking for, I knew that

**Neil: **sorry

**Andrew: **good lord

**Neil: **right

**Neil: **I mean, you know, so I met um you

**Neil: **and then matt

**Neil: **through this

**Neil: **and her girlfriend and best friend are kinda my friends now

**Neil: **I met ali my second year of college and before then it was just me

**Andrew: **just you

**Neil: **yeh um

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil:** your turn

**Andrew: **I don’t have any friends

**Neil: **why not?

**Andrew: **waste of time

**Neil: **hmm

**Neil: **you have your brother and cousin though

**Andrew: **family

**Neil: **right

**Neil: **and date guy?

**Andrew: **convenient

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **and me?

**Andrew: **excuse me

**Andrew: **it’s your turn

**Neil: **that’s all I get??

**Andrew: **life’s tough neil

\---

**Dan: **hedgehog can I ask your advice

**Neil: **danielle

**Neil: **ask away

**Dan: **I’m dating your leftovers tonight

**Neil: **god

**Dan: **any words of advice?

**Dan: **like if for example you could tell me exactly how resistable you were that’d be great, so I can just do the opposite

**Neil: **fuck off

**Dan: **just to clarify you didn’t actually See Dick did you?

**Neil: **I’m going now

\---

**Matt: **NEIL

**Neil: **hi

**Matt: **I’m seeing Dan tonight

**Neil: **yeh I know

**Neil: **it’ll be great

**Matt: **I KNOW

**Matt: **I’m so hyped man

**Matt: **she’s gorgeous

**Neil: **good luck

**Matt: **thanks!

**Matt: **any words of advice?

\---

**Neil: **for fuck’s sake

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **dan and matt are going out tonight on their date

**Neil: **and both want my advice

**Andrew: **ha

**Andrew: **you

**Neil: **I know, I agree

**Neil: **why

**Neil: **shouldn’t my complete inability to handle my own life at least get me out of having to handle other people’s

**Andrew: **life just isn’t fair

**Neil: **I know you’re mocking me, but it’s true

**Andrew: **tell them that

**Neil: **that life isn’t fair or that you’re mocking me

**Andrew: **that you’re incapable, of just about everything, and then ask some completely neil question that will distract their attention

**Neil: **they already know I’m incapable

**Andrew: **that doesn’t surprise me

**Neil: **and anyway

**Neil: **I’m trying, you know

**Andrew: **trying what

**Neil: **to be less

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Neil: **I don’t want my friends to think I’m using them for advice about my problems

**Neil: **that’s not all I’m here for

**Andrew: **right

\---

**Neil: **um just be yourself matt

**Neil: **you’re great, honestly

**Neil: **and she’s already met you so

**Neil: **uh

**Neil: **be cool? yeh?

**Matt: **god you are so nice

**Matt: **I wish there was time to come over for a big NEIL HUG before I had to pick her up

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **uh

**Neil: **I’ll owe you?

**Matt: **damn right!

**Matt: **:D

**Neil: **:)

\---

**Allison: **danny dandan do you need a pep talk

**Renee: **ooh are you leaving soon

**Dan: **any second!

**Dan: **I am applying lipstick

**Allison: ***and* typing??

**Neil: **girls are insane

**Dan: **thank you neil yes we’re quite spectacular

**Dan: **you still owe me a pep talk btw

**Allison: **lmao

**Renee: **:)

**Neil: **excuse me

**Dan: **don’t mind them they’re just laughing at you

**Neil: **I’m aware

**Neil: **look just

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **aren’t dates kinda bullshit?

**Neil: **can’t you just be yourself and if he doesn’t like that he’s a moron?

**Dan: **i

**Allison: **you know

**Renee: **:)

**Dan: **yeah

**Allison: **actually that’s

**Allison: **exactly right

**Dan: **huh

**Renee: **what a nice thing to say neil

**Neil: **was it?

**Dan: **neil I think I might be a little bit in love with you

**Neil: **um

**Allison: **DON’T SCARE HIM AWAY DANIELLE

**Dan: **only hedgehog calls me danielle

**Neil: **haha yeh, damn right

\---

**Neil: **what you doing tonight

**Andrew: **it’s Saturday

**Neil: **yeh?

**Andrew: **…

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **shit

**Neil: **I mean yeh

**Neil: **your date right

**Neil: **with date guy

**Neil: **I forgot

**Andrew: **thrilling conversation as always

**Neil: **hey, I hope it goes ok

**Neil: **do you want a pep talk? :)

**Andrew: **why would I want that

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **everyone is going on a date tonight, I’ve already given two date night pep talks

**Neil: **is this what normal people do on a Saturday?

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **well

**Andrew: **what are you doing tonight

**Neil: **you mean what will happen in front of my face

**Andrew: **don’t be cute

**Neil: **as if I could

**Andrew: **shut up

**Neil: **allison is going out with renee, so

**Neil: **I think I’ll watch tv or something

**Andrew: **hmm

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **nothing

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **well now I want a pep talk

**Andrew: **mostly, you understand, because I am intrigued to see what nonsense comes out of your mouth

**Neil: **hah

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **ok wait I’ll write a list…

**Andrew: **I cannot wait

**Neil: ** _Neil is typing…_

\---

**Andrew: **drat I cannot find my top hat

**Andrew: **however will I pull now

\---

**Andrew: **maybe tonight you can buy me a replacement top hat

**Andrew: **do some online shopping with your little Saturday evening

**Andrew: **since you made me mislay mine

**Andrew: **as a sort of thank you for listening to your mundane conversation

**Andrew: **an apology, if you will, for existing

\---

**Andrew: **you’re very boring when you’re trying hard you know

**Andrew: **don’t you miss the good old days

**Andrew: **when neither of us were trying at all

\---

**Neil: **a pep talk, for one andrew whatever your surname is. I don’t really know what a pep talk is but I googled it and it said I’m supposed to make you feel courageous or enthusiastic, so. No.1: exy. Ok so you don’t like talking about exy and I know we pretend you don’t like exy but look we both know you do and I think I’ve done EXCRUTIATINGLY WELL not to bring that up at all so let me have this. Just let him talk about exy for a bit. Maybe he’ll be um. More enthusiastic afterwards. I like talking about exy. There’s something very relaxing about it. Like I can just kindof retreat, you know, into this space where like, you don’t have to care or worry what anyone thinks of you, or whether you’re saying any of the right things. Exy isn’t judgemental. That might help? Anyway. No.2: date guy. Ask him about himself. You’re good at that. Let him talk, because I think you prefer to listen. Don’t test him, you don’t need to do that. But see what he talks about when given the chance. Maybe he’ll be less boring than you think. Ask him how he feels about his family. No.3: truths. Andrew do not tell him the worst thing you’ve ever done. I still want to know. Save it for me. Date guy might be put off though. Tell him you like top hats, and sunsets. Tell him your favourite jokes aren’t funny at all, and that your favourite bit about a joke is the bit where the other person doesn’t laugh and you get to explain it. Tell him your favourite films are ones that make you kind of sad and you like to pretend you don’t know why. Tell him you like stories about fast cars, and friends who pretend they’re family, and people who find it hard to talk to each other. I don’t know. Tell him those things. No.4: don’t let him be as interesting as me. haha. sorry.

\---

**Neil: **andrew?

\---

**Andrew: **fuck

**Neil**: what??

**Andrew: **do you have any idea

**Neil: **…

**Andrew: **I have to go

**Andrew: **I have to leave my house now

**Neil: **ok… sorry was that not a good pep talk

**Andrew: **you are just

**Andrew: **I cannot

**Andrew: **I have to go

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **have a nice evening

**Andrew: **find me a top hat

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **I’ll pick out some good ones

**Andrew: **see that you do

**Neil: **ok andrew

**Andrew: **right

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **bye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> neil. HUN.  
xxxxxxxx


	11. Chapter 11

**Matt: **omg

**Neil: **yeh?

**Matt: **omg neil

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **did it go well matt

**Matt: **I’m coming round

**Neil: **now??

**Matt: **I have to

**Matt: **you don’t understand

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **ARE YOU SURE

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **sure

**Neil: **it’s midnight

**Matt: **this absolutely cannot wait

**Matt: **if it could, I would

**Neil: **and we can’t just talk here

**Matt: **why talk by text when you could in person??

**Neil: **uh

**Neil: **loads of reasons

**Neil: **but I’m getting up

**Matt: **oh man you were in bed

**Neil: **matt it’s like gone midnight

**Matt: **we’re young! Vital! It’s a Saturday!

**Matt: **what have you been up to

**Neil: **nothing really

**Neil: **watched some tv

**Matt: **great!

**Matt: **ok how about tomorrow

**Neil: **I thought it couldn’t wait

**Matt: **compromise, I will TELL YOU EVERYTHING here

**Neil: **yeah

**Matt: **and then tell you everything again in person tomorrow??

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **sounds good

**Matt: **ok get back into bed

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **are you comfy

**Neil: **yes

**Matt: **look I just want to tell you something

**Neil: **I can guess

**Matt: **she’s fucking perfect man

**Neil: **:)

\---

**Allison: **well?? Are we getting DEETS

**Renee: **(I’m home!)

**Allison: **(as pleased as I am for your safety babe tonight there are priorities)

**Renee: **(my apologies for putting knowledge of my safety above The Dick)

**Allison: **(apology accepted)

**Allison: **(I love you shutup)

**Renee: **( :) )

**Dan: **if you guys are done

**Allison: **!!!

**Allison: **dan, light of my life

**Allison: **did you get some??

**Renee: **how did it go? :)

**Dan: **well

**Dan: **here are the results

**Dan: **firstly, he’s cute

**Renee: **correct

**Dan: **secondly, he is Hunk

**Allison: **can confirm

**Dan: **thirdly he is actually super funny? Like, not in a way I usually like to be honest, he’s a bit too kind. But. Well. It’s quite sweet actually.

**Allison: **omg who are you

**Renee: **this is very exciting danielle

**Dan: **fourthly I want to ride him til there’s so much sweat in our eyes we both go blind

**Allison: **OMG DAN

**Renee: **how sweet

**Neil: **did this have to include me

\---

**Matt: **thanks for hanging out with me today buddy :)

**Neil: **you don’t have to thank me matt

**Neil: **thanks for coming over

**Matt: **you seemed a bit quiet?

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **no

**Matt: **well, maybe I misread

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **but thanks for listening, you’re a great guy neil, letting me ramble about your hot friend

**Neil: **it’s what I’m here for

**Matt: **haha

\---

**Neil: **how was your weekend?

**Andrew: **how dull

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **how many nipples does a possum have

**Andrew: **is this going to be a joke

**Neil: **i guess it depends on your outlook

**Andrew: **what?

**Neil: **answer the question

**Andrew: **I don’t know how many nipples a possum has

**Andrew: **why on earth would I know that

**Neil: **they have 13!

**Neil: **13, andrew

**Neil: **why

**Andrew: **I can see you’ve had a very productive couple of days

**Neil: **it’s weird, why the odd number

**Andrew: **this is a strange conversation

**Neil: **and you know where the odd-one-out nipple goes?

**Andrew: **I am screenshotting, printing, and framing you talking to me about odd-one-out nipples

**Neil: **IN THE MIDDLE

**Neil: **nature is full of circles, you know

**Neil: **math rules

**Andrew: **I think I preferred it when you were being dull

**Neil: **so then tell me how your weekend was

**Andrew: **my weekend was dull

**Neil: **great

**Andrew: **see how much better we both do when no nipples are involved

**Neil: **dunno seems dull to me

**Andrew: **what is wrong with you

**Neil: **:)

\---

**Neil: **are you not going to tell me how your date went

**Andrew: **you haven’t asked

**Neil: **I asked how your weekend was

**Andrew: **and I answered

**Neil: **so your date was dull

**Andrew: **did I say that

**Neil: **god

**Neil: **difficult

**Neil: **fine

**Neil: **keep your secrets, asshole

**Andrew: **you can ask

**Neil: **maybe I don’t want to now

**Andrew: **and he calls me difficult

\---

**Neil: **hey matt

**Matt: **hey buddy 😊 how’s your week going

**Neil: **yeh ok

**Matt: **!!! ok?

**Matt: **anything I can do to make it more like a really great??

**Neil: **um I just wanted to talk to you

**Neil: **if that’s ok

**Matt: **of course!

**Matt: **I kinda wondered if there was something last week, you said you wanted to ask me something?

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **ok! want me to come round?

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **no, it’s ok

**Neil: **allison and renee are here

**Matt: **ok

**Matt: **is this not an allison and renee friendly topic?

**Neil: **well, it’s not that

**Neil: **I just

**Neil: **it’s nothing really

**Matt: **ah crap I’m scaring you off

**Matt: **pretend I said nothing

**Matt: **no expectations, no judgements, what’s on your mind

**Matt: 👀**

**Neil: **right

**Neil: **there’s a thing

**Neil: **that I’m not sure what to do with

**Matt: **ok, tell me more

**Neil: **and I need to work out what I want to do with it

**Matt: **right

**Neil: **um

**Matt: **this might be kind of hard without any words

**Neil: **fuck

**Matt: **oh, sorry

**Matt: **your way is fine!

**Matt: **I love you

**Neil: **stop it

**Neil: **I’m just thinking

**Matt: **ok think away

**Matt: **I’m here :)

\---

**Neil: **so, there’s this guy

**Matt: **oh

**Matt: **a guy

**Matt: **neil

**Matt: **I see

**Matt: **is there?

**Neil: **god

**Matt: **what

**Neil: **thank you for not dying on me

**Matt: **I am dying on the inside neil

**Matt: **I think we should all take a moment to appreciate my restraint

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **there’s a guy 👀👀

**Neil: **not like that

**Neil: **I don’t mean

**Neil: **I mean there’s this guy I’m, I guess he’s my friend

**Matt: **how did you guys meet?

**Neil: **on tinder

**Matt: **right

**Matt: **when

**Neil: **oh weeks ago

**Matt: **weeks??

**Matt: **you didn’t tell me

**Neil: **I met him before I met you

**Matt: **oh!

**Matt: **so, there’s this guy

**Matt: **but not like that

**Matt: **but who you met on a dating app

**Matt: **who you’ve been talking to for literally weeks

**Matt: **and kind of havent told anyone about

**Matt: **but want to ask me something about

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **yeah I guess so

**Matt: **right

**Matt: **I need to sit down

**Neil: **the thing is

**Neil: **he likes me

**Neil: **I think

**Neil: **I mean, he kind of told me he does

**Neil: **but he’s dating this other guy

**Neil: **so maybe, I dunno

**Neil: **maybe I misunderstood

**Neil: **sometimes he seems to find me irritating

**Neil: **but I think he kind of likes that

**Matt: 👁**

**Neil: **so um

**Neil: **I’d already told him I’d never liked anyone, like that

**Neil: **never really dated before

**Neil: **and I guess he said he didn’t want to ask anything of me until I knew what I was comfortable with

**Matt: **wow

**Matt: **neil that’s kind of sweet

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **and what did you say

**Neil: **nothing!

**Neil: **how am I supposed to know what anything means

**Neil: **like, how do you know you want

**Neil: **I don’t, you know

**Neil: **like, I’ve never really felt anything like that towards anyone

**Neil: **so how am I supposed to know if I do now

**Matt: **ok

**Matt: **I’m hyped

**Matt: **first of all I love you

**Matt: **and you’re great as you are

**Neil: **matt

**Matt: **right sorry

**Matt: **ok well do you think that maybe asking this question in the first place might be kind of a sign?

**Neil: **of what?

**Matt: **of questioning, at least

**Matt: **I know someone who identified as asexual for a while, and then met someone that he felt an attraction to, and that was super uncomfortable for him for a while, but the two of them were falling really hard for each other and figured it out and he feels more demi now

**Neil: **what?

**Matt: **you know

**Matt: **wait, which bit are you saying what to

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **I don’t know what asexual means

**Matt: **oh

**Matt: **neil

**Matt: **I kinda figured you maybe identified as asexual

**Neil: **??

**Matt: **well, I guess it means not experiencing sexual attraction, in some way. everyone’s different you know

**Matt: **you said you’ve never experienced sexual attraction?

**Neil: **right but

**Neil: **I figured I just hadn’t yet

**Neil: **there’s a fucking word for that?

**Matt: **yeah! there’s a word for everything

**Matt: **isn’t that great

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Matt: **well

**Matt: **it’s not really my place, neil, but I wonder if that fits for you

**Neil: **right

**Matt: **sorry, does that make you uncomfortable?

**Neil: **I have no idea

**Matt: **but, you know sex isn’t everything right

**Matt: **it sounds like you do like this guy

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Matt: **no I mean, take away any of the pressure

**Matt: **like as a friend

**Matt: **do you think he’s awesome

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **yeh I do

**Neil: **yeh he’s great

**Neil: **we talk all the time and it’s really, yeh, great

**Matt: **ok

**Matt: **I’ve never heard you talk about anyone like this before

**Matt: **I think you do know, really

**Matt: **that you feel differently about him than you do about me or ali

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Matt: **ok

**Matt: **it’s ok not to know

**Matt: **it sounds like he’s really understanding

**Neil: **god

**Neil: **I wish he would just ask me out, and then I can meet him, and see what happens

**Matt: **you wish he would ask you out

**Matt: **but you don’t know if you like him??

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **wait

**Neil: **I didn’t really mean it like that

**Matt: **NEIL

**Neil: **oh god I don’t know

**Matt: **this is adorable and squishy and I want to squish you so fucking hard

**Neil: **tomorrow?

**Matt: **please

**Neil: **I’m gonna sleep for a million years

**Matt: **great

**Matt: **then what? what’s the game plan?

**Neil: **I have no idea

\---

**Andrew: **hey

**Neil: **hey!

**Andrew: **excuse me

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **what

**Neil: **my finger slipped

**Andrew: **jesus

**Neil: **anyway what’s up

**Andrew: **well I don’t know if I want to engage you in conversation now, if you’re going to be so excitable

**Neil: **would you rather I was dull

**Andrew: **always

**Neil: **you lie

**Andrew: **anyway

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **what were you doing before your finger slipped

**Neil: **getting ready for bed

**Andrew: **what an exciting life you lead

**Neil: **putting pyjamas on

**Andrew: **tell me more

**Neil: **um, I guess I just wear sweatpants to bed

**Andrew: **for fuck’s sake neil I was joking

**Neil: **oh, sorry

**Andrew: **I hate you

**Neil: **sorry

**Neil: **uh

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **what are you doing

**Andrew: **eloquent

**Andrew: **in bed

**Andrew: **and not in the mood to divulge my clothing choices

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **so I’ll just have to guess then

**Andrew: **don’t you dare

**Neil: **you hate the cold right

**Neil: **and you’re a goth

**Neil: **an old band tshirt?

**Neil: **sweatpants?

**Andrew: **you know, sometimes I imagine carving the skin from your body

**Neil: **how exciting

**Andrew: **shut up

**Neil: **go to sleep

**Andrew: **how am I supposed to sleep now

**Neil: **you mean, now I’ve got you all excited

**Andrew: **you are the worst human being

**Andrew: **how have you survived 21 years like this

**Neil: **luck

**Andrew: **hmm

**Neil: **I’m not even slightly tired

**Andrew: **sounds like your problem

**Neil: **tell me a joke

\---

**Allison: **neil hun what are we doing today

**Neil: **matt’s coming round tonight :)

**Allison: **oh!

**Allison: **this is exciting

**Neil: **it is?

**Allison: **well he’s dating dan now

**Allison: **he’s not just a man

**Allison: **he’s a Man

**Allison: **do we need her permission?

**Neil: **what? why would we need that?

**Allison: **shut up I’m just thinking out loud

**Neil: **he’s my friend, and I’ve already invited him round, so

**Allison: **ok fine

**Allison: **what are we doing

**Neil: **whatever

**Allison: **exciting

\---

**Neil: **um matt

**Matt: **yeah??

**Neil: **can you maybe not mention our conversation to ali?

**Matt: **of course!

**Neil: **thanks

**Matt: **you feel uncomfortable about talking to her?

**Neil: **oh, no

**Neil: **maybe

**Neil: **just, please don’t

**Matt: **sure thing

**Matt: **has sleep helped by the way

**Matt: **is there a game plan

**Neil: **god

**Neil: **idk

**Matt: **are you talking to him now?

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **what about??

\---

**Neil: **see, I think you own several band shirts

**Neil: **and you just don’t want to tell me

**Andrew: **I’m not a hipster

**Neil: **I don’t even know what that is, andrew

**Neil: **stop trying to deflect

**Neil: **I just want you to tell me I’m right

**Neil: **so that this conversation can be over

**Andrew: **fine, sometimes I will sleep in an old tshirt with the name of a band I used to like on it

**Andrew: **now will you calm down

**Neil: **I win!

**Neil: **wow

**Neil: **must suck to be you right now huh

**Andrew: **you’re being weird today

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **jesus

\---

**Neil: **oh uh, nothing really

**Neil: **we just kind of

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Matt: **talk shit?

**Neil: **pretty much

**Matt: **well that’s pretty fucking cute

**Neil: **no it isn’t

\---

**Neil: **tell me a truth

**Andrew: **not for free

**Neil: **let’s play the game

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **what do you want to know

**Neil: **what do you want to tell me

**Andrew: **my cousin didn’t make me sign up for tinder

**Neil: **oh

**Andrew: **see I do lie, I’m a terrible person really

**Neil: **shh

**Neil: **so why did you sign up?

**Andrew: **no

**Andrew: **it’s my turn

**Andrew: **truth me

**Neil: **fine

**Neil: **hmm

**Neil: **I never know what you might find interesting

**Andrew: **don’t play that game

**Neil: **what game

**Andrew: **look

**Andrew: **just

**Andrew: **anything

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **my mom died

**Neil: **right before I came to college

**Neil: **that’s why I came here, I guess

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **yeah

**Neil: **your turn?

**Andrew: **I don’t have a mother

**Neil: **she died?

**Andrew: **in a manner of speaking

**Neil: **I think we need to establish rules

**Andrew: **I was brought up in foster homes

**Neil: **oh

**Andrew: **and then I met my mother

**Andrew: **and now she is dead

**Neil: **right

**Andrew: **what’s your favourite colour

**Neil: **I thought we weren’t asking

**Andrew: **changed my mind

**Neil: **haha ok

**Neil: **I don’t know if I have a favourite colour

**Neil: **most of my clothes are grey

**Neil: **I like grey

**Andrew: **are you serious?

**Neil: **yeh why?

**Andrew: **wow, how mundane of you

**Andrew: **why I expected any different, I do not know

**Neil: **what’s yours?

**Andrew: **is that your question

**Neil: **no

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **ask me something

**Neil: **why did you sign up to tinder?

**Andrew: **dirty trick

**Neil: **you literally told me to ask you something

**Andrew: **I asked your favourite colour

**Andrew: **I could have asked you anything

**Andrew: **what a waste

**Neil: **what would you have asked me?

**Andrew: **anyway

**Neil: **>:(

**Andrew: **jesus

**Andrew: **you’re a fucking menace

**Neil: **answer my question

**Andrew: **why does anyone do the things we do neil

**Neil: **stop it

**Andrew: **I’m answering you

**Andrew: **I signed up for hookups

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **yeh I guess I knew that actually

**Neil: **um, ok, ask me something

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **why not

**Andrew: **fine

**Andrew: **why did you start talking to me?

**Neil: **ah

**Neil: **to be honest

**Neil: **I’d rather not

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **thanks

**Andrew: **but you know I won’t care

**Andrew: **I literally can’t stand you

**Andrew: **how much worse can it get

**Neil: **I uh, I just kinda swiped right on the first five guys I saw

**Neil: **you know, um, as part of the experiment

**Andrew: **…

**Andrew: **christ you’re a mess aren’t you

**Neil: **rude

**Neil: **but yeh

**Andrew: **so fate has brought me here

**Neil: **what?

**Andrew: **fate, that cruel mistress

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **oh I guess yeh

**Andrew: **however will I repay her

**Neil: **with gold, loads of gold, because you’re so lucky to have met me

**Andrew: **I was thinking coal

**Andrew: **at christmas

**Andrew: **and a frowny face

**Andrew: **>:(

**Neil: **haha

**Andrew: **stop it

\---

**Andrew: **I assume you’re asleep

**Andrew: **I hope you are, honestly

**Andrew: **but you know that’s not why I’m here, right

\---

**Andrew: **you know what never mind actually

**Andrew: **I just thought you should know

**Andrew: **but also I find you appalling

**Andrew: **and I hope you choke in your sleep, honestly

\---

**Neil: **hey

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **that was a fun thing to wake up to

**Andrew: **shut up

**Andrew: **I hate you

**Neil: **yeh yeh

**Neil: **um, I don’t know how to answer you yet

**Andrew: **did I ask

**Neil: **no, but

**Neil: **I like talking to you

**Neil: **I don’t want you to leave

**Andrew: **did I say I would

**Neil: **I guess not

**Andrew: **then stop crying

**Neil: **I’m not?

**Andrew: **sure looked like it

**Neil: **oh stop

**Andrew: **:)

**Neil: **listen

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **what’s your favourite colour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am sleepy and i love you all very much, that is all xxx


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, hey, pssssssst

**Dan: **can we add matt

**Allison: **to what

**Renee: **ooh

**Allison: **oh to the gc!

**Dan: **TO THE GC

**Neil: **hi

**Allison: **WELL

**Dan: **hey 😊

**Renee: **you seem chipper

**Dan: **lemme tell you

**Neil: **please don’t

**Dan: **he knows how to please a woman, neil

**Dan: **he would have been absolutely wasted on you

**Neil: **right

**Renee: **that’s very unimaginative of you hetero

**Dan: **yes sorry homo

**Dan: **his hands are very skilled, in all the right places yeh

**Dan: **but I don’t mean to presume they couldn’t Strip a Dick too

**Renee: **thank you :)

**Dan: **:)

**Neil: **god

**Allison: **tasty

**Dan: **so?

**Allison: **oh yes

**Allison: **let’s make a new one!

**Dan: **oh yes! even better

\---

**Dan: **MATTY

**Matt: **!!!

**Allison: **a wild hunk approached

**Renee: **hey matt :)

**Matt: **hi renee!

**Matt: **haha ali

**Matt: **hi

**Neil: **hey

**Matt: **BUDDY

**Matt: **THIS IS EXCITING

**Neil: **:)

**Dan: **chill bro

**Matt: **never!!

**Dan: **gross

**Allison: **this will be fun

**Allison: **I feel like david attenborough

**Renee: **does she really call him matty

**Neil: **that’s his name on tinder

**Allison: **you know for a second I almost forgot neil dated him too

**Allison: **fantastic

**Matt: **XD haha yeh

**Matt: **I’m so lucky to have met such awesome people!

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **ok matt

**Matt: **you can’t escape the love buddy

**Renee: **:) :) :)

**Dan: **hedgehog will be next

**Neil: **no thanks

**Allison: **yes danielle how about some boundary respecting please

**Dan: **oh chill

**Matt: **what’s this

**Allison: **oh you know we’re supposed to accept that if neil wants to die alone that’s his right

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **clearly that’s what we agreed

**Matt: **(omg they’re so cute)

**Allison: **look if you knew what you wanted that would be FINE

**Dan: **(told you)

**Allison: **but you clearly DON’T, and I just wanted to help

**Renee: **(can I join in bracket time)

**Neil: **yeh well don’t

**Matt: **(yes!! hi renee so nice to talk to you again!)

**Allison: **eurgh

**Renee: **(you too matt!)

**Allison: **matt come on back me up

**Matt: **haha

**Matt: **well

**Matt: **maybe he is figuring it out at his own pace? 😊😊

**Renee: **exactly :)

**Neil: **can we talk about something else now

**Allison: **god fine

**Allison: **don’t have a strop

**Dan: **:)

**Matt: **:)

**Neil: **I’m not having a strop

\---

**Neil: **if an animal is wearing a hat, is what I meant

**Andrew: **so let me clarify

**Neil: **I just did

**Andrew: **you want to know what my favourite animal is, *if* it were wearing a hat

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **I don’t understand the premise of the question

**Neil: **you do

**Neil: **you’re just being difficult

**Andrew: **maybe my favourite animal isn’t hat dependent

**Neil: **I don’t believe you

**Neil: **you love hats

**Andrew: **every day I question what brought me here

**Neil: **look it’s my turn

**Neil: **and this is what I wanna know

**Andrew: **you are the worst

**Neil: **gimme

**Andrew: **fine

**Andrew: **but just so we’re clear, I am only answering this question under duress

**Andrew: **I do not like animals

**Andrew: **or hats

**Neil: **(except top hats)

**Andrew: **or anything

**Neil: **(and beanies)

**Andrew: **especially you

**Neil: **understood

**Andrew: **my cat has been known to wear a baseball cap

**Neil: **…

**Neil: **……

**Andrew: **good lord

**Neil: **……… :O

**Andrew: **cease

**Neil: **I want another turn

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **what do I have to give you for a photo

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **think about it

**Andrew: **well neil

**Andrew: **I would have to ask her permission

**Neil: **of course

**Neil: **consent is important

**Andrew: **right

**Neil: **what do you want in return

**Andrew: **I don’t know

**Neil: **fuuuck

**Neil: **I never knew I wanted anything until now GOD

**Andrew: **and now you know how it feels

**Neil: **what?

**Andrew: **it’s my turn

**Neil: **of course

**Neil: **keep thinking about that trade though

**Andrew: **sure

**Neil: **I want cats in hats

**Andrew: **I regret you :)

**Neil: **:)

\---

**Allison: **neilio

**Neil: **hey

**Allison: **are we cool?

**Neil: **yeh!

**Neil: **why?

**Allison: **I was only joking earlier

**Neil: **oh I know

**Neil: **it’s ok

**Allison: **I really will leave you alone

**Allison: **renee made me do some googling

**Neil: **why is everyone so crazy about the internet

**Allison: **um

**Neil: **people keep telling me to look stuff up

**Allison: **it’s literally how you learn?

**Allison: **what century are you from?

**Neil: **idk I didn’t have it growing up and I’m fine

**Allison: **ummmmmmmmm

**Neil: **oh fuck off

**Allison: 😘**

**Neil: **anyway what were you going to say

**Allison: **ohhhhhh just

**Allison: **fine

**Allison: **just you know it’s possible maybe my opinions about sex and relationships isn’t gonna be you know everyone’s opinions on it

**Neil: **you had to google that?

**Allison: **fuck off

**Allison: **and like maybe if you’re demi or ace or I don’t know whatever you might idk feel differently about this stuff

**Allison: **I just really thought you were gay man

**Allison: **renee says that’s like “offensive”

**Allison: **or whatever

**Allison: **so whatever man

**Neil: **right

\---

**Neil: **right

**Allison: **what

**Neil: **so

**Allison: **yeh?

**Neil: **nm

**Allison: **weirdo

\---

**Neil: **matt

**Matt: **buddy

**Neil: **I think I need to do some googling

**Matt: **BUDDY

**Neil:** help?

**Matt:** always!

\---

**Neil: **can’t sleep

**Andrew: **scintillating

**Neil: **can I ask you something

**Andrew: **sure

**Neil: **not our game

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **you don’t have to answer

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **why do I feel like I need my hat for this

**Neil: **I just

**Neil: **how did you know you were gay?

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **what?

**Andrew: **just know I am sighing at you

**Andrew: **heavily

**Andrew: **my breath is cracking the screen

**Neil: **what??

**Andrew: **I just think you need to talk to someone else about this now

**Neil: **why?

**Neil: **we used to talk about this stuff

**Andrew: **yes

**Andrew: **and I distinctly remember telling you to google it

**Andrew: **which I assume you have not

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **well

**Andrew: **I honestly cannot summon the will to be surprised

**Neil: **well no but I am trying

**Andrew: **thrilling

**Neil: **but it’s ok, you can always say no, if it’s no

**Andrew: **it’s no

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **sorry

\---

**Neil: **help

**Matt: **what? :)

**Neil: **I think I annoyed andrew

**Matt: **tinder guy?

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **ok buddy what happened

**Neil: **um well I was googling that stuff you told me last night

**Neil: **um about maybe being uh

**Neil: **ace or whatever

**Matt: **dude! I’m so proud of you!

**Neil: **sure

**Neil: **but

**Neil: **the thing is

**Neil: **I still um

**Neil: **anyway so I asked him

**Matt: **??

**Neil: **you know

**Neil: **like, how he knew he was gay

**Matt: **BRO

**Neil: **what??

**Matt: **I love you so hard

**Matt: **the thing is, this guy has told you he likes you yeh?

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **and told you he’ll give you space to work yourself out?

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **and sure he’s dating but it doesn’t sound very serious

**Neil: **maybe

**Matt: **I don’t know man that sounds like a lot

**Neil: **what does

**Matt: **he likes you, and he’s hoping you work your shit out soon, but it’s probably a bit too much to ask him to help you figure yourself out

**Neil: **oh

**Matt: **like, he might not feel able to do that

**Matt: **like, maybe it would be too easy for him to convince you you’re gay, and into him, and then you go out right

**Matt: **he wouldn’t know whether you were there because you really wanted to be

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **right

**Neil: **oh god that makes sense

**Matt: **yeh

**Matt: **it’s ok man don’t feel bad

**Neil: **oh fuck I feel like a complete idiot

**Matt: **hey

**Neil: **shit

**Matt: **it’s ok!

**Matt: **what did he say when you asked him?

**Neil: **just, like, no

**Neil: **so I backed off

**Matt: **then you’re fine

**Matt: **don’t panic over one thing

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **god

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **haha oh neil

**Neil: **what

**Matt: **you know what nothing

**Matt: **keep googling buddy, and chatting to andrew, and I’m sure everything will work out :)

**Neil: **ok matt

**Neil: **thanks

**Neil: **you’re alright

**Matt: **OMG

\---

**KevinD: **hi

**Neil: **uh, hi

**KevinD: **how are you

**Neil: **fine

**Neil: **not to be rude, but how did we match?

**KevinD: **we matched a while ago

**KevinD: **you like exy

**Neil: **ohhh

**Neil: **oh yeh, aren’t you the snob

**KevinD: **yes

**Neil: **um ok

**Neil: **well hi

**Neil: **did you want something?

**KevinD: **just wanted to see what he dumped me for if I can be completely honest

**Neil: **you can, but I have literally no idea what you’re talking about

**KevinD: **ok

**Neil: **think you got the wrong guy, sorry

**KevinD: **do you play exy?

**Neil: **no?

**KevinD: **I do

**Neil: **that’s nice

**KevinD: **I’m 6”

**Neil: **um

**KevinD: **how tall are you

**Neil: **what the fuck is happening

**KevinD: **wait I can check your profile

**KevinD: **neil, no offence, you’re tiny

**Neil: **why would I find that offensive

**KevinD: **he never smiled, do you ever smile?

**Neil: **uh, yeh, sometimes

**Neil: **this is weird can I go now

**KevinD: **not stopping you

**KevinD: **maybe it’s the smiling thing

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **please stop talking

**KevinD: **sure

\---

**Neil: **the WEIRDEST thing just happened on tinder

**Allison: **what??

**Neil: **oh

**Dan: **HI

**Renee: **this is exciting, what happened

**Neil: **oh nothing

**Neil: **I didn’t mean to say that

**Matt: **you ok?

**Neil: **yeh I just

**Neil: **wrong chat

**Allison: **wanna sidebar?

**Neil: **um

**Allison: **what??

**Dan: **I don’t think he meant to text you…

**Renee: **ah neil, don’t worry :) let’s just move on

**Allison: **who did you mean to message?

**Matt: **haha

**Matt: **technology eh

**Matt: **it has its ups and downs

**Dan: **babe

**Matt: **yeah?

**Dan: **shut up

**Allison: **did you mean to message matt?

**Neil: **no

**Allison: **dude

**Allison: **what’s going on

**Allison: **I thought you weren’t doing tinder any more

**Matt: **maybe he’s just doing it at his own pace

**Allison: **yeah maybe you can shut up ok

**Dan: **ali, can you not?

**Allison: **fuck this

**Neil: **hey

\---

**Neil: **what

**Allison: **you’re an asshole

**Neil: **I don’t understand

**Allison: **you’ve been talking to matt? About dating?

**Neil: **well, maybe

**Allison: **ok great

**Allison: **that’s great neil

**Allison: **I thought you didn’t want to talk to anyone about it

**Allison: **never mind that I’m your oldest fucking friend, and we live together, and I signed you up in the first place

**Neil: **don’t be upset

**Allison: **don’t fucking tell me what to do

**Allison: **don’t talk to me

\---

**Matt: **buddy I’m sorry, I feel like I fucked up

**Neil: **not your fault

**Matt: **yeh, well, I’m sorry

**Matt: **and uh, if you wanna tell me the weird tinder thing you still can

**Neil: **yeh thanks, but not now

**Matt: **ok :(

\--- 

**Neil: **:(

**Andrew: **do I need popcorn

**Neil: **no

**Andrew: **oh dear

**Andrew: **what’s he done now

**Neil: **allison’s mad

**Andrew: **what did you do

**Neil: **I dunno

**Neil: **I guess

**Neil: **it’s stupid

**Andrew: **yes it usually is

**Neil: **wait

**Neil: **I’m not here for advice

**Neil: **and I can shut up

**Andrew: **noted

**Andrew: **but continue, obviously

**Andrew: **and by the way you continue to be detestable, in case you were wondering

**Neil: **um ok

**Neil: **well, I was asking matt for help with something, instead of ali, and I guess maybe she’s hurt

**Andrew: **right

**Neil: **it’s stupid

**Neil: **but I feel crappy

**Andrew: **you’re right, it is entirely stupid

**Andrew: **dump allison and get better friends

**Neil: **that’s your advice??

**Andrew: **you said you weren’t here for advice

**Neil: **I’m not

**Andrew: **why is it bad advice

**Neil: **I don’t wanna dump ali

**Andrew: **why not

**Neil: **she’s my best friend

**Neil: **I don’t know what I would do without her

**Andrew: **tell her that

**Neil: **oh, right

**Neil: **is that all?

**Andrew: **yep

**Andrew: **sometimes true love is just that simple little neil

**Neil: **I’m taller than you

**Andrew: **you keep telling yourself that

\---

**Neil: **hey wait

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **I’m taller than you

**Andrew: **like I said, in your dreams

**Neil: **no, shh

**Andrew: **how exciting

**Neil: **what was your date called?

**Andrew: **which one

**Neil: **look

**Neil: **you know the one I mean

**Andrew: **why would I tell you

**Neil: **truth game

**Andrew: **a game I invented, you keep forgetting

**Andrew: **I neglected to create extra rules that would work in my favour

**Neil: **sounds like your problem

**Andrew: **fine

**Andrew: **kevin

**Neil: **I see

\---

**Neil: **ALLISON

**Allison: **I’m not talking to you, leave me alone

**Neil: **I cannot

**Neil: **you’re a fucking asshole

**Allison: **you are not in a position to be throwing insults around right now

**Neil: **look I told matt about andrew because he doesn’t know me as well as you do and

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Neil: **it wasn’t as scary

**Neil: **that’s not the point

**Allison: **who’s andrew?

**Neil: **the point is that you’re my best fucking friend ok

**Neil: **so will you get off your high fucking whatever and help me

**Allison: **it’s a high horse, jesus

**Allison: **maybe I will forgive you if you learn common phrases

**Neil: **do you get it though?

**Allison: **I guess

**Allison: **I knew you found this stuff hard

**Neil: **sometimes you just know me too well

**Neil: **it’s just a lot

**Allison: **fine, I suppose I get that

**Allison: **I just don’t want you to stop talking to me entirely

**Neil: **how would I do that

**Neil: **I dunno who I’d be without you

**Allison: **oh my god

**Allison: **fuck off

**Neil: **haha

**Allison: **jesus christ

**Allison: **I mean, same, obviously, you fucking lunatic

**Neil: **ok cool

**Allison: **cool

**Allison: **god, can we move on

**Neil: **yes, please

**Allison: **ok

**Allison: **who’s andrew?

**Neil: **oh, um

\---

**Andrew: **why do you want to know?

**Neil: **I don’t

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **a random thought popped into my head

**Neil: **weird

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **anyway

**Andrew: **truth

**Neil: **oh god

**Andrew: **don’t make me look over my glasses at you

**Neil: **you wear glasses??

**Andrew: **for reading

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **cool

**Andrew: **yes it is cool I’ll have you know

**Andrew: **I look amazing in them

**Neil: **I can imagine

**Andrew: **well don’t

**Neil: **anyway

**Andrew: **why did you want to know the guy’s name

**Neil: **ok fine but I want it on the record that I didn’t want to tell you because you’re going to hate this

**Andrew: **I hate everything

**Andrew: **and you led us here

**Andrew: **why did you ask me his name

**Neil: **he messaged me

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **to uh

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **to say hi

**Neil: **I guess he knew you, and maybe you mentioned me idk

**Andrew: **right

**Neil: **but like don’t worry about it

**Neil: **it’s um fine

**Neil: **he didn’t really say anything

**Andrew: **sure he didn’t

**Andrew: **let’s keep it that way

**Neil: **yeh ok

**Andrew: **whatever you think you heard, you did not

**Andrew: **am I clear?

**Neil: **sure

**Andrew: **now

**Andrew: **what did we agree?

**Andrew: **oh yes, that this works better when no one tries at all

**Neil: **you agreed

\---

**Neil: **matt

**Matt: **I’m here

**Neil: **andrew’s date messaged me

**Matt: **on tinder??

**Neil: **yes

**Matt: **oh my god

**Matt: **why

**Matt: **what happened

**Neil: **he messaged me to say um that he uh wanted to see what andrew “dumped him for”

**Matt: **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Neil: **what the fuck do I do

**Matt: **what do you wanna do?

**Neil: **fuck fuck

**Matt: **yes I agree

**Neil: **he gets kind of I don’t know

**Neil: **andrew, he doesn’t really like talking about real stuff

**Neil: **I’m worried he’s gonna disappear

**Matt: **oh buddy :( I don’t think he will, you’ve done nothing wrong

**Neil: **why would he say that to the guy??

**Matt: **I think you know why, man

**Neil: **fuck

**Matt: **it’s gonna be ok

\---

**Neil: **the weather is nice today, wouldn’t you say

**Neil: **not a cloud in the sky

**Andrew: **neil

**Andrew: **what I said to kevin

**Andrew: **it was just to get him to back off

**Andrew: **like I said, he was dull, and I couldn’t be bothered anymore

**Neil: **right, ok

**Andrew: **I think we should stop

**Neil: **what?

**Andrew: **this isn’t a thing

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **this

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **right

**Andrew: **is it

**Neil: **um

**Andrew: **if it was we would know by now

**Neil: **right

**Andrew: **I never asked anything of you

**Andrew: **so there isn’t a problem here

**Andrew: **I am ok with just texting

**Andrew: **you’re not entirely boring

**Andrew: **ok?

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **right

**Andrew: **right

**Andrew: **good

**Andrew: **now, tell me more about this weather you’re having

\---

**Allison: **well??

**Neil: **oh fuck

**Neil: **I really like him ali

**Allison: **WHO????

**Neil: **andrew

**Neil: **tinder guy

**Neil: **we’ve been chatting for, I don’t know, weeks? over a month now?

**Neil: **I’m sorry

**Neil: **I couldn’t tell you, I didn’t know

**Neil: **I still don’t?

**Neil: **I think matt knows

**Allison: **oh

**Allison: **my

**Allison: **shitting

**Allison: **fuck balls

**Neil: **yeh

**Allison: **ok at some point I need ACTUAL DETAILS

**Allison: **there’s a guy? And you like him? Does he like you??

**Neil: **yes

**Allison: **OMG

**Allison: **are you going out?

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **I think I’ve fucked up

**Allison: **how?

**Neil: **I um I don’t know I think he was waiting for me and he’s tired of waiting

**Neil: **I don’t know though

**Neil: **sometimes I think I imagined it

**Allison: **imagined what

**Neil: **he sort of told me he liked me

**Neil: **but now he’s saying like we’re not a thing and if we were gonna be wouldn’t we know by now or something

**Neil: **I think he just wants to leave it

**Allison: **and how does that make you feel?

**Allison: **wait hold on

\---

**Allison: **ok

**Matt: **um hi

**Allison: **don’t worry matt your balls are allowed to stay

**Matt: **well, great!

**Matt: **I, and I’m sure dan, are very grateful

**Allison: **don’t be gross

**Matt: **haha 😊

**Matt: **why the new group

**Neil: **fuck

**Matt: **oh I see

**Allison: **now, andrew is on the CUSP of fucking off

**Allison: **and I think neil needs double teaming

**Matt: **oh shit

**Matt: **buddy what happened?

**Neil: **I fucked up

**Matt: **:( dude it’s going to be ok

**Allison: **he said they weren’t a thing

**Matt: **well

**Matt: **they’re not though

**Neil: **I know

**Matt: **I thought you were still working out what you wanted

**Neil: **I am

**Matt: **what did he say?

**Neil: **he just wants to leave it

**Neil: **I think he still wants to talk, idk, just friends I guess

**Matt: **ok

**Allison: **right and how does that make you feel hedgehog?

**Neil: **I um

**Neil: **I don’t fucking know

**Allison: **you fucking do

**Matt: **(hedgehog?)

**Allison: **(like a tiny scared hedgehog)

**Matt: **(omggg)

**Neil: **ok right

**Neil: **wait

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **I mean obviously I like him

**Neil: **obviously

**Neil: **he’s amazing

**Neil: **he’s like hilarious and honest and, I dunno, we’re similar in a lot of ways

**Matt: 👀**

**Allison: **go on

**Neil: **and uh, I dunno I like chatting to him at night when I can’t sleep

**Matt: 👀**DUDE

**Allison: **gross

**Allison: **go on

**Neil: **he likes hats

**Matt: **that’s… ok

**Allison: **interesting

**Neil: **but um I dunno I don’t think I’m good date material

**Allison: **fuck’s sake

**Matt: **let him decide that buddy!

**Matt: **everyone has someone out there that’s right for them

**Matt: **you are me weren’t right for each other, we know that, even though we love each other SOOO much

**Matt: **but dan, gorgeous dan, she just feels so right, and I’m not even talking like in bed man

**Matt: **it just clicks, it just feels different, sometimes you just know

**Matt: **does it feel different?

**Allison: **this is disgusting

**Allison: **and I hate to agree

**Neil: **ok wait a sec

**Matt: 👁👃👁**

**Allison: **hard same

\---

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **can we still play the truth game

**Andrew: **well

**Andrew: **I don’t know

**Andrew: **depends

**Neil: **it can’t depend

**Neil: **what does it depend on

**Andrew: **how boring you’re going to be

**Neil: **I’m not boring

**Neil: **you find me interesting

**Andrew: **slander

**Neil: **let me ask you something

**Andrew: **whatever

**Andrew: **I don’t know why I bother with you

**Neil: **I know

**Neil: **just

**Neil: **why did you break things off with date guy?

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **that’s my question

**Andrew: **what are you doing

**Neil: **just tell me

**Andrew: **you already know why

**Andrew: **he told you

**Andrew: **for that, no balls for kevin

**Neil: **andrew come on

**Andrew: **for fuck’s sake neil

**Andrew: **you fucking know what I said to him

**Neil: **you said it was bullshit

**Andrew: **you know it wasn’t

**Neil: **I don’t get it

**Andrew: **yes well add it to the fucking list neil

**Andrew: **of things you don’t comprehend

**Andrew: **you think you can just

**Andrew: **that fucking pep talk

**Neil: **what?

**Andrew: **I couldn’t get it out of my fucking head

**Andrew: **tell him you like sunsets

**Andrew: **I mean! I never told you I like sunsets

**Neil: **but um it was in the matt date idea

**Andrew: **that was a joke

**Neil: **well, but, I dunno, I kinda knew it wasn’t

**Andrew: **you are absurd

**Andrew: **and I hate you

**Andrew: **and “don’t let him be more interesting than me”

**Andrew: **do you even have any idea

**Neil: **oh

**Andrew: **oh good lord is comprehension fucking dawning

**Neil: **oh andrew

**Andrew: **you are just the absolute worst

**Neil: **I’m sorry I didn’t really um think

**Neil: **um yeah that was kind of a shitty thing to say

**Andrew: **yeah it fucking was

**Andrew: **you called that a pep talk and I had to spend three hours listening to a guy talking about exy with one hand on my knee and all I could think about was _save that for me _

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **speaking of

**Andrew: **not now

**Neil: **right sorry

**Andrew: **anyway

**Andrew: **I have no idea what you think the point of this was

**Andrew: **except to piss me off

**Andrew: **which, by the way, isn’t possible, because anger is a useless emotion

**Neil: **right

**Andrew: **I’m going to fucking bed

**Neil: **wait

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **I’m sorry

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **I think I’ve been an absolute idiot

**Andrew: **what

**Andrew: ** _Andrew is typing…_

**Andrew: **well what do you mean

**Neil: **don’t disappear

**Neil: **I’m terrified you’re going to

**Neil: **I don’t want that

**Neil: **I um

**Neil: **I think I might really fucking like you

**Neil: **and I know I have no idea what I’m doing

**Neil: **but um

**Neil: **I like talking to you

**Neil: **when I’m trying to go to sleep

**Neil: **because

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **you make me smile

**Neil: **you make me feel safe

**Neil: **and kind of calm

**Neil: **nothing makes me feel calm

**Neil: **I’m a fucking mess

**Neil: **my mom was always the opposite of calm

**Neil: **I’ve never been calm in my entire life

**Neil: **and then you and your jokes

**Neil: **and truths

**Neil: **and smileys and

**Neil: **those movies

**Neil: **I just, um

**Neil: **I think I didn’t know, what that all was

**Neil: **but

**Neil: **I um

**Neil: **I think you’re kind of incredible

**Neil: **do you wanna like maybe meet up

**Neil: **with me

**Neil: **sometime

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **I’m sorry

**Neil: **maybe you’re bored of me

**Neil: **I don’t wanna just take something from you

**Neil: **if you don’t want it

**Andrew: **neil

**Andrew: **stop

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **sorry

**Andrew: **I said stop

**Neil: **right

**Andrew: **you are just

**Andrew: **so

**Andrew: **I have run out of tylenol, neil

**Andrew: **and I am tired

**Andrew: **you are just

**Andrew: **exhausting

**Neil: **haha um

**Neil: **um sorry

**Andrew: **I need to go away for a bit

**Andrew: **and sleep off my neil-induced headache

**Andrew: **and we will talk in the morning

**Andrew: **is that ok

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **yeh of course andrew

**Neil: **we’ll talk in the morning?

**Andrew: **yes

**Andrew: **ok?

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **goodnight

**Andrew: **fuck off

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **god

**Andrew: **goodnight

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **ok

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> omg  
\---  
so this is the longest chapter good LORD you are fucking welcome and i *think* there's only one chapter to go?? but i don't have the best track record on this stuff. i'm fairly sure. i'm like 90% sure. prepare yourselves for 1 (one) chapter more only, is what i'm saying. um the comments on this fic have had me in stitches?? i read them over and over again with a matt-level beam on my face so like! thanks for reading this dumb fic with me. neil-homeboy for life. god. anyway k bye love ya xxx


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok fine i split the last chapter in two that doesn't count as me not knowing how long is left the CONTENT is what it was gonna be it just turned into two chapters instead of one woops enjoy x

**Neil: **good morning

**Andrew: **neil

**Andrew: **it’s 4am

**Andrew: **go to sleep

**Neil: **you go to sleep

**Andrew: **good lord

**Neil: **hypocrite

**Neil: **hey since we’re both up

**Andrew: **I honestly wonder if I will ever tire of you

**Andrew: ***yawns*

**Andrew: **oh wait there it is

**Neil: **funny

**Neil: **you make me feel wide awake

**Andrew: **oh for the love of god

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **I am sleeping

**Andrew: **you should too

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **talk in the morning?

**Andrew: **in the real morning, yes

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Allison: **so? what happened??

**Matt: **yes information please

**Matt: **btw dan says hi

**Matt: **WHAT I SAID WAS THE FUCK IS GOING ON

**Matt: **uh yeah, she’s here, can I tell her?

**Allison: **tell her what, is the question

**Allison: **I cant believe hedgehog just disappeared last night

**Allison: **tell dan I miss her cute butt

**Matt: **she says she misses your shoulders

**Matt: **I SAID FUCKING FIERCE SHOULDERS

**Allison: **THANK YOU QUEEN

**Matt: **haha

**Matt: **you guys are the best

**Allison: **we are not

**Allison: **where’s neil

**Matt: **maybe he’s still asleep

**Neil: **hi

**Matt: **BUDDY

**Allison: **neil you fucking lurker

**Allison: **well???

**Neil: **um

**Matt: **wait, dan is practically mauling at my shoulder to see the screen

**Matt: **can I tell her y/n

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **whatever

**Neil: **I couldn’t care less

**Allison: **renee??

\---

**Neil: **yes fine whatever

**Allison: **omg

**Renee: **morning 😊

**Dan: **WHAT’S GOING ON

**Matt: **buddy!

**Matt: **I’m so proud of you

**Neil: **hi

**Neil: **nothing happened

**Dan: **look if someone doesn’t tell me what’s going on

**Matt: **she has scary eyes man

**Renee: **is something going on?

**Neil: **ali

**Allison: **neil met someone!

**Allison: **on TINDER

**Allison: **a man someone

**Allison: **an ‘andrew’, if you will

**Dan: **oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh

**Renee: **oh!

**Allison: **and something is happening

**Allison: **but we don’t know what

**Matt: 😃**

**Dan: **omg babe you kept this from me

**Matt: **stop pinching me!

**Matt: **buds before boobs, am I right

**Renee: **sometimes both

**Allison: **both is good

**Neil: **anyway

**Matt: **GO ON

**Neil: **he’s thinking about it

**Neil: **I think

**Matt: **about what??

**Renee: **this is so exciting

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **meeting up, maybe

**Allison: **what did you tell him

**Neil: **oh, you know

**Allison: **still no

**Dan: **dude!

**Neil: **I told him I thought he was incredible

**Neil: **and asked if he wanted to meet up sometime

**Neil: **I mean, basically

**Matt: ***combusts*

**Matt: **goodbye earth

**Dan: ***pokes a very dead-looking matty*

**Renee: ***holds up telescope to eye to look on in concern*

**Allison: **CAN WE STOP WITH THE DRAMATICS

**Allison: **HOLY FUCK

**Renee: **haha babe

**Renee: **are you k

**Dan: **neil honey this is so exciting

**Neil: **please don’t

**Dan: **why not??

**Matt: **:D

**Neil: **I have no idea what he’s going to say

**Allison: **you fucking do

**Neil: **well, I mean, I hope he um

**Neil: **I think he feels the same way but

**Matt: **how could he not you lovable rogue

**Dan: **hedgehog

**Matt: **right

**Renee: **aw neil let us know how it goes

**Renee: **did he say he’d get back to you?

**Neil: **yeh, in the morning

**Neil: **it’s fucking morning isn’t it

**Matt: **haha buddy

**Matt: **maybe he’s still asleep

**Matt: **keep us updated!

**Dan: **yes, I am thrilled honestly but it’s phones away time now

**Dan: **love u hedgehog

**Matt: **love

**Matt: **fdfngfhte

**Renee: **… did she kill him

**Allison: **I’m guessing something like that

**Renee: ***sniggers*

**Allison: ***sniggers*

**Neil: **oh shit

**Allison: **what??

\---

**Andrew: **good morning, oh sophisticated world, world in which the sun has risen and no one is impatient at all

**Neil: **andrew

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **god

**Neil: **hi

**Andrew: **hi

\---

**Allison: **oh great he’s disappeared again

**Renee: **what did you expect

**Renee: **oh I hope everything goes ok

**Allison: **you know he is literally one room over I could just barge in there

**Allison: **has he forgotten my barging in powers

**Renee: **or you could give him space

**Allison: **boring

**Renee: **by coming over here

**Renee: **I have too much space

**Allison: **gimme 20 mins

**Renee: **too long

**Allison: **I need to brush my teeth and shower

**Renee: **but I like you all rough

**Allison: **gross

**Renee: **car? now?

**Allison: **really gross

**Allison: **wait just swapping slippers for boots

**Renee: **driving over in your pyjamas?

**Allison: **yes you’ve made me feel very stressed I’ll see you in 5 minutes

**Renee: 😘**

\---

**Andrew: **did you sleep

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **you’re a bad liar

**Neil: **I’m a great liar thank you very much

**Neil: **I’m just not trying very hard right now

**Andrew: **did you sleep?

**Neil: **a bit

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **do you want to talk

**Andrew: **we are talking

**Neil: **difficult

**Andrew: **probably we need to settle some things

**Neil: **right

**Andrew: **I need to know what you want from this

**Andrew: **that you know what you want from this

**Neil: **well, look

**Neil: **I still, um, I’m still not sure

**Neil: **I can try?

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **it’s not really fair, you’ve done this before, and I haven’t

**Neil: **you should go first

**Andrew: **not happening, I have been going first for weeks now

**Andrew: **metaphorically speaking

**Neil: **ok fine

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **yeah, so, I think I might be demisexual

**Neil: **um do you know what that means

**Andrew: **yes neil

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **because

**Neil: **I didn’t think I liked anyone like that

**Neil: **and I know we haven’t even met but

**Neil: **but um

**Neil: **anyway

**Andrew: **interesting

**Neil: **shut up

**Neil: **so yeh I, I’m kinda desperate to meet you

**Neil: **I’m not sure I can promise

**Neil: **I don’t think I’ll know what I want out of this until we meet?

**Andrew: **of course, yes

**Andrew: **that’s usually how this works, so that’s ok

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **ok good

**Neil: **but, yeh I know I want to

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **god

**Neil: **can this be like truths

**Neil: **can it be your turn now

**Andrew: **you’ve barely articulated anything, you know

**Neil: **it’s as much as I can do right now

**Andrew: **fine

**Andrew: **then, I would not be against it

**Neil: **against what

**Andrew: **meeting up

**Neil: **yeh, ok

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **wait, is that all I get

**Andrew: **you are ridiculous

**Andrew: **just because you have the control of a

**Neil: **yes of a what

**Andrew: **I’m thinking

**Andrew: **I’m not sure there exists a species that matches you for lack of control over basic function

**Neil: **hey

**Neil: **I like you

**Neil: **get over it

**Andrew: **am I supposed to be blown away

**Neil: **yes

**Andrew: **well

**Neil: **you like me too

**Andrew: **we’re not 12

**Neil: **tell me something

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **I’m ready

**Andrew: **fine

**Andrew: **I suppose

**Andrew: **I find you something I can’t help but come back to, again and again

**Neil: **oh

**Andrew: **will that do

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **yep

**Neil: **that

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **did I win

\---

**Neil: **UM

**Allison: **yes??

**Neil: **I think

**Neil: **yeh we’re gonna meet up

**Neil: **or go on a date

**Neil: **or whatever

**Allison: **oh my god

**Neil: **yeh

**Allison: **neil!

**Neil: **:D

\---

**Neil: **hi

**Andrew: **I’m busy

**Neil: **doing what

**Andrew: **doing what, he says

**Andrew: **when was the last time you studied, for anything

**Neil: **I’m studying right now

**Andrew: **prove it

**Andrew: **what’s 17 + 54

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **where’s your cat

**Andrew: **wow, I hope they offer you a scholarship for that masters programme you’re going for

**Neil: **shush

**Neil: **cat

**Andrew: **she’s here

**Neil: **really?

**Andrew: **usually is

**Neil: **why did you wait so long to tell me she existed

**Andrew: **didn’t seem relevant

**Neil: **andrew

**Neil: **it could not be more relevant

**Neil: **did you decide btw

**Andrew: **decide what

**Neil: **what do I have to give you

**Neil: **for cats in hats

**Andrew: **we already went over this

**Andrew: **I want nothing

**Neil: **then gimme

**Andrew: **that’s hardly a fair trade

**Neil: **then think harder

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **now go away

**Neil: **for how long

**Andrew: **two hours neil

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Neil: **so how should we do this?

**Andrew: **meeting up, you mean

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **or am I suppose to decide

**Neil: **since I asked

**Neil: **sorry

**Andrew: **stop it

**Andrew: **you don’t need to do that

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **you are always worrying

**Andrew: **you don’t need to, here

**Andrew: **it is ok to ask

**Andrew: **I don’t mind

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **:)

**Neil: **so um

**Neil: **would you like me to pick somewhere for our date?

**Andrew: **we can choose together

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **where do you live?

**Neil: **south-east

**Neil: **you?

**Andrew: **south end, near the big church

**Neil: **oh, that’s not too far from me

**Neil: **um, I don’t drink but there’s a bar near here that ali likes

**Neil: **they have good coffee

**Neil: **and tapas

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **does that sound ok?

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **ok cool

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **when

**Andrew: **what are you doing tonight

**Neil: **hey

**Neil: **I mean

**Neil: **nothing

**Neil: **obviously

**Neil: **tonight?

**Andrew: **why not

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **good point

**Neil: **fuck

**Andrew: **oh look I killed him

**Andrew: **good, things were starting to get a little too earnest around here

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **shut up

**Neil: **tonight?

**Andrew: **unless you’d rather not

**Andrew: **unless you’re a… c o w a r d

**Neil: **nope!

**Neil: **how dare you

**Neil: **I can meet up tonight

**Neil: **I mean, for our date

**Neil: **yep

**Neil: **asshole

**Andrew: **:)

**Andrew: **I win

**Neil: **shut up

\---

**Allison: **what’s all that banging

**Neil: **OH MY GOD WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN

**Allison: **renee’s! she made me breakfast, there was sexy time, I’m feeling very good right now thank you for asking

**Neil: **in my time of need??

**Allison: **what’s going on

**Neil: **get in here please

**Allison: **???????

\---

**Matt: **hey buddy! how’s it going?

**Matt: **did andrew reply?

**Neil: **fuck

**Matt: **haha, yeh? good fuck / bad fuck

**Neil: **god

**Matt: **😉

**Neil: **we’re going out tonight

**Matt: 😱**

**Matt: **toNIGHT

**Matt: **that escalated

**Neil: **he’s kind of like that

**Matt: **haha, really

**Neil: **it’s all or fucking nothing

**Matt: **you love it

**Neil: **it’s not boring I guess

**Matt: **that’s sweet neil 😊

**Matt: **so what are you panicking about

**Neil: **oh everything

**Neil: **ali is currently throwing away half my wardrobe

**Matt: **great

**Matt: **I mean

**Matt: **I’m glad she’s helping

**Neil: **you can say it

**Neil: **ali hates most of my clothes

**Matt: **I’m just saying, I’m guessing she helped you pick clothes for our date

**Neil: **why

**Matt: **cause, you know, since then

**Matt: **it’s sort of been grey hoodies with holes chewed into the sleeves

**Neil: **they’re comfortable

**Matt: **oh they look super comfy for sure!

**Neil: **maybe andrew likes holey sleeves

**Matt: **yeah maybe!

**Matt: **d’ya think?

**Neil: **no

**Matt: 😂**

**Matt: **ok what else

**Neil: **what if he finds me ugly or boring

**Matt: **he won’t

**Neil: **how can you know

**Matt: **well for one thing you’re really good looking neil

**Matt: **like, I’m not just saying that because I love you so much

**Matt: **but you’re pretty man

**Neil: **um

**Matt: **and he’ll know that, because he saw your photo, and matched with you, so

**Matt: **and man come on he obviously doesn’t find you boring

**Matt: **you’ve been talking for, you said over a month now?

**Neil: **yeah

**Matt: **and if he’s the sort of guys who’s usually in it for the hookups, I mean, come on, he obviously doesn’t find you boring

**Neil: **I guess

**Neil: **what will I talk about

**Neil: **I’m really not very interesting

**Neil: **he’s banned exy chat

**Matt: **how fucking dare he

**Neil: **I knoow

**Matt: **yeh but look, what do you guys usually talk about?

**Neil: **nothing!

**Neil: **that’s the problem!

**Matt: **so why can’t you talk about nothing on the date?

**Neil: **I dunno

**Neil: **aren’t I supposed to like ask him questions about stuff

**Matt: **I know we’ve all given you a bit of a hard time, but to be honest there aren’t really any rules

**Matt: **rules are only there if you need the help

**Matt: **but it sounds like you guys already know what you like about each other

**Matt: **I think it’s going to be easier than you think 😊

**Neil: **god

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **maybe

\---

**Andrew: **what are you doing

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **you’re all online but not rambling away at me

**Andrew: **what’s happening

**Neil: **oh, nothing

**Andrew: **what are you panicking about

**Neil: **like I said, nothing

**Andrew: **no one here believes you

**Neil: **I do have a life you know

**Andrew: **now he tells me

**Neil: **I could be talking about literally anything, to anyone

**Andrew: **so what are you doing then

**Neil: **oh, you know

**Neil: **yeh nothing

**Neil: **anyway

**Andrew: **you know we’re just going to talk tonight

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **I don’t expect anything physical

**Andrew: **I wouldn’t want that unless you wanted it too

**Andrew: **and regardless it’s clearly too soon

**Andrew: **ok?

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **thanks

**Andrew: **why would you thank me

**Andrew: **set your boundaries and expect people to meet them

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **I’m trying

**Andrew: **I know

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **disgusting

\---

**Dan: **ok what’s the hedgehog update

**Neil: **nothing

**Allison: **they’re going out tonight!

**Renee: **tonight?? ooh

**Dan: **DELICIOUS

**Matt: **😊

**Neil: **stop it

**Neil: **it’s probably going to be fine

**Renee: **haha oh neil

**Dan: **go get some hun

**Neil: **there will be no getting

**Neil: **we’re just going to talk

**Neil: **I’m

**Neil: **I might not be like that

**Renee: **oh honey we know, she was just joking

**Dan: **yes hedgehog

**Dan: **get some in a CHATTY personality based GOOD OLD HOMOROMANTIC fashion

**Neil: **um

**Allison: **that’s “thanks I think” in neil

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **what’s everyone up to

**Neil: **I kinda love you guys you know

**Renee: **:)

**Allison: **you too neil xx

**Dan: **oh great

**Renee: **what

**Dan: **matt is crying

\---

**Andrew: **what are you wearing

**Neil: **tonight?

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **why

**Andrew: **truth

**Neil: **weird truth but ok

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **jeans and a blue sweater

**Neil: **it’s nice I promise

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **why did you ask

**Andrew: **I didn’t

**Neil: **excuse me?

**Andrew: **shut up

**Neil: **ohmygod

**Neil: **are you nervous

**Andrew: **no

**Andrew: **I have no idea what that would even feel like

**Neil: **OMG

**Andrew: **no offence neil but you have no ground here

**Neil: **haha ok

**Neil: **do I win though

**Andrew: **oh look at the time I have to go

**Neil: **to meet me!

**Neil: **(is it to meet me?)

**Andrew: **yes neil

**Neil: **yes ok

**Neil: **see you soon?

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Allison: **good luck neil

**Allison: **don’t you dare touch your fucking hair

**Allison: **he can touch it if he wants to

**Allison: **which he will

**Allison: **I give permission

**Allison: **😉

\---

**Dan: **GIVE HIM SOME

**Dan: **OF YOUR GREYSEXUAL LOVE

**Dan: **YOU FUCKING BEAN

\---

**Renee: **that was so sweet neil, you know we love you too!

**Renee: **let us know if you need anything 😊

\---

**Matt: **BUDDY

**Matt: **text me later!

**Matt: **text me now

**Matt: **text me every ten minutes if you want to

**Matt: **I’ll come over tomorrow?

**Matt: **I’ll come over tomorrow

**Matt: **ok!

\---

**Neil: **I’m here, where are you?

\---

**Andrew: **got a table in the corner, other side of the bar

\---

**Neil: **oh yeh, ok

\---

**Andrew: **have you broken

**Neil: **give me a minute

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **you look really nice

**Andrew: **will you just come here

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **I can do that

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **you’re going to kill me if you keep smiling like that

**Andrew: **get over here right now

**Andrew: **leave the smile fucking behind

**Neil: **nah

**Neil: **can’t

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **jesus

**Andrew: **I signed up for this, willingly

**Andrew: **come remind me why

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **what if you think I’m boring

**Andrew: **impossible, neil

**Andrew: **do you know how long I’ve wanted this

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **to be honest, I think me too

**Neil: **what are doing??

**Andrew: **I’m coming to get you

**Neil: **shit

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 🥰😎🥳


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why is this chapter so LONG???  
god see you at the end

**Dan: **so what’s everyone doing

**Renee: **I’m at ali’s

**Renee: **she’s staring at her phone pretending she doesn’t care how neil’s date is going

**Dan: **hey that’s funny

**Dan: **guess what matt’s doing

**Renee: **😊

**Renee: **cute

**Dan: **agree

**Dan: **absolute losers

**Matt: **hey!

**Allison: **hey

**Dan: 😘**

**Renee: **hey babe you remembered I exist

**Allison: **shut up

**Allison: **I’ll show you who exists

**Dan: **GREAT COMEBACK QUEEN

**Dan: **you fucking show her

**Matt: **haha

**Matt: **getttt itttttt

\---

**Neil: **they’ve run out of the beer you wanted

**Andrew: **oh no

**Andrew: **how will I go on

**Andrew: **I guess I’ll just leave then

**Andrew: **bye

**Neil: **haha andrew

**Neil: **what do you want

**Andrew: **scotch, neat

**Neil: **that’s quite a departure

**Andrew: **you’re quite a departure

**Neil: **touché

\---

**Neil: **I don’t mind telling you but can I do it here

**Andrew: **why

**Neil: **dunno

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **I’m worried that um

**Neil: **you told me not to worry, but just to warn you, this might be too much

**Andrew: **try me

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **I’ll put it here

**Andrew: **can I look at you while you type

**Neil: **um, ok

**Neil: **ok, so, my father’s girlfriend

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **I can’t tell you everything, because

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **the FBI would be mad

**Neil: **but uh ok so he

**Neil: **Nathan

**Neil: **was kind of in the mafia

**Neil: **and mom took me and ran when I was a kid, because she didn’t want me growing up like that, I guess

**Neil: **but we had to take some of his money

**Neil: **and when I was 17 they found out where we were living

**Neil: **my mom

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **she died

**Neil: **and I got this fucking scar on my face

**Neil: **so

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **it was fine, the FBI got them

**Neil: **I was sent here, as Neil Josten, to lead a life of Math

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **it’s all fine

**Neil: **I’m fine

**Neil: **I’m over it

**Andrew: **right

**Neil: **but, yeh

**Neil: **that’s what the scar is

**Andrew: **can I ask something else

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **what did she use

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **a dashboard lighter

**Andrew: **right

**Neil: **is that too much

**Neil: **maybe I shouldn’t have told you

**Andrew: **it’s not too much neil

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **don’t apologise for what you need to talk about

**Andrew: **would you like to talk about something else now

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **above the table?

**Neil: **haha ok

\---

**Neil: **hey

**Matt: **dude how’s it GOINGGG

**Neil: **Andrew’s gone to the bathroom

**Matt: **yeh??

**Matt: **tell me everything

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **idk

**Matt: **is it going well?

**Neil: **yeh, I think so

**Matt: **omg

**Neil: **yeh it’s

**Neil: **it’s just like you said

**Neil: **we’re just talking

**Neil: **it’s just easy

**Matt: **man I told you!

**Neil: **I like him

**Neil: **andrew

**Neil: **he’s

**Neil: **yeh

**Matt: **I’M STOKED

**Neil: **:)

\---

**Andrew: **who are you texting

**Neil: **omg what’s wrong with you

**Neil: **I’m just texting matt

**Neil: **where are you?

**Andrew: **I can’t believe you’re texting another man

**Andrew: **on our first date

**Andrew: **how rude

**Neil: **I can’t believe you’re hiding behind a pillar, watching me text, so you can pretend to be all morally superior

**Andrew: **touché

**Andrew: **what did you say to him

**Neil: **come here and I’ll show you

\---

**Allison: **I don’t want to make threats, but you also know I don’t make baseless ones

**Allison: **if you don’t send me an update I might cry

**Allison: **and you know how much I hate to fucking cry

**Neil: **I tried whisky

**Allison: **oh my godd

**Allison: **hedgehogg??

**Allison: **you don’t drink!

**Neil: **I still don’t

**Neil: **I only tried a little bit

**Allison: **what do you think?

**Neil: **I am so lucky, to have someone with such excellent taste lead me into such delicious darkness

**Allison: **uhhh

**Neil: **what would I do without such a mentor

**Neil: **whisky is spectacular

**Neil: **yum

**Allison: **…neil?

**Neil: **god sorry that was andrew

**Allison: **UHHH

**Allison: **HI ANDREW

**Neil: **I think you scared him away

**Allison: **he stole your phone??

**Neil: **I’m kindof sitting next to him

**Neil: **apparently I’m being rude

**Allison: **I fucking agree, go away

**Neil: **you texted me!

**Neil: **that’s no excuse for bad manners neil

**Allison: **huh, gotta agree with mystery man there sorry

**Neil: **oh god now he’s asking what the hedgehog thing’s about

**Allison: **XD

\---

**Neil: **can I change my mind

**Andrew: **yes

**Andrew: **what do you want

**Neil: **whisky?

**Andrew: **you don’t drink

**Neil: **not usually

**Neil: **I liked yours though

**Andrew: **you don’t need to drink to impress me

**Andrew: **I don’t care what you do

**Neil: **no I know

**Neil: **I just feel like it tonight

**Andrew: **I’m unconvinced

**Neil: **you’re being difficult

**Neil: **it’s your round

**Andrew: **and you said you wanted a soda

**Andrew: **anyway the barman appears to be flustered

**Andrew: **someone dared to order off the cocktail menu

**Andrew: **what do you think will go wrong first, will he confuse vodka with gin or forget to put the lid on to shake

**Neil: **haha

**Andrew: **we have time

**Andrew: **convince me

**Neil: **why do you have to make everything so hard

**Andrew: **sport

**Neil: **andrew

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **fine

**Neil: **I don’t know

**Neil: **I don’t normally like losing my inhibitions

**Neil: **I’ve always felt safer when I’m in control

**Neil: **but this is fun

**Neil: **I can’t remember the last time I um

**Neil: **so maybe

**Neil: **maybe I wanna lose control

**Neil: **with you

**Andrew: ** _*Andrew is typing…*_

**Andrew: **right

**Neil: **andrew?

**Andrew: **mm

**Neil: **did I win

**Andrew: **no

**Andrew: **I hate you

**Neil: **:D

**Andrew: **I will buy you a whisky

**Andrew: **but I won’t be held responsible

**Neil: **for what

\---

**Neil: **ok hypothetically

**Matt: **O_O

**Neil: ***hypotehtically*

**Allison: **hypo-who

**Neil: **if I wanted to, you know

**Neil: **so I think I might want to

**Neil: **how do I get him to um

**Matt: **oh my god

**Allison: **NEILLL

**Neil: **don’t, I’m fucking nervous

**Neil: **I’ve never

**Neil: **I mean I have

**Neil: **but never when I actually wanted to

**Neil: **fuck

**Matt: **you can kiss him first, if you want to 😊

**Allison: **not a good idea, he’ll probably smack right into him

**Allison: **have you made the moves hedgehog

**Neil: **what moves

**Matt: **wait where’s andrew?

**Neil: **getting a cab

**Allison: **oh, you coming home?

**Neil: **no, there’s another bar he likes that he wants to show me

**Matt: **O___________O

**Allison: **ok moves like, touching his arm, siding a hand up his leg, the classics

**Neil: **I can’t do that

**Allison: **why not

**Neil: **he doesn’t really like to be touched

**Allison: **??

**Neil: **I mean we’ve been sitting pretty close

**Neil: **which is nice

**Neil: **but, yeh

**Neil: **it’s a thing

**Neil: **anyway, I need alternatives

**Matt: **just ask him!

**Neil: **just ask?

**Neil: **really?

**Matt: **that can be really romantic man

**Matt: **imagine someone asking if they could kiss you

**Matt: **imagine andrew asking

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **yeh ok

**Allison: **baby

**Allison: **you can do it

**Allison: **then tell us all about it later

**Matt: **seconded

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **maybe

**Allison: **gosh

**Matt: **I know

\---

**Neil: **hey where’d ya go

**Andrew: **cigarette

**Neil: **oh right

**Neil: **can I come

**Andrew: **clingy

**Andrew: **I thought you didn’t smoke

**Neil: **I don’t

**Neil: **I like the smell

**Andrew: **well

**Andrew: **god, neil

**Neil: **you out front?

**Neil: **can I come find you

**Andrew: **yeh

**Neil: **k

\---

**Neil: **sorry, should I have not asked that

**Andrew: **it’s ok

**Andrew: **you can ask anything you want

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **you don’t have to tell me

**Andrew: **I said it’s ok

\---

**Neil: **hey

**Andrew: **are we doing texting again

**Neil: **no

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **thanks for telling me about

**Neil: **well

**Neil: **all that

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **are you about to ruin it

**Neil: **no

**Neil: **I’m saying nothing, I just

**Neil: **I’ve never really done this with anyone before

**Andrew: **done what

**Neil: **just telling each other everything

**Neil: **or anything

**Neil: **I didn’t know I could

**Neil: **it’s nice

**Neil: **I think tonight is going well

**Neil: **don’t you think

**Neil: **let’s review

**Andrew: **by text?

**Neil: **sure

**Andrew: **you’re weird

**Neil: **is that my review

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **this is good, right

**Neil: **I’m having a good time

**Andrew: **like I said

**Andrew: **weird

**Neil: **oh stop

**Andrew: **me too

**Neil: **yeh?

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **good

**Andrew: **:)

**Neil: **it’s weird to finally see your face not move at all when you do that

**Andrew: **maybe I’m smiling on the inside

**Neil: **haha

**Andrew: **hmm

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **can I touch your hand

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **seriously

**Andrew: **yes neil

**Andrew: **it’s just sitting there

**Andrew: **all touchable

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **yes

**Andrew: **ok

\---

**Neil: **yeh, there’s a taxi rank outside

**Andrew: **ok, I’ll meet you there in second

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **you left your coat

**Neil: **oh

**Andrew: **do you want your coat?

**Andrew: **or shall I give it to the drunks

**Andrew: **y/n

**Neil: **omg andrew

**Neil: **I want my coat

**Andrew: **say thanks

**Neil: **thanks

**Andrew: **man, I nearly had a free coat

**Neil: **you’re not drunk

**Andrew: **fooled by my own something

**Neil: **ok maybe you are

**Andrew: **I never get drunk

**Andrew: **rude

**Neil: **so maybe if you’re not too drunk

**Andrew: **…what

**Andrew: **wait I’m nearly outside

**Neil: **no stop

**Neil: **wait

**Andrew: **why

**Neil: **when you get out here

**Neil: **can I ask you something

**Andrew: **you’ve been talking all night

**Andrew: **and I haven’t able to stop you so far

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **no I mean

**Neil: **um

**Andrew: **what do you want to ask me

**Neil: **can I kiss you?

**Neil: **I want to

**Neil: **I thought you were going to, earlier

**Neil: **you sort of looked at me, like, um

**Neil: **but it’s ok

**Neil: **I was just wondering

**Neil: **I liked sitting so close to you it almost hurt, but

**Neil: **can I kiss you when you get out here?

**Neil: **…andrew?

**Neil: **sorry, you can say no

**Neil: **um, shall I come in and find you

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **I’m

**Andrew: **just

**Neil: **yeh?

**Andrew: **I’m coming outside

**Neil: **it can be a no

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **yes?

**Andrew: **yeh

**Andrew: **you too

**Neil: **I asked

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **yes andrew

**Neil: **yes

\---

**Andrew: **staring

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **:)

\---

**Andrew: **don’t you have better things to do

**Neil: **hypocrite

**Andrew: **thought you were gonna text your little friend

**Neil: **ali’s a beast

**Andrew: **either way

\---

**Neil: **I’m on my way home

**Allison: **ok!

**Allison: **what happened dude

**Allison: **how was it

**Allison: **did he survive

**Allison: **did you survive

**Allison: **are you seeing him again

**Neil: **yep

**Neil: **he’s here btw

**Allison: **he’s coming back with you??

**Neil: **we’re sharing a taxi

**Neil: **he’s being stubborn about dropping me off first

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **I’m just warning you

**Neil: **he’s reading your messages

**Allison: **rude

**Allison: **tell him to learn about privacy

**Neil: **I told him he could

**Allison: **rude! What about my privacy?

**Neil: **you don’t care

**Allison: **true

**Allison: **ok tell me your favourite things about him

**Neil: **uh

**Allison: **😉

**Neil: **no

**Allison: **tell him he should be afraid to meet me

**Allison: **because I own a ball-slicing machine

**Neil: **I told him you call me hedgehog

**Allison: **oh

**Neil: **he says he’s less than impressed so far

**Neil: **and he’d like to know where you got your ball-slicing machine from

**Allison: **tell him I’ll send him the link

**Allison: **and that I’m more balls than hedgehogs

**Neil: **he says thanks

**Neil: **and, he cannot stress this enough apparently, I must put speech marks around the word “sure”

**Neil: **ha, um, he’s, yeah

**Allison: **god you sound gross even over text

**Allison: **are you being gross

**Neil: **rude

**Allison: **god

**Allison: **go away

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **cu soon

**Allison: **gross

\---

**Neil: **hi

**Andrew: **oh my god neil

**Andrew: **you got out the cab three seconds ago

**Andrew: **will you calm down

**Neil: **no

**Andrew: **jesus

**Neil: **so how are you

**Andrew: **I knew this was a mistake

**Andrew: **you know, maybe I was wrong

**Andrew: **maybe we _should_ just be friends

**Neil: **fuck off

**Andrew: **>:)

**Neil: **so

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **I had a good time

**Andrew: **yeh

**Neil: **what do you think

**Andrew: **I’ll be honest neil I was a little disappointed

**Neil: **??

**Andrew: **you are less british than I thought you’d be

**Neil: **oh my _god_

**Neil: **I told you

**Neil: **I’m not british at all

**Andrew: **next time I’ll record you saying words into my phone so that I can properly analyse

**Neil: **ok andrew

**Neil: **when can I see you again

**Andrew: **needy

**Neil: **yep

**Andrew: **not tomorrow

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **day after?

**Andrew: **if I’m free

**Neil: **are you

**Andrew: **I’ll have to check my incredibly busy diary

**Neil: **great

**Andrew: **what do you want to do

**Neil: **I don’t care

**Andrew: **low standards

**Neil: **let me know when you get home?

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **that’s cool

**Neil: **text me tomorrow?

**Andrew: **maybe

**Neil: **I’ll take it

**Andrew: **I’m literally seeing you in a couple of days

**Andrew: **because you’re uncouth, and undignified, and have insisted on making plans straight away

**Andrew: **like some kind of

**Andrew: **ok I got tired

**Andrew: **you know what you are though and frankly should be ashamed

**Neil: **yeh

**Neil: **this is all true

**Neil: **but text me tomorrow anyway

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **oh my god

**Neil: **so

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **tell me a joke

\---

**Neil: **hi

**Dan: **HEDGEHOG

**Dan: **it’s about fucking time

**Renee: **hi neil!

**Renee: **how did your date go?

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **I dunno

**Neil: **pretty good

**Neil: **:) :) :)

**Dan: **!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

**Matt: 🥳🥳🥳**

**Renee: **:D

**Allison: ***DANCE PARTY GIF*

**Matt: **dude, did he

**Matt: **you know

**Matt: **did you kiss him?

**Dan: 😱**

**Allison: **gross

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **anyway

**Allison: **OH MY GOD

**Dan: 😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱😱**

**Renee: **oh neil :)

**Neil: **ok cool great this was fun bye forever

**Matt: **DUDE!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!,!?!??@?#?

\---

**Neil: **you awake yet

**Andrew: **hello neil

**Neil: **hi

**Neil: **:)

**Neil: **how did you sleep

**Andrew: **you have never asked me that before

**Neil: **fine

**Neil: **I hope you had nightmares?

**Andrew: **better

**Neil: **did you

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **did you dream about me

**Andrew: **I hope you trip over

**Neil: **:)

**Andrew: **entertain me

**Neil: **gladly

**Andrew: **what’s happening today

**Neil: **you mean in front of my face

**Andrew: **where else

**Neil: **nothing

**Neil: **I guess college work

**Neil: **but nothing

**Neil: **you?

**Andrew: **nothing

**Neil: **come round

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **why not

**Andrew: **because

**Neil: **?

**Andrew: **I have dignity

**Neil: **I don’t

**Andrew: **I’m well aware

**Neil: **so come round

**Andrew: **one of us needs to have enough dignity for the both of us

**Neil: **I like you

**Andrew: **who gave you the right

**Neil: **come round

**Andrew: **this could get irritating

**Neil: **is it working

**Andrew: **you really want to irritate me into hanging out with you?

**Neil: **I’m petty

**Neil: **I’ll take what I can get

**Andrew: **there’ll be people there

**Neil: **maybe

**Andrew: **don’t maybe me

**Neil: **yeh everyone’s coming round tonight

**Neil: **they want to bother me about you

**Neil: **maybe if you’re actually here they won’t be able to

**Andrew: **sounds like a hoot

**Neil: **exactly

**Andrew: **you really want me to meet them

**Neil: **of course I do

**Andrew: **we’ve been on one date neil

**Andrew: **one

**Andrew: **whatever this is, it’s only been a day

**Neil: **it hasn’t

**Neil: **you know it hasn’t

**Andrew: **you’re insufferable

**Neil: **you like suffering me

**Andrew: **slander

**Neil: **come over

**Neil: **so I can kiss you again

**Andrew: **interesting argument

**Andrew: **in front of your family

**Neil: **why not

**Andrew: **maybe

**Andrew: **go away now

**Neil: **haha ok

\---

**Andrew: **later

**Andrew: **about that

**Andrew: **are you sure.

**Andrew: **because

**Andrew: **as you, in your own words, have not done this before

**Andrew: **I just feel it is my duty to point out

**Andrew: **usually meeting friends is a big deal

**Andrew: **if whatever this is doesn’t work out, it can be awkward

**Neil: **I literally don’t care

**Andrew: **hmm

**Neil: **do you?

**Andrew: **when have I ever suggested I care about anything

**Neil: **exactly

**Neil: **if you want to keep up this goth image of yours you’d better come over

**Andrew: **you haven’t told them I’m a goth

**Neil: **of course not

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **I have mentioned, to matthew, that you are goth-adjacent

**Andrew: **super

**Neil: **come round

**Neil: **I want to see you

**Neil: **7ish?

**Andrew: **look

**Neil: **??

**Andrew: **fine

**Neil: **!

\---

**Neil: **ok

**Matt: **hi!

**Neil: **so

**Matt: **what?

**Allison: **btw I’m ordering take out

**Allison: **who wants what

**Renee: **want me to collect?

**Allison: **it’s ok babe I’ll get delivery but ilu

**Dan: **gross

**Matt: **cutes

**Matt: **what are we having

**Allison: **dunno?

**Matt: **pizza?

**Renee: **yes

**Renee: **vegetarian please

**Dan: **matty want to share something hot and then something else also hot

**Matt: **woman

**Matt: **of

**Matt: **my

**Matt: **DREAMS

**Dan: 😭**

**Matt: **YES GIRL

**Dan: 😍**

**Allison: **ok

**Neil: **hi

**Allison: **yes what do you want

**Neil: **I invited andrew

**Allison: **pizza-wise, I mean

**Allison: **wait

**Dan: **WAIT

**Matt: **shall we watch a movie

**Matt: **I could bring some dvds

**Renee: **neil! that’s lovely :)

**Matt: **wait what did I miss

**Dan: **haha

**Matt: **DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDE

**Neil: **I don’t care what pizza

**Allison: **DOES HE LIKE PIZZA

**Neil: **why are you capitals

**Allison: **I DON’T KNOW HOW TO REACT

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **I’ll find out

\---

**Neil: **do you like pizza

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **great

**Neil: **ali’s ordering

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **is she freaking out

**Neil: **…no

**Andrew: **I am sighing at you

**Neil: **what pizza do you want

**Andrew: **order me something

**Andrew: **I’ll steal yours anyway

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Neil: **a hawaiian and a pepperoni

**Dan: **brave, neil

**Neil: **what

**Dan: **to test your relationship, this early on

**Neil: **it’s not a relationship

**Matt: **…there’s so much to unpack here

**Allison: **he always gets fucking pineapple pizza

**Neil: **what’s wrong with pineapple pizza?

**Matt: **aw

**Matt: **bud

**Matt: **nothing, of course

**Dan: **it’s disgusting that’s what’s wrong you fucking weirdo

**Renee: **why isn’t it a relationship?

**Neil: **oh

**Neil: **idk

**Neil: **it’s just andrew

**Neil: **relationship makes it sound weird

**Neil: **but it’s just us

**Matt: **that’s… oddly adorable

**Dan: **yeah

**Dan: **I hate it

**Matt: **haha

**Allison: **I NEED TO VACUUM

**Dan: **you weren’t gonna vacuum?

**Allison: **RENEE

**Renee: **babe, I’ll be there soon

**Allison: **THANK YOU

**Neil: **this really isn’t necessary

**Neil: **can you guys just be normal

**Renee: **of course

**Allison: **NOT ON YOUR LIFE

**Renee: **I’ll do my best

**Neil: **ok

**Dan: **hmm this should be fun

**Matt: **oh god I don’t know what to weeeeeeeeaaaaarrr

\---

**Andrew: **last chance to change your mind

**Neil: **yeh, you’re right

**Neil: **this isn’t going to work

**Neil: **maybe you should just stay away from me

**Neil: **forever

**Andrew: **you shouldn’t try new things

**Neil: **;)

**Neil: **see you soon??

**Andrew: **fine

**Andrew: **I guess

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **don’t be nervous

**Andrew: **I am not

**Neil: **I’ll be there

**Andrew: **is that supposed to help

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **I’ll hold your hand if you get scared

**Andrew: **jesus fucking christ

**Neil: **>:)

**Andrew: **I regret teaching you that

\---

**Allison: **neil

**Allison: **psst

**Neil: **what

**Allison: **he’s being quiet 👀

**Allison: **is he ok

**Allison: **are you ok

**Allison: **is this going terribly

**Neil: **haha, no he’s not

**Neil: **well I guess he is

**Neil: **he just is quiet sometimes, I think

**Neil: **you’re all quite a lot

**Neil: **it’s ok, I’ll text you if you’re being an asshole

**Allison: **ok

**Allison: **great

**Allison: **not that I care

**Neil: **of course

\---

**Neil: **you ok?

**Andrew: **die

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Matt: **hey sorry I didn’t mean to ask him that

**Matt: **I was just trying to include him

**Neil: **why are you texting me

**Matt: **I DON’T KNOW

**Neil: **I don’t think he cares

**Neil: **will everyone just calm down

**Neil: **everything is fine

**Matt: **want me to pass that along

**Neil: **please

**Matt: **ok

\---

**Andrew: **I’m outside

**Neil: **oh, I thought you went to the bathroom

**Andrew: **I did

**Neil: **um ok

**Andrew: **I hate you, you know

**Neil: **what’s new

**Andrew: **you did that on purpose

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **you kept looking at me like

**Neil: **I’m not allowed to look now?

**Andrew: **and moving

**Neil: **ok

**Andrew: **that fucking

**Andrew: **why is your tshirt so tight

**Neil: **ali picked it out

**Andrew: **anyway

**Neil: **what

**Andrew: **I’m outside

**Andrew: **and now I’m letting you know that I’m outside

**Neil: **why

**Neil: **ohhhhhhhh

**Neil: **wait

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **oh shit ok

**Neil: **yeah

**Neil: **where

**Andrew: **downstairs

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **yes

**Neil: **ok

\---

**Dan: **where did they go

**Allison: 😎**

**Renee: **hehe

**Matt: **why are we texting

**Dan: **I don’t know I didn’t want to disturb the movie

**Allison: **we’re literally all here

**Dan: **look there’s an ATMOSPHERE in the room I’m being RESPECTFUL

**Allison: **ilu queen

**Matt: **do you think they’re… OUTSIDE

**Dan: **I do

**Renee: **they’re pretty cute

**Allison: **they are not

**Allison: **he’s so quiet

**Allison: **and he’s as small as neil

**Allison: **and angry?

**Matt: **tbh he’s kinda hot

**Dan: **yeh

**Allison: **omgod he isn’t

**Renee: **I had a nice chat with him actually

**Dan: **when??

**Renee: **in the kitchen

**Renee: **he used to play exy

**Matt: **in high school?

**Renee: **let’s say yes

**Matt: **…??

**Renee: **not my story to tell

**Matt: **oookaay

**Matt: **that’s weird though, neil told me he won’t let him even mention exy

**Renee: **haha yeah he told me that

**Renee: **I think he only talked to me about it to annoy neil

**Allison: **that’s…

**Dan: **…is that cute?

**Allison: **maybe??

**Dan: **I’m so confused babe

**Allison: **hold me

**Matt: **haha

**Renee: **😊

**Dan: **shh they’re coming back!!

**Allison: **WE’RE LITERALLY TEXTING

**Dan: **I DON’T KNOW I’M PANICKING

**Allison: **omg were they holding hands

**Matt: 🤠**

**Renee: **aww

**Neil: **…what’s going on

**Dan: **…oh shit you know what we forgot

\---

**Neil: **bye :)

**Andrew: **you don’t need to do that

**Andrew: **we said bye already

**Neil: **mean

**Andrew: **be quiet

\---

**Neil: **(text me when you get home)

**Andrew: **(why)

**Neil: **(so I can keep talking to you)

**Andrew: **(I hate you)

\---

**Andrew: **I am home

**Andrew: **I am making a cup of ginger tea

**Andrew: **anything else you want to know?

**Neil: **great

**Neil: **thanks for my report

**Neil: **where’s King

**Andrew: **being a nuisance

**Andrew: **she thinks tripping me up is a good way to get food

**Andrew: **it isn’t

**Neil: **cute

**Andrew: **anyway

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **well?

**Andrew: **well what

**Neil: **you survived

**Andrew: **I am breathing, yes

**Andrew: **organ function appears normal

**Neil: **what did you think

**Andrew: **you know some people

**Neil: **yeh

**Andrew: **and now I have to know them too

**Andrew: **dating is so tiring

**Andrew: **I forgot

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **andrew

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **:)

**Neil: **tonight was so nice

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **thank you

**Andrew: **why would you thank me

**Neil: **just shush

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **ali is my best friend

**Andrew: **I know

**Neil: **I know she can be kind of a lot

**Andrew: **I did not mind that

**Andrew: **I’m interested in knowing where her ball-slicing machine is kept though

**Andrew: **for future reference

**Neil: **I’ll show it to you next time

**Neil: **what did you think of matt

**Andrew: **I can see why you didn’t like him

**Andrew: **unattractive

**Andrew: **what a face

**Andrew: **and such a tall unnecessarily muscular body

**Neil: **ANDREW

**Andrew: **what

**Neil: **you think he’s attractive??

**Andrew: **I said nothing of the sort

**Neil: **oh my god

**Andrew: **you must have known he was conventionally good looking

**Andrew: **you told me your friends called him The Hunk

**Neil: **>:(

**Andrew: **jesus

**Andrew: **don’t worry

**Andrew: **I was put off by his personality

**Andrew: **does he have to smile so much

**Neil: **hey I smile

**Andrew: **yes

**Andrew: **well, that’s different

**Neil: **different?

**Andrew: **anyway

**Neil: **because you like me??

**Andrew: **I believe I said _anyway_

**Neil: **I like winning

**Andrew: **who said you won

**Andrew: **I demand an independent adjudicator

**Neil: **when am I seeing you again

**Andrew: **we already said tomorrow

**Neil: **oh yes

**Neil: **good

**Andrew: **but then I’m going to have to take a break

**Neil: **why

**Andrew: **because when nicky finds out I saw you three days in a row he’s going to be unbearable

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **when do I get to meet him

**Neil: **and your brother

**Andrew: **never

**Neil: **boo

**Andrew: **whenever

**Neil: **chaotic

**Andrew: **that’s me, neil

**Andrew: **chaotic

**Neil: **cute chaos demon

**Andrew: **uncalled for

**Neil: **powerful chaos demon

**Andrew: **you have no idea

**Neil: **hmm

**Andrew: **don’t you hmm me

**Andrew: **I’m trying to get ready for bed

**Neil: **oh really

**Neil: **tell me more

**Andrew: **you seemed so innocent when we first started talking

**Neil: **you corrupted me

**Andrew: **oh yeah?

**Neil: **with your… you know

**Neil: **everything

**Andrew: **you are so good at flirting

**Neil: **I know you’re mocking me

**Neil: **but I also know you like the way I talk to you

**Neil: **because you whispered it to me tonight when you were kissing me against the wall of my apartment building

**Neil: **so

**Neil: **neil 1, andrew 0

**Andrew: **I rather think everyone won that one

**Neil: **fair enough

**Andrew: **leave me in peace

**Neil: **why

**Andrew: **good point

**Neil: **where’s your cat

**Andrew: **she’s here

**Neil: **I think I’ve been pretty patient

**Andrew: **maybe

**Neil: **I think you’re glad you met me

**Andrew: **if you tell anyone I’ll deny it

**Neil: **what will you take for a photo of King in a hat

**Andrew: **what will you give me

**Neil: **anything

**Andrew: **sexy

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **haha

**Andrew: **god you’re so easy

**Andrew: **fine

**Andrew: ** [[image attached]](https://imgur.com/a/HS9361w)

**Neil: **ANDREW

**Neil: **she’s!

**Neil: **I mean

**Neil: **oh my god though LOOK AT HER

**Andrew: **yes

**Andrew: **you’re right to be stunned

**Andrew: **she’s quite stunning

**Neil: **I want to hold her andrew

**Neil: **how big is she??

**Andrew: **she’s perfectly sized, I think you’ll find

**Andrew: **just like the perfect specimen holding her

**Andrew: ** [[image attached]](https://imgur.com/a/PiOZ4mx)

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **andrew

**Neil: **that’s fucking cute

**Andrew: **take that back

**Neil: **and you just have these photos in your phone

**Andrew: **nicky took them

**Neil: **and you kept them

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **is the one of King your lock screen

**Andrew: **slander

**Neil: **sure

**Neil: **the one of you holding her definitely isn’t becoming my lock screen like immediately

**Neil: **nope

**Andrew: **don’t you dare

**Neil: **anyway

**Neil: **can I meet her??

**Andrew: **maybe

**Andrew: **I’ll see what she thinks

**Neil: **of course

**Neil: **let her know I’m excited

**Andrew: **you owe me

**Neil: **sure sure whatever

**Neil: **send me any photos you like btw

**Neil: **consider this a photo-anything exchange channel

**Andrew: **interesting

**Andrew: **that’s quite the exchange rate

**Neil: **I’m serious about cats

**Neil: **and hats

**Neil: **and, you know

**Neil: **you

**Andrew: **well

**Andrew: **anyway

**Andrew: **I’m in bed

**Andrew: **so

**Andrew: **shoo

**Neil: **or I could keep bothering you til you go to sleep

**Andrew: **interesting suggestion

**Andrew: **tell me something then

**Neil: **are you comfy

**Andrew: **wait

**Andrew: **…

**Andrew: **yes

**Neil: **did you even move

**Andrew: **I shimmied

**Neil: **haha

**Neil: **ok andrew

**Andrew: **neil

**Neil: **truth for a truth?

**Andrew: **ok

**Neil: **ok

**Neil: **listen

**Neil: **I kind of like you

**Neil: **I like thinking about you

**Neil: **I like falling asleep texting you

**Neil: **you’re the first thing I think about when I wake up

**Andrew: **wow

**Andrew: **corny

**Neil: **truth me

**Andrew: **maybe I don’t want to now

**Neil: **this is your game

**Andrew: **you ruined it

**Andrew: **with your emotions

**Neil: **I’m waiting

**Andrew: **ok

**Andrew: **I like the way you taste

**Neil: **um

**Neil: **god

**Andrew: **I can’t stop thinking about it

**Andrew: **it’s pretty irritating, neil

**Andrew: **the inconvenience you have caused me

**Andrew: **I may have to send you a bill

**Neil: **psssssssssh

**Neil: **since yesterday??

**Neil: **how big can this bill be

**Andrew: **yes well

**Andrew: **I’ve been thinking about it for a while though

**Andrew: **wondering

**Andrew: **so, it’s going to be quite big

**Neil: **and you call me a loser

**Andrew: **I’m going to sleep now

**Andrew: **you’ve ruined me, and I hope you’re happy

**Neil: **yep

**Andrew: **gross

**Neil: **:)

**Neil: **are you tired?

**Andrew: **no

**Neil: **want to hear a joke?

**Andrew: **always

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my dudes!! this is the real literal actual ending. how sad. thank you so much for reading this dumb fic :'( 
> 
> RIGHT laura you are the absolute light of my life? do you have any idea how much i love you? she very kindly took me up on the challenge to draw a cat in a hat, and then just CASUALLY threw the stunning image of andrew holding her on top, as a freebie, and i am ??? just ??? ilu man  
anyway laura is on twitter go bother her with your praise:  
@midfreewayfox
> 
> i love all of you? so much?? it's honestly ridiculous??? if you want to bother me in the future you can prompt me on tumblr if you want :)   
djhedy.tumblr.com  
but either way IT'S BEEN REAL GUYS you crack me up stay cool idk what am i even saying at this point OK BYE LOVE YOU xxx


End file.
